WHY I BLOG

I already alluded to this in my very first post three months ago, but I started this Blog to help me process a breakup I experienced at the start of this year.  This person was ‘too good to be true’ and whoever gets him is a lucky girl - every girl deserves a man like him in their life.  The split was amicable, quick, clean and there has been no contact since.  Which is exactly how a breakup should be. 

But then he was a mature person.  A kind person, an intelligent and decisive, decent person.  He wasn’t playing a game.  He wasn’t telling me one thing one moment and something else the next – there was no mind fuckery.  Pure and simple the timing was wrong and I could see that and I accepted it even though it hurt like hell.  

The next relationship I have will have to match up to that one, because I am not settling for anything less. 

So to help me process losing someone so ideal I decided to start this Blog.  I always said that at some point I would write in some format or another about the dating experiences I’ve had in the past and that particular breakup just spurred me on…because I needed an outlet.  It cut me in half – not the loss as such…I hadn’t fallen in love with him yet.  What cut me in half was that I knew for only the first or maybe second time in my life I would have done…and of course the ‘could have beens’. 

And I wanted to help people too.  Because I have been treated abominably in the past – as have a lot of people, I understand.  I don’t want your sympathy by the way.  My intention has been to actually poke fun at myself in the hope that you might learn from my mistakes….like when I’ve allowed a dumping to be dragged out all day (my fault), when I’ve got crazy over a picture on Facebook (my fault), when I’ve allowed myself to continue to be manipulated and used for extended periods of time (my fault). 

These are my mistakes.  I’ve allowed this treatment.  I have to take responsibility for that and I do.  These are my experiences.  Me writing about this and highlighting my own mistakes is my way of trying to get you to see why none of that is a good idea. 

And then you factor in freedom of speech and expression, fiction, non-fiction and that I love to write - I'm not professing to be any good at it.

Putting yourself out there, online, can attract abuse.   Usually it doesn’t.  But sometimes it does and has.

But my Blog is ultimately about ME.  It’s not about anybody else.  It’s about my experiences, my life, my mistakes, what I’ve been through and what I’ve been subjected to from a dating/relationship perspective.  Those who I write about are essentially characters.  They aren’t named.  They aren’t identifiable.  If you see events/traits I describe that you don’t like because you've done similar/see them in yourself, then it’s time to assess 'you' rather than attack 'me'.

I too am a human being.  I too am sensitive.  I too don’t deserve to have been treated the way I have by certain people.  Everybody has a breaking point and in that moment say things or do things they probably ought not – I am no exception to this.  But at the same time I’ve come to a point in my life when I am unwilling to take anymore. 

So balancing these two dynamics (reaching breaking point and standing up for myself) is difficult to reconcile.  I am unwilling to be taken advantage of.  I am unwilling to be treated as though I’m merely here to be trampled over.  I won’t stand by and accept bad behaviour and then be called on to be subjected to more and more and more by anybody – I don’t care who they are. 

There’s a quote that illustrates perfectly what I mean, which I found recently…I don’t know where it originates from unfortunately so cannot reference it…it goes:

‘You provoke her until she roars and then get upset at her for becoming the monster you created’.
      

I have one ex who I am not completely over and who I have not written about yet…maybe I will someday.  Maybe not.  I wouldn’t get back with him but I still need a little bit more time to reflect, accept and let go in my heart. 

This Blog is not about me still hankering after anybody or me not being able to get on with my life.  This Blog is just my therapy.  My counselling.  Me processing.  And me just hoping that I can save one person from doing stupid things after being dumped/being used/being betrayed etc so that they do not accept further bad treatment, further abuse, further drama and further time embroiled with another who simply does not deserve a place in their life.

So my life is my life and my experiences are my experiences.  My way of handling things are mine (right or wrong) (nuts or not) and what I write about is what I write about. 

I wish every one of my exes and encounters all the very best.  I just implore them not to take the absolute piss out of me and expect it to be taken lying down.

 

If you relentlessly treat somebody badly…at some point there’s going to be a reaction – ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ if you like. 

I am empty of reaction…nothing to see here.  The camel’s back broke and is under reconstruction…and then it’s not carrying straw anymore; just a life free of being taken advantage of.

And I'll Blog and I'll Blog until I decide it's time to stop Blogging.  Because writing about my life belongs to me and that is why I Blog.

THE RETURN OF THE EX...MY EX HAS COME BACK...WHAT DO I DO?!

I feel compelled to write this post because in February and March, before I got embroiled with bloody ‘Fumble’ I gave you such good advice on dealing with breakups and the aftermath!  And if you followed my advice, which in brief is not initiating contacting with the person who dumped you EVER again, there can be an unfortunate side effect. 

The unfortunate by-product of making yourself a priority and moving on without looking back is that unfortunately, quite often, that ex will come back’.  Yes, you read that right.  There is no typo.

‘UNFORTUNATELY… QUITE OFTEN EXES DO COME BACK’. 

Fortunately sometimes they come back too; but UNFORTUNATELY so do the wrong un’s, because they are just plain WRONG and sometimes more often than not they will come back for a second, oh lord… third, oh lordie-lord…fourth, oh tell them to jog on already. 

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALLOWING THE RETURN OF WRONG ‘UNS TO HAVE A SECOND CHANCE OF DOING YOU OVER.  You have the power to make it stop, by not tolerating them in your life.  Exercise your power.   

