I already alluded to this in my very first post three months ago, but I started this Blog to help me process a breakup I experienced at the start of this year. This person was ‘too good to be true’ and whoever gets him is a lucky girl - every girl deserves a man like him in their life. The split was amicable, quick, clean and there has been no contact since. Which is exactly how a breakup should be.
But then he was a mature person. A kind person, an intelligent and decisive, decent person. He wasn’t playing a game. He wasn’t telling me one thing one moment and something else the next – there was no mind fuckery. Pure and simple the timing was wrong and I could see that and I accepted it even though it hurt like hell.
The next relationship I have will have to match up to that one, because I am not settling for anything less.
So to help me process losing someone so ideal I decided to start this Blog. I always said that at some point I would write in some format or another about the dating experiences I’ve had in the past and that particular breakup just spurred me on…because I needed an outlet. It cut me in half – not the loss as such…I hadn’t fallen in love with him yet. What cut me in half was that I knew for only the first or maybe second time in my life I would have done…and of course the ‘could have beens’.
And I wanted to help people too. Because I have been treated abominably in the past – as have a lot of people, I understand. I don’t want your sympathy by the way. My intention has been to actually poke fun at myself in the hope that you might learn from my mistakes….like when I’ve allowed a dumping to be dragged out all day (my fault), when I’ve got crazy over a picture on Facebook (my fault), when I’ve allowed myself to continue to be manipulated and used for extended periods of time (my fault).
These are my mistakes. I’ve allowed this treatment. I have to take responsibility for that and I do. These are my experiences. Me writing about this and highlighting my own mistakes is my way of trying to get you to see why none of that is a good idea.
And then you factor in freedom of speech and expression, fiction, non-fiction and that I love to write - I'm not professing to be any good at it.
Putting yourself out there, online, can attract abuse. Usually it doesn’t. But sometimes it does and has.
But my Blog is ultimately about ME. It’s not about anybody else. It’s about my experiences, my life, my mistakes, what I’ve been through and what I’ve been subjected to from a dating/relationship perspective. Those who I write about are essentially characters. They aren’t named. They aren’t identifiable. If you see events/traits I describe that you don’t like because you've done similar/see them in yourself, then it’s time to assess 'you' rather than attack 'me'.
I too am a human being. I too am sensitive. I too don’t deserve to have been treated the way I have by certain people. Everybody has a breaking point and in that moment say things or do things they probably ought not – I am no exception to this. But at the same time I’ve come to a point in my life when I am unwilling to take anymore.
So balancing these two dynamics (reaching breaking point and standing up for myself) is difficult to reconcile. I am unwilling to be taken advantage of. I am unwilling to be treated as though I’m merely here to be trampled over. I won’t stand by and accept bad behaviour and then be called on to be subjected to more and more and more by anybody – I don’t care who they are.
There’s a quote that illustrates perfectly what I mean, which I found recently…I don’t know where it originates from unfortunately so cannot reference it…it goes:
‘You provoke her until she roars and then get upset at her for becoming the monster you created’.
I have one ex who I am not completely over and who I have not written about yet…maybe I will someday. Maybe not. I wouldn’t get back with him but I still need a little bit more time to reflect, accept and let go in my heart.
This Blog is not about me still hankering after anybody or me not being able to get on with my life. This Blog is just my therapy. My counselling. Me processing. And me just hoping that I can save one person from doing stupid things after being dumped/being used/being betrayed etc so that they do not accept further bad treatment, further abuse, further drama and further time embroiled with another who simply does not deserve a place in their life.
So my life is my life and my experiences are my experiences. My way of handling things are mine (right or wrong) (nuts or not) and what I write about is what I write about.
I wish every one of my exes and encounters all the very best. I just implore them not to take the absolute piss out of me and expect it to be taken lying down.
If you relentlessly treat somebody badly…at some point there’s going to be a reaction – ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ if you like.
I am empty of reaction…nothing to see here. The camel’s back broke and is under reconstruction…and then it’s not carrying straw anymore; just a life free of being taken advantage of.
And I'll Blog and I'll Blog until I decide it's time to stop Blogging. Because writing about my life belongs to me and that is why I Blog.