I feel compelled to write this post because in February and March, before I got embroiled with bloody ‘Fumble’ I gave you such good advice on dealing with breakups and the aftermath! And if you followed my advice, which in brief is not initiating contacting with the person who dumped you EVER again, there can be an unfortunate side effect.
The unfortunate by-product of making yourself a priority and moving on without looking back is that unfortunately, quite often, that ex will come back’. Yes, you read that right. There is no typo.
‘UNFORTUNATELY… QUITE OFTEN EXES DO COME BACK’.
Fortunately sometimes they come back too; but UNFORTUNATELY so do the wrong un’s, because they are just plain WRONG and sometimes more often than not they will come back for a second, oh lord… third, oh lordie-lord…fourth, oh tell them to jog on already.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALLOWING THE RETURN OF WRONG ‘UNS TO HAVE A SECOND CHANCE OF DOING YOU OVER. You have the power to make it stop, by not tolerating them in your life. Exercise your power.
Let’s say you’ve handled the dumping with elegance (…in this INSTANCE that’s exactly what you HAVE done). You didn’t get overly emotional during the breakup, you accepted their decision, you immediately ceased contacting them and you’ve been putting all of your time and energy into you; good on you, you screwed-on little PRINCESS, cause you’ve owned that breakup! And I for one am proud. Shout out who you are in the comments and I’ll give you some praise.
You’ve gone through the tough days, sometimes needing a kick up the arse and others a sympathetic shoulder to cry on…and you’re starting to feel all better – in fact you’re feeling stronger and better than ever; you’ve got your equilibrium back and the oxytocin has drained out through your pours cause of all of that work you’ve been putting into detoxing from the love-drug.
And then…your phone beeps nonchalantly at you – it’s got a message for you. You give it a bit of nonchalance back in the form of a casual glance and…your phone tricked you into thinking it was going to be another sales call...
…SHOCK, HORROR – your ex’s name (which if s/he’s Entitled you’ve reprogrammed in your device to ‘IT’S A NO’ as a blunt reminder that your answer to anything they ask for is a categorical ‘NO’), is back again to help themselves to a second bite of your ass.
Now for the purpose of this post, I’m going to assume that your ex dumped you because your relationship was somehow unhealthy in one of the following ways or for a similar type of reason:
- · They didn’t want a ‘commitment’ anymore.
- · They cheated.
- · They are an (…urghhhh) ‘Entitled’.
- · They like drama.
- · They gave you an ‘it’s not you it’s me’ type of dumping.
- · Something they were saying during the breakup was not adding up and in the words of The Great Judge Judy, ‘if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not true’.
Basically, I’m going to assume that the person who dumped you did so because they were having second thoughts about the relationship and were not really bothered about having a healthy, equal relationship with you. If you were honest about the relationship you’d agree that it was more unhappy/unhealthy than happy/healthy, but nevertheless…for whatever reason…you…still…want…him/her…back...??????????!!!!!!!!
So what you’ve got here is a little sucker and a job on your hands!
Now everybody is capable of changing, even an ‘Entitled’…yeah I’m not convinced either; but ok, people can and do change BUT…and here’s the ‘BUTT’ of the ‘BUT’; a positive and genuine change in a person’s character takes self-awareness. Change takes self-realisation, change takes effort, reflection, contrition and work. Soul searching even.
Can you imagine that bloody ex of yours ‘searching his/her soul’ – searching Tinder maybe, but I’m talking about his/her soul and not the sole of their shoe. Generally, people do not change from being a shitty partner to Prince Charming overnight or within a few days, weeks or months. So I’m going to tell you this for nothing. 99.9% of the time, if your ex treated you with indifference OR WORSE, that’s what you are getting when he/she comes back, except magnified. Because in that 99.9% of the time one of three things will happen:
- 1) They will come back, treat you AS bad if you’re lucky and worse if you’re not, knowing they can get away with it and they’ll be off again as soon as they are bored or their head is turned or the relationship gets a bit on the tough side.
- 2) There will either be a ‘friends’ or ‘friends with benefits’ offer on the table.
- 3) They will come back pretending they want to start again but really are ‘Entitled’ and they just want to take what they can get; some more of you in the form of your money, your energy, your hope.
They obviously are not going to tell you their ‘true’ intention(s) for coming back like a bout of herpes because you’d LOL hard and loud at them, tell them where they can get off or slap their face (only you wouldn’t actually make contact with their face with your hand because putting your hands on somebody is NEVER acceptable, even if they are ‘Entitled’…I suppose)…or at least that’s what they assume you would do because they know deep down that their behaviour is unacceptable.
So when you get that message or contact from an ex who was anything other than a keeper, you’ve got a big old decision to make. It shouldn’t be a BIG OLD decision, a BIG OLD PAIN IN THE ARSE THAT YOU ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THEM AGAIN yes, but it shouldn’t be a difficult decision, however you’ll make it into one, because you want your ex back; when that ex’s name came up on your phone, just to get them back you would tolerate EN-EY-THING; yeah, they know!