Let’s say you’ve handled the dumping with elegance (…in this INSTANCE that’s exactly what you HAVE done).  You didn’t get overly emotional during the breakup, you accepted their decision, you immediately ceased contacting them and you’ve been putting all of your time and energy into you; good on you, you screwed-on little PRINCESS, cause you’ve owned that breakup!  And I for one am proud.  Shout out who you are in the comments and I’ll give you some praise.

You’ve gone through the tough days, sometimes needing a kick up the arse and others a sympathetic shoulder to cry on…and you’re starting to feel all better – in fact you’re feeling stronger and better than ever; you’ve got your equilibrium back and the oxytocin has drained out through your pours cause of all of that work you’ve been putting into detoxing from the love-drug. 

And then…your phone beeps nonchalantly at you – it’s got a message for you.  You give it a bit of nonchalance back in the form of a casual glance and…your phone tricked you into thinking it was going to be another sales call...

…SHOCK, HORROR – your ex’s name (which if s/he’s Entitled you’ve reprogrammed in your device to ‘IT’S A NO’ as a blunt reminder that your answer to anything they ask for is a categorical ‘NO’), is back again to help themselves to a second bite of your ass.

Now for the purpose of this post, I’m going to assume that your ex dumped you because your relationship was somehow unhealthy in one of the following ways or for a similar type of reason:

• ·         They didn’t want a ‘commitment’ anymore.
• ·         They cheated.
• ·         They are an (…urghhhh) ‘Entitled’.
• ·         They like drama.
• ·         They gave you an ‘it’s not you it’s me’ type of dumping.
• ·         Something they were saying during the breakup was not adding up and in the words of The Great Judge Judy, ‘if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not true’.

Basically, I’m going to assume that the person who dumped you did so because they were having second thoughts about the relationship and were not really bothered about having a healthy, equal relationship with you.  If you were honest about the relationship you’d agree that it was more unhappy/unhealthy than happy/healthy, but nevertheless…for whatever reason…you…still…want…him/her…back...??????????!!!!!!!!

So what you’ve got here is a little sucker and a job on your hands! 

Now everybody is capable of changing, even an ‘Entitled’…yeah I’m not convinced either; but ok, people can and do change BUT…and here’s the ‘BUTT’ of the ‘BUT’; a positive and genuine change in a person’s character takes self-awareness.  Change takes self-realisation, change takes effort, reflection, contrition and work.  Soul searching even. 

Can you imagine that bloody ex of yours ‘searching his/her soul’ – searching Tinder maybe, but I’m talking about his/her soul and not the sole of their shoe.  Generally, people do not change from being a shitty partner to Prince Charming overnight or within a few days, weeks or months.  So I’m going to tell you this for nothing.  99.9% of the time, if your ex treated you with indifference OR WORSE, that’s what you are getting when he/she comes back, except magnified.  Because in that 99.9% of the time one of three things will happen:

• 1)     They will come back, treat you AS bad if you’re lucky and worse if you’re not, knowing they can get away with it and they’ll be off again as soon as they are bored or their head is turned or the relationship gets a bit on the tough side.
•  2)     There will either be a ‘friends’ or ‘friends with benefits’ offer on the table.
•  3)     They will come back pretending they want to start again but really are ‘Entitled’ and they just want to take what they can get; some more of you in the form of your money, your energy, your hope. 

They obviously are not going to tell you their ‘true’ intention(s) for coming back like a bout of herpes because you’d LOL hard and loud at them, tell them where they can get off or slap their face (only you wouldn’t actually make contact with their face with your hand because putting your hands on somebody is NEVER acceptable, even if they are ‘Entitled’…I suppose)…or at least that’s what they assume you would do because they know deep down that their behaviour is unacceptable.

So when you get that message or contact from an ex who was anything other than a keeper, you’ve got a big old decision to make.  It shouldn’t be a BIG OLD decision, a BIG OLD PAIN IN THE ARSE THAT YOU ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THEM AGAIN yes, but it shouldn’t be a difficult decision, however you’ll make it into one, because you want your ex back; when that ex’s name came up on your phone, just to get them back you would tolerate EN-EY-THING; yeah, they know!  

The options you now have are as follows:

1).   You do not give them the time of day OR at most you are polite and you reply to their ‘How are you?’ type predictable, boring, LAZY, yawn QUESTION with a ‘Good thank you, hope you are too’ STATEMENT. 

You reply to their QUESTION with a STATEMENT because a QUESTION invites an answer (translates: YOU are continuing the conversation – you’re making it easy for them) a STATEMENT does not.  Even if you answer with a statement, guaranteed they will interpret it as a question and say something like ‘I’m good too thanks, what are you up to?’  

That’s fine, but the point is that you are not encouraging them because THEY ARE NO GOOD FOR YOU AND YOU WANT THEM TO GO AWAY WHILST STILL BEING UNIQUE AND CLASSY. 

So you’ve done unique and classy, you can leave it there and not reply to any further contact from them, unless they have really have changed (they haven’t) and they want a genuine second chance (they don’t) and you want it to (NO YOU DON’T). 

BUT I KNOW YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO WANT TO GO WITH THE SECOND

‘NOT AN OPTION’ OPTION…

2).   You’re going to want to engage because you are hoping that they want you back, hoping they’ve realised that they can’t live without you and hoping they’re going to make it all up to you and foolishly hoping that the frog has turned into a Prince. 

In 99.9% of cases that belief of change you hope has happened is Disney, Spielberg, Fox News.   It’s fantasy.  Not real.  It’s in YOUR HEAD.  If your ex dumped you because they met somebody else, they will do it again.  If your ex dumped you with the offering of the ‘you’re too good for me’ line, then guess what?  You’re STILL too good.  How have they improved?  What have they achieved in a few days, weeks or months that changes the reason(s) they gave for dumping you…you being the one they said was too good for them???  Tell me in the comments below…!!! 

OH, MAAAANNNNN…please take option ONE.  (1). 1. i. w-one. ONNNNNEEEEEE…

…Ok, you’re taking option two…?  UmmmHMMMM…if you believe the chat they are giving you now (let’s just meet up and see how ‘it’ goes! Fancy coming over now for a little bit?....) and you get your hopes up and believe they are coming back with good intensions you’re going to be dealing with this…

OFF THE SCALE BAD BEHAVIOUR!!! 

When your car…yes your automotive vehicle (translates: ex), breaks down, stops working (metaphorically ‘dumps you’), you respond (to that ‘dumping’) by LEAVING your car [ex] in a mechanic’s garage [without you] whilst it [your ex] is potentially being FIXED [potentially evolving into a decent human being] or not capable of being fixed [‘…not capable of evolving into a monkey, let alone a viable option’]. 

You don’t want your car [ex] back still broken [unreliable/not working].  Your car [ex] needs to be fixed and working better than ever otherwise your car [ex] is ‘NO GOOD…TO YOU’ [for you].  If your car isn’t mended and not capable of being mended then that’s a pain, you will have to replace it.  If your car came out the garage still not reliable and not doing its job you would replace it.  So why are you willing to let an unreliable not-doing-his/her-job-ex back?

It’s like taking your broken car home with you still broken.  It’s just going to sit on the drive being useless and you’re going to eventually see how useless it is and you’re going to ‘resent’ it…or ‘tolerate’ it…or ‘learn to live with it’!  This ex you’ve taken back is going to be that clapped out banger you, ‘resent’, ‘tolerate’ or ‘learn to live with’ that’s taking up space in your garage (life) - useless (USELESS)…UPGRADE!  Find a ‘brand new Porshe’ and dump that ‘heap of worn out crap’ (translates: find a ‘keeper’ who is worth of you, and don’t take that ‘time thief’ back into your life).

You’ve still done the right thing, by the way, keeping the dumping and aftermath dignified because you’ve looked after YOURSELF.  You just have to carry on being a superstar for a little bit longer, til THAT ex of an option…who by contacting you has just become YOUR OPTION that you are not going back to EVER, gets the message and finds a new toy to play with.

One final thought – when I was once telling a male friend, also, a ‘reformed player of epic proportion’ how I’d handled a dumping by an ‘arrrrrrrse’, he asked me how I’d responded to that dumping.  I told him I accepted the dumping with dignity and hadn’t tried to contact or speak to him since he dumped me. 

He said ‘aaahhhhhh, you’re EASY TO GET RID OF???…he’ll be back…for what he can get’…and he’s either psychic or more likely so fine-tuned into player mentality that he was RIGHT.  Right that he came back and right that he was back for what he could flippin’ well get...I've not written about that one yet...  

So, there you have it!  If you’ve been dumped by a person who does not have your best interests at heart and you have been amazing, strong and dignified during the breakup and aftermath, chances are, to them you are still an option to pick up, play with and discard whenever they so choose, because you don’t make life difficult for them when they want out…and you shouldn’t…but you should make it difficult…no, you should make it IMPOSSIBLE for these types to ever get a second chance with you.

You don’t want to be an option for this user of an ex; you want to be THE PRIORITY OF ‘A KEEPER’.

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY

 

DO 'GOOD DEEDS' FOR 'GOOD PEOPLE'...and 'good people' alone...

The last week has been draining A.F.  I feel like I’m coming down with something.  A migraine? Head flu?  An aneurysm?…Perhaps I am…or perhaps I’m just totally rung out like the rag I look….at least I’m having my hair done soon so that the rag I do look will be covered up by a freshly bleached mop.

I feel like I’ve been bleached into oblivion.  Who am I today?  Do I not matter?  Have I been put on this earth to be walked all over?  How did one misjudged, misplaced ‘good deed’ lead to all THIS?  Am I mean?  Am I just being nasty?  What am I?  Who am I?  

My intention was to write about something else…but I’m pre-occupied with THIS… 

·         ‘THIS’ IS WHAT I MEAN BY ‘THIS’

Now I know that I go on…and on….and on….and on….about entitled people…but one of the cheekiest I have ever known or known of or heard of has come back.  I don’t mean I’ve taken him back (as if).  I don’t mean I’ve met with him (no ta).  I don’t mean I’ve even spoken to him (don’t have his number).  What I mean is that he has made his ‘presence’ felt.  It’s taken him fifteen-ish social media messages to mess with my equilibrium.  How does he do it?  I don’t even like him anymore – haven’t done so for years yet he’s gone 'full throttle entitlement' for the first time in 18 months! 

I’ve previously drawn inspiration from his antics HERE - he’s been my little entitled-muse.  I have so many instances that I could tell you about when he has pushed me to my limits.  I think he can’t shock me anymore with his sheer entitled-ness but he always does.  He always sinks to an even lower-low, though he may very well have surpassed himself during the last few days.