The options you now have are as follows:
The options you now have are as follows:
1). You do not give them the time of day OR at most you are polite and you reply to their ‘How are you?’ type predictable, boring, LAZY, yawn QUESTION with a ‘Good thank you, hope you are too’ STATEMENT.
You reply to their QUESTION with a STATEMENT because a QUESTION invites an answer (translates: YOU are continuing the conversation – you’re making it easy for them) a STATEMENT does not. Even if you answer with a statement, guaranteed they will interpret it as a question and say something like ‘I’m good too thanks, what are you up to?’
That’s fine, but the point is that you are not encouraging them because THEY ARE NO GOOD FOR YOU AND YOU WANT THEM TO GO AWAY WHILST STILL BEING UNIQUE AND CLASSY.
So you’ve done unique and classy, you can leave it there and not reply to any further contact from them, unless they have really have changed (they haven’t) and they want a genuine second chance (they don’t) and you want it to (NO YOU DON’T).
BUT I KNOW YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO WANT TO GO WITH THE SECOND
‘NOT AN OPTION’ OPTION…
2). You’re going to want to engage because you are hoping that they want you back, hoping they’ve realised that they can’t live without you and hoping they’re going to make it all up to you and foolishly hoping that the frog has turned into a Prince.
In 99.9% of cases that belief of change you hope has happened is Disney, Spielberg, Fox News. It’s fantasy. Not real. It’s in YOUR HEAD. If your ex dumped you because they met somebody else, they will do it again. If your ex dumped you with the offering of the ‘you’re too good for me’ line, then guess what? You’re STILL too good. How have they improved? What have they achieved in a few days, weeks or months that changes the reason(s) they gave for dumping you…you being the one they said was too good for them??? Tell me in the comments below…!!!
OH, MAAAANNNNN…please take option ONE. (1). 1. i. w-one. ONNNNNEEEEEE…
…Ok, you’re taking option two…? UmmmHMMMM…if you believe the chat they are giving you now (let’s just meet up and see how ‘it’ goes! Fancy coming over now for a little bit?....) and you get your hopes up and believe they are coming back with good intensions you’re going to be dealing with this…
OFF THE SCALE BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!
When your car…yes your automotive vehicle (translates: ex), breaks down, stops working (metaphorically ‘dumps you’), you respond (to that ‘dumping’) by LEAVING your car [ex] in a mechanic’s garage [without you] whilst it [your ex] is potentially being FIXED [potentially evolving into a decent human being] or not capable of being fixed [‘…not capable of evolving into a monkey, let alone a viable option’].
You don’t want your car [ex] back still broken [unreliable/not working]. Your car [ex] needs to be fixed and working better than ever otherwise your car [ex] is ‘NO GOOD…TO YOU’ [for you]. If your car isn’t mended and not capable of being mended then that’s a pain, you will have to replace it. If your car came out the garage still not reliable and not doing its job you would replace it. So why are you willing to let an unreliable not-doing-his/her-job-ex back?
It’s like taking your broken car home with you still broken. It’s just going to sit on the drive being useless and you’re going to eventually see how useless it is and you’re going to ‘resent’ it…or ‘tolerate’ it…or ‘learn to live with it’! This ex you’ve taken back is going to be that clapped out banger you, ‘resent’, ‘tolerate’ or ‘learn to live with’ that’s taking up space in your garage (life) - useless (USELESS)…UPGRADE! Find a ‘brand new Porshe’ and dump that ‘heap of worn out crap’ (translates: find a ‘keeper’ who is worth of you, and don’t take that ‘time thief’ back into your life).
You’ve still done the right thing, by the way, keeping the dumping and aftermath dignified because you’ve looked after YOURSELF. You just have to carry on being a superstar for a little bit longer, til THAT ex of an option…who by contacting you has just become YOUR OPTION that you are not going back to EVER, gets the message and finds a new toy to play with.
One final thought – when I was once telling a male friend, also, a ‘reformed player of epic proportion’ how I’d handled a dumping by an ‘arrrrrrrse’, he asked me how I’d responded to that dumping. I told him I accepted the dumping with dignity and hadn’t tried to contact or speak to him since he dumped me.
He said ‘aaahhhhhh, you’re EASY TO GET RID OF???…he’ll be back…for what he can get’…and he’s either psychic or more likely so fine-tuned into player mentality that he was RIGHT. Right that he came back and right that he was back for what he could flippin’ well get...I've not written about that one yet...
So, there you have it! If you’ve been dumped by a person who does not have your best interests at heart and you have been amazing, strong and dignified during the breakup and aftermath, chances are, to them you are still an option to pick up, play with and discard whenever they so choose, because you don’t make life difficult for them when they want out…and you shouldn’t…but you should make it difficult…no, you should make it IMPOSSIBLE for these types to ever get a second chance with you.