So this post is written really as a 'warning' because despite being able to ‘recognise’ that he is indeed very entitled whilst I am acutely ‘aware’ of his tactics and ‘strong’ enough to resist… these tactics STILL get into my head and make me question myself. 

Manipulation tactics and people like THIS get under your skin ever so quickly and with seamless ability.  It’s an art form.  They are ‘manipulation tactic experts’ and you have to become an ‘avoidance tactic expert’, otherwise you’ll be toast and penniless. 

My message is ‘BE READY FOR THESE TYPES OF VERY DANGEROUS PEOPLE AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY DESERVE AND NOT WHAT THEY WANT’.  What they WANT is the WORLD when what they DESERVE is NOTHING. 

·         A BIT OF BACKGROUND

In the beginning he was lovely.  Happy-go-lucky, cheeky-chappy, funny, laidback – I THOUGHT…and I had my confidence intact.  I felt ‘happy’ and all that…I was in a good place…I wasn’t feeling ‘unworthy’ or ‘willing to settle’ and there was not a hint of ‘take advantage HERE’ tattooed on my head...

Now I’m trying to think of the first thing he outright asked me for or the first time he expected something…and it was to share my wine!  No biggie right?  But my wine wasn’t good enough.  So that was criticised.  He doesn’t drink £5.50 bottles of wine don’t you know…he prefers £12.00 to £18.00 bottles of wine as standard.  Me too…as a once a year treat – but not to nonchalantly guzzle like pop whilst having a box-set binge and gobbling down takeaway.
 

So HE asked ME for £15.00 so he could pop on down to the shop and get what he deemed to be ‘an at least semi-decent bottle of red’.  I laughed this off…I thought he was joking...I don't even drink 'red'...but as long as he's got his needs filled, right?!  

We had a bit of a stand-off.  He was actually serious.  But I wasn’t that stupid (YET) – I told him he could share what I had or otherwise use the tap in the kitchen to try and turn water into the wine he so craved.  Suddenly the £5.50 bottle of white I had in my fridge became ‘good enough’ he ‘supposed’.  He did keep muttering ‘vinegar’…so I got him some and lavishly splashed it over his chips.

There were LOADS of little bits of this kind of behaviour going on which I ignored and shouldn’t have – like I paid for EVERY.THING (never again) – my fault, my bad, I allowed this, I’ll take it on the chin.  An unwritten rule was apparently in force; drinks, food, the odd scratch-card, his lottery ticket and that were my responsibility.
 

Then the text-bomb, which I’ve told you about HERE when he called things off because he still had feelings for a married, preggers work colleague and it emerged as well that he’d kissed her only the night before.  Bleurgh.  And as you may recall, I replied by wishing him all the best and hoped it worked out for them both.   

·         THE COMEBACK KID

So that was it for a few weeks ‘til he re-contacted me asking for ‘favours’.  Those were initially declined until he lied that he felt he had made a mistake and did want us to give things another try, a proper try…maybe…

…so though I was still honestly very, very, very reluctant about him and giving him another go…he got his favours and he fucked off again…should have seen that coming, but anyway…that’s in the past when idiotic-ness overcame me BUT that was the very last of those type of favours he ever got from me…we’re going back quite a few years now too - this wouldn't have happened today!  He met somebody else and that was fine…cause I realised I had actually got ‘The ‘ick’ on him after the whole married, preggers thing…and there’s no going back from ‘The ‘ick’.


THE PATTERN

Sometime later, when he and the new one parted ways…he contacted me again.  See the pattern here?!  

We met up and I 200% knew that I did not feel any kind of attraction towards him.  We had a laugh and a few nice times (at my expense) just chilling, but romantically nahhhh.  To be honest, I just enjoyed his friendship… occasionally…and for very short periods of time.  I suppose I enjoyed an occasional short catch-up with him over drinks in a public place, if we’re breaking shit down.  Or perhaps it was the drinks in the public place part that interested me….he could have been anybody as long as they were liberally minded and anti-Brexit.  

He’s a person with no responsibilities.  No wife, no ex-wife, no children, no car, no mortgage, no rent, no utility bills and no inclination to go to work.  He was working…but he had no inclination to do so.  So there was plenty of taking the piss sick-leave going on – for long, perhaps ‘prolonged’ periods – but luckily for him the company he works for appear ‘staff orientated’ and take a softly-softly approach to ‘ill-health’. 


THE DEBT

Debt though – oh yes, somehow(?) there was plenty of that.  And the bailiffs were now involved…the imminent overdue debts combined were in the region of £350.00.  I mean that’s 'an amount', but for a person with no responsibilities and a half decent job that can afford to smoke, drink, enjoy a bet and expensive days out with mates, with a little bit of sacrifice £350.00 is no amount at all.  But he is in panic mode, because the bailiffs are going to be knocking on the door of his parents’ house imminently and most probably seizing goods.  

He can’t pay – they’re gonna take it away.  His parents can’t pay – they’re in Montego Bay.  There’s one sucker left – who’ll end up bereft….because I’m about to take over parenting responsibilities of their grown ass son whilst they are sunning it up, otherwise their television is a gone-a for starters.

THE FAVOUR

Not realising the full extent of his entitled-self and mainly feeling very sorry for his lovely, out-of-the-loop, retired parents and thinking how I’d feel if I’d dropped my own in this type of ‘predicament’, (he pushed all of my sympathy buttons until) I offered to pay the amount owing providing he made all attempts to pay me back within 3 months (which shouldn’t be too hard, right, given his particular circumstances?) but definitely within 6 months as I wanted to use the funds to partially cover something I had been saving up for over the last few months. 

I drew up a little contract which he reluctantly signed…he said ‘…but if I can’t pay this back it means that you could take me to small claims court…’ whilst I handed him a pen.  Errr, yeah, that’s the point you idiot...on the dotted line perrrrrleasse...and an alternate proof of your signature kind sir, so I know you ain't trying to fiddle shit.

Contract drafted and signed, money paid, bailiffs happy.  Him ecstatic, so off to the pub to celebrate with his mates!  Me 350.00 odd quid lighter and going deaf…because I swear to god I never heard a ‘thank you’.

But honestly, this is not how I live.  This is not my life - which is why I was so anal? ...no sensible... about drawing up a Contract and verifying his signature.  I don’t depend upon anybody to loan me money and my friends are the same.  And if I had loaned money to any of my friends they wouldn’t be accepting £350.00 to immediately dismiss me so that they can jolly on off to the pub to celebrate financial liberation with their other mates.

So this is new to me…I’m working on the assumption that everybody pays their way in life…and after all, I had made a grand gesture and got him out of crap that his parents would never need to be troubled about…so surely he wouldn’t be a dick.


THE AFTERMATH

LOL…this gesture opened the floodgates. 

Every day thereafter, by text…THIS…

...can I borrow?  Can you add it on to what I owe you?  Just amend the contract.  It’s only twenty quid.  It’s only five quid.  But I need… But I want… You’ve just been paid… I know you’ve got it… I’ve asked everybody I know… You’re the only one who can help… I’ll pay you back… I’ll pay you double… I need help… You’ve got money left over the month so lend it me… Why should you have money when I don’t… You’re so selfish… Give me one good reason why you can’t help me; yeah, you can’t can you?  Who else can I ask?... 

Initially, I thought, well yeah, it is only a tenner, it is only another twenty…but that adds up bloody quick when you are being asked every day/every other day.

I started to dread my phone pinging cause I knew it would be another transfer of funds request.  Oh, and the request was generally to cover booze, meals out, bets and fags.  Cause he had a roof over his head, paid for, clothing on his back, paid for and food in his mouth, paid for.  It wasn’t like he had kids that needed feeding and clothing or that he would otherwise have been on the streets…not that that would have been my responsibility btw. 

But my point is that the money was for him to just flitter away on his luxury items, whereas I’m then necessarily budgeting because of him so that I can pay actual important stuff…like my mortgage and my council tax whilst depriving my own self of a bit of luxury.  

I felt like I’d suddenly given birth without being pregnant to the most demanding, self-centred, now-now-now-want-want-want, BRAT I’d ever had the misfortune of meeting.  If any child of mine acted like him I'd have left them on the doorstep of Social Services and fucked off for good.  I felt like a single parent having to meet this oversized brat's every demand ALONE and without any prior experience of parenting.   

So this is the situation…

·                    We aren’t together.

·                    I’m not attracted to him anymore and in any case would never consider being with him again in any capacity.

·                    I had him labelled as ‘an ex’ and ‘an acquaintance’.

·                    We hardly met up.

·                    We never speak over the telephone.

·                    He only messages to scab money.

·                    He feels very ok with the fact that I have paid off the bailiffs.

·                    He feels even more ok to text me for more, more, more and more transfers into his bank account to cover the cost of what I deem to be ‘luxury items’.

DON’T KID YOURSELF…IF YOU ARE BEING TREATED LIKE 'THIS' YOU ARE A VICTIM OF ‘FINANCIAL ABUSE’

        

THE FINANCIAL ABUSE

Very quickly, maybe three transactions in, so over a period of 5-ish days, I was like…’nah, I’m not doing this’, which is when the real ‘financial abuse’ started.

I have a friend…no, really, I do!  She’s a psychotherapist.  She had recognised the signs of this ‘financial abuse’ thingie IMMEDIATELY because of the ‘manner’ in which he asked for money and the ‘expectation’ he exhibited that I ‘would’ help and ‘should’ help....and well, it was blatantly obvious really that this was the case - objectively speaking you don't need ten solid years of training to identify that!  

She said clear as anything ‘mate, you’re being financially abused here…’.  I didn’t want to believe her.  I actually thought she’d made the term up!  ‘No’ I snapped, ‘I’m being a mate…helping a mate out…he’s signed a contract’.  And trying to balance being primarily my ‘friend’ and professionally a ‘psychotherapist’ she didn’t say anymore…I had to figure it out for myself.

When I said ‘no’ to his fourth request for yet more money he hounded me by text ALLLL DAY until I gave in.  He started off with begging.  Then he was all ‘fair enough, if you’re hard up for twenty quid, I suppose I understand’.  Then he’d send me photos of loose change that he’d foraged around for with comments such as ‘just another £16.37 to find’.  

 

And a picture of his hand down the back of his father's favourite chair captioned ‘Nope…nothing there…’.  Then we’d get on to ‘oh my god…I think I’m going to die.  I’m having an acute anxiety attack…I need fags…please, please help me’.

He honestly just drained me.  At work, stressed out and having to deal with this manipulative shit essentially for £16.37.  I got to feeling that £16.37 was worth it to get him off my back for the rest of the day.  He made me feel as though his requests were perfectly rational and that I was the unreasonable one for saying no, y’know, whilst I was at work and he was off ‘sick’…messaging me his list of demands.

·         THE CYCLE  

And the next time and the next time, he was slowly wearing me down so that I’d initially put up a fight, but I'd back down quicker and quicker each time because the manipulation was getting worse…‘I’ll die if I don’t have money for a drink…haven’t you heard of alcohol withdrawal causing seizures and death – it’ll be on your conscience – all for twenty quid’ – I couldn’t handle the guilt trips, the name calling and the constant stream of pleading, demanding, abusive cycle of text messages on top of work, paying my own bills and the general stresses of life, so it was easier just to give in…I knew he was going to get his way in the end so why go through the systematic trauma? 

I couldn’t block him because I’d never see a penny back from him.  So I suppose I was becoming more and more invested – it’s not dissimilar to getting hooked on gambling I suppose.  Once you get in so far you have to continue in order to recoup your loss and the debt gets bigger and bigger and the way out of what has become a rut just gets more and more impossible.

·         A ‘LITTLE SITUATION’ I SHOULD NOT HAVE IGNORED

Just before the bailiffs thing, y’know, the ‘good deed’…I went to collect him from his (parents’) house(!!) to take him to the train station(!!).  He was visiting friends in Edinburgh (100s of miles away from us) for a long weekend!  Lucky him hey!  As we were leaving, he said goodbye to his sister.  I couldn’t actually see her…he poked his head round the door of the room where she was sitting…but I heard the exchange. 

He said ‘I’m off to Scotland now…are you doing anything good this weekend…?’, she answered REALLY sharp like  ‘No.  I. Am. NOT. GOING. OUT. THIS. WEEKEND.  I DO NOT HAVE the money. To. Be. Going. Out. This weekend, because you ‘borrowed’ what I’d put aside and haven’t. paid. IT. BACK. YET – so my plans are now CANCELLED’.  The atmosphere was just hostile with a capital ‘H’ – cut the atmosphere with a knife type shit.  He couldn’t have felt it though cause he just replied…LOL…he actually said THIS all breezy and light ‘Oh, OK!  Have a good weekend IN then.  See you Tuesday’. 

I mean how cheeeeeeeeeeky is that?!

It was like her necessarily having to stay in had absolutely nothing to do with him – that was her own fault, she should have budgeted better, stoopid girl! 

I thought he’d at least acknowledge the debt…or say something like… ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t be going to Scotland given that I owe you money…’ or even just give a nod to the fact that it was undeniably shit that he was train-ing it 100s of miles away to party with a least a proportion of her money.  He just didn’t seem to take the hint….

AND, I think I’ve cracked the recipe…I’ll share…

The Recipe for Entitlement

1)     Set aside one ‘fully grown-ass man’.

2)     Measure out 50 ounces of ‘quick-thinking manipulation’.

3)     Combine with 3 giant scoops of 'laziness'.

4)     Add 500 grams of ‘thick-skin’.

5)     Mix with 500 millilitres of ‘couldn’t give a shit’.

6)     Fold in 10 good old pinches of ‘I’m alright Jack’.

7)     Season well with ‘not my fault’ and ‘the world owes me’.

8)     Pour into the orifices of the ‘fully grown-ass man’ you set aside earlier....wait for it to want something.

COOK'S NOTE:  Rises quickly and causes whirlwind sensation, Gin by the litre is the perfect accompaniment...if you can't stomach meths. 

·         THE ONGOING PERILS OF DOING A GOOD DEED FOR THE ENTITLED

Within 3-4 weeks following payment to the bailiffs he’d managed to almost double the amount he owed me.  His next salary should have been used to pay me back or at least in-part, which is what I’d been led to believe.  Only…nope…nothing.  I let him off.  I didn’t want to embarrass HIM, can you believe, by chasing him up.

The following month I overcame 'his' embarrassment with a gentle reminder…but he couldn’t afford more than £40.00 he tells me because he’s travelling to Cardiff to watch the England v Wales rugby match and with travel, drinks, accommodation, tickets…it’ll leave him short for the rest of the month.  Because that’s my problem apparently?

The following month £30.00 with another excuse…and the next £30.00 and an even crapper excuse…and the next £30.00 and then the next, his payday comes, passes and nothing.  I let a further four days pass and I sent him ONE polite reminder message.  His reply ‘I only got paid fucking seven days ago, give me a chance, are you that desperate for money?’  Two days later £10.00!

The following month, nothing. 

I sent him ONE polite reminder message.  His reply ‘I’m blocking you now…I’m sure you’ll understand why’.  So this is where my mind-set went ‘either I crazy or he crazy…or we both crazy’.  I contemplated what to do.  And it was THEN, in that moment that I decided I wasn’t going to let this drop.  I was going to make sure he paid the lot back…every penny.  I messaged his sister ONCE since I couldn’t contact him directly.  I was very polite and just made her aware of the ‘situation’ and asked if she could ‘talk some sense into him’.  I didn’t get a reply from her and I understand the probable reasons for this, but I know she’d read it.
 

A week or so later I heard through the grapevine that he has a new girlfriend and they’re in Dublin, which is EXPENSIVE!  And that’s fine, but to be living it up in Ireland and all that when he has debts to pay a person he’s now unjustifiably blocked (THAT’s ME) just pissed me off….cause I can’t afford fucking Dublin on a whim!

The message to his sister did however prompt him to cooperate a little, and he did eventually (after he and his new girlfriend parted ways) unblock me…but just over £600.00 took him 18 months to pay back.  That works out at £33.00 per month give or take.  Full-time well-paid job, no mortgage, no wife, no kids, no car, no household bills, no responsibilities…£33.00 per month????

·         THE UP-TO-DATE POSITION 

OK, so this brings you up-to-date with mid-last week.  What was to be his final payment (of a piffling £10.00 that I was NOT going to be letting him off with) had been overdue for two weeks (i.e. since payday).  I sent ONE polite chaser message.  I’m told, ‘…yeah, I’ll get that to you in a few days…’.  

Later that same day I get a message a bit like this…‘Remind me how much I owe you again…’

Me…ROLLING MY EYES IN FRUSTRATED-COOPERATION: ‘£10.00’.

Him:  ‘I’ll give you £20.00 on top of what I owe you in exchange for you doing hardly anything for me at all actually’.

My reply:  ‘I don’t want it…please just transfer what you owe me’. 

Him:  ‘Let’s make it £50.00 and you hardly have to do anything’. 

I reply:  ‘I don’t want £50.00, £100.00, £1,000.00, £1,000,000.00…I just want what you owe me and not a penny more’. 

The reminder:  ‘I’ll give you £50.00 plus what I owe you, for doing as I say nothing really.  I just need you to act as guarantor on a loan’.

So I fell over, choked, picked myself up off the floor and poured a gin.  10:00am isn’t too early for gin is it?…For the shock, like?  To quell the excessive shaking?

I have two main big problems.  The problems are how he worded his request and the actual request. 

·         MY TWO MAIN BIG PROBLEMS

Firstly, don’t fucking tell me what is and what is not ‘well, nothing really’…I’LL be the judge of THAT.

And secondly…hell, secondly, where to start…?  Being a guarantor for ANY.BODY is such a horrific idea.  Truly horrific.  The reality of the situation is THIS: 

• ·         You’ve got no control over the debt/the terms of the loan BECAUSE that’s been negotiated for you by the ‘no-financial-sense-don’t-care-if-he-defaults' Borrower and the ‘I’m-a-gonna-get-all-the-money-you-owe-me-and-more-from-that-solvent-Guarantor' Lender who sure as hell knows the Borrower ain't going to be doing the repaying.
• ·         You’re in debt for a debt you don’t need
• ·         You’re liable for a debt that you don’t even want.
• ·         It’s a guarantee that the interest rate is going to be astronomical.
• ·         The debt is not benefiting you or enhancing your life.
• ·         You are at the mercy of the Borrower.
• ·         You are at the mercy of the Lender.
• ·         You are a sacrificial lamb…start baaaa-ing as though you are on the way to the slaughter house.
•       Oh, and you’re going to get shafted at some point by both Lender and Borrower intermittently, concurrently and repeatedly.

Other than giving you palpitations every month and all through the month worrying whether the 'no incentive' borrower is actually going to be arsed to pay or actually minded to default…how is this going to enhance your life and mental health in ANY.WAY??  Life's hard enough!

This debt is essentially going to be your ball and chain for god knows how long, with 200% interest to boot with no come back on the damn borrower if they decide they don’t feel like paying anymore and you can’t get hold of them because they’ve had the audacity to block you.  Money can ruin the strongest of relationships.  Imagine what can happen where the parties concerned have no actual respect for the other!

·         THE CONTRACT TO OVERRIDE THE CONTRACT

So then he tried to tell me, oh god…he did…he then tried to tell me that I can WRITE UP A CONTRACT which he will gladly sign to override the Guarantor Loan Company Contract so that 'IF' (a’hem, clearly ‘WHEN’) he defaults I won’t be liable. 

SO NOW I HAVE NO WORDS…just coughs, splutters and WT-in-the-strongest-of-term-F-s?

Can you imagine THAT conversation with the Loan Company:

‘Yes Mr Loan Company…I am the Guarantor of your zero credit rated client…the interest rate is 250%...yeah, ok…and he’s defaulted on his first payment has he, shock…so you’re saying I owe HOW MUCH?  

Aaaahhh, but Mr Loan Company your client and I drew up a little Contract of our own that overrides your pesky Contract.  Here it is written on a scrappy piece of paper that was lying in the bottom of my handbag…yeah…it has been signed by us both – and oh look, we even dated it…and it says, in essence, that in the very unlikely event(!!!) that this financially useless borrower defaults, ‘I will not be liable to your Company in my capacity of a non-Guarantor-Guarantor’. 

Ain’t we smart – got one over on you didn’t we.  So you can go back to your client …don’t trouble me…the debt is back over to him…second thoughts…I don’t actually think HE as the ‘borrower’ or I as the ‘Guarantor’ are now liable to pay you shit, given our little Contract…so how 'bout you write off the ‘amount due’ and learn this lesson...‘borrowers with a zero credit rating’ and ‘Guarantors who are stupid enough to help such arseholes out’ are smarter than you think’.

I mean??????????????????????????????????????

·        SCRAP THE PLAN

So up until THAT point my actual plan was to teach him a lesson and squeeze every penny ‘he owed me’ out of him.  That plan was scrapped, forgotten, thrown to the dogs.  He could keep the outstanding £10.00.  He could keep his ‘dangling carrot’ and he could fuck off. 

I ignored him.  

Silence was met with several more messages with the full cycle…bribing, begging, coercing, manipulating, cursing, pleading and onwards and so forth.  I don’t know what he wants the loan for, I don’t care.  I don’t want to know the details I am hell not interested – I want no part in any of this or the rest of his life for that matter and I certainly don’t want to be tied to somebody I am systematically abused by, for at least another 2-3 years AT BEST. 

I replied to his penultimate message [where he might have been insinuating that he was going to kill himself…it was a bit open to interpretation…which is manipulation at its best btw] with ‘I will not guarantee anything for you’.  And I got a final ‘I should know by now that I can’t rely on you for even the smallest of things’ type response.

Two days later £10.00 arrived in my account…but rather than being relieved…relieved that this is over, relieved that he’s finally paid the initial debt back 12-15 months later than he should have, I’m thinking… ‘Shit…this is not the end…this is the first part of his round 2 plot to bleed money out of me’.  I can picture it now. 

My phone pings… ‘Can you sign the papers?’ Ping  ‘…look, I’ve paid you back everything I owed’, Ping ‘…I’ve paid you all that I owed you’, Ping ‘you owe me’ Ping ‘I never owed you what you said I did…’ Ping ‘I overpaid you and you know it…’ oh, and a repeat of one of the best he came out with PING. PING. PING ‘…you only help me out when you want something’. 

So now I almost wish he still owed me the final £10.00, but he’s smarter than that.  He is smart where wangling things out of another person is concerned – cause he’s been pulling this shit his whole life! 

But now I’m dreading my phone pinging, dreading him getting hold of me.  Dreading the further manipulation and abuse.  As soon as I realised that final £10.00 had reached my account he was BLOCKED.  A good sound blocking had always been my intention just as soon as the debt was recovered IN FULL.  I don’t have his mobile number our only contact has been through Social Media and whilst as I said he’s now blocked there, he still has my phone number…and he knows where I live and he could definitely, easily find out where I work.  Just how much does he need this loan?…is the question I will never put to him but really need to know the answer to!  

·        WHAT I'D LIKE IN EXCHANGE FOR WRITING THIS POST

I’m not asking for advice here.  I’m not asking for sympathy.  I’m not asking for anything from any of you.  Today, I’m not even asking for a comment (although you are very welcome to do so if you want and especially if you are struggling with this type of manipulation etc) – I just want you to share this and I want this to be shared to warn others about entitlement and how entitled people can really mess with your head and potentially your life, especially when you can’t/don’t say ‘NO’ RIGHT FROM THE START. 

Can you imagine the mess I’d be in if I actually had feelings for this specimen….if I was all sappy in love with him…wanting to believe his lies, his manipulation and happy to do, do, do and help, help, help.  I’d be bankrupt by now, heartbroken and as useful to mankind as wasps are in Summer and he wouldn’t give a shit.  That’s the honest truth of the matter.  He’d just move on and find his next saft victim.

Please everybody, be cautious if you recognise any ‘entitled traits’ within any relationship you may be contemplating or are in because once these fuckers latch on to you it can take years to get rid of them…literally YEARS.  If I’d agreed to this Guarantor shit, I’d be tying myself up with his mess for a further, second prolonged period of time.  He should have been out my life six weeks after I initially met him which is 5 years ago and counting!  Do yourself a favour and don’t entertain these types right from the start.  Recognise the signs and opt out.


STAND FIRM AND DON’T BE GUILTED INTO ANYTHING

Because since he made this fucking shit as hell request of me, a person he really has no regard or respect for, I’ve been anxious.  I’ve felt guilty for not helping.  I have the means…I could lend him the £1,000.00 he wants and it would save him the 200% interest rate he wants (me) to buy into…But I’m saying ‘NO’…because of his previous form.  He can’t be relied on, I’ve had to chase him every month whilst trying not to lose my shit, he never keeps me informed if he can’t pay or if payment will be late, or if he’s amending the amount he can pay.  Plus, I don’t want him in my life.  I’m not a bailiff or a loan shark.  It is not my job to go chasing lazy ass men around for money they owe me or a loan company. 

I’ve never been in this position before.  If I’m asked for help and I have the means, I’ll help…always.  But I’m used to only being approached for help from well-meaning people!  People I class as actual friends and people I respect get my help…nobody else does.  I feel awful standing my ground in this instance yet I have absolutely no reason to feel awful.  He’s shouldn’t be putting any of this on me.  He should feel bad for asking and he should feel terrible about his conduct too.  He should feel too bloody embarrassed to ask me for something so small as my last Rolo…which he also wouldn’t get.   

So my entire thought process is ridiculous, but unfortunately I can’t change who I am.  That doesn’t mean to say he’s getting a penny out of me.  It doesn’t mean he can convince me to change my mind.  Hell no.  But that doesn’t stop the irrational feelings of guilt that’s going on right now and the very rational thoughts of what round 2 is going to look like.  For it is my fear that once this type of person has entered your life they will always find a way to push their luck should they need something.  And when they come back and when you say ‘no’…that’s when the trauma starts…cause they mistake ‘no’ for ‘let’s turn that inconvenient little ‘negative’ into a bloody great big yes’…and you then are ‘FAIR GAME’, disposable-‘PREY’…so if you are in the situation....well, stand strong and I feel your pain.

Please share if you or anybody you know is battling with an entitled...it might give them the strength they need to stick two fingers up and block.  Comment if you like too, of course. 

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY