Tuesday, 2 April 2019

INSTALMENT TWO – LET'S FUMBLE THE SIGN UP





[Continued from Instalment One – link HERE]

Bearing in mind that I have entered into this freeeeeeee app dating stuff following a fairly recent breakup with fear, trepidation and a spot of ‘might be ok to date again - but then again might not’ anxiety, Fumble inflames this because the first thing it wants to know is my phone number; it hasn’t even asked my name yet…like THE VERY FIRST THING IT WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT ME IS HOW IT CAN ACCESS ME, MY LOCATION AND PRETTY MUCH MY EVERYTHING – Fumble is very forward and…Oh hell…how many ‘way-too-forward, Entitled maniacs’ is my phone number going to be distributed to?

It’s ok…Fumble says, but only after I’ve done the unthinkable and given my number to this entitled-free app; Fumble will keep my number safe from all prying eyes, potential murderers and weirdoes it promises…but…it doesn’t mention anything about not dishing it out to the Entitled.  But then I fear it wouldn’t have any male-Fumble potential admirers for me if it eliminated them.  Never mind, I’ll just eliminate them myself then – it’s nothing I haven’t had to do before. 


THE PHOTO FUMBLE

Next step of the ‘Sign Up Process’, I’ve got to upload a photo.  I mean that was inevitable, but for somebody like me who hates the whole photo thing, this is a ‘THING’…I choose the ONLY one of myself that I like, actually the only one I have on my phone (honest) and…Fumble doesn’t like it…so I’ve also learnt quite early on that Fumble is a cheeky fucker. 

Fumble says that I’m breaching some kind of rule it’s just pulled out of its ass that breaches its photograph requirements…I check out ‘The Fumble Photo Rules’, which stipulate the photo must…

1).       …be clear….ermmm…YEP, that’s clearly me – on a good day I admit…I mean I don’t look like that right now, cause I’m not all made up and ready to party as I was there.  Today I’m not rocking the current state of play which is the pyjama and hoodie look quite as well as the ready to go to a party look, but, Fumble, I promise, THAT is still me.

2).       …feature ‘ME’…ermmm…there was me thinking I could maybe upload Margot Robbie’s pretty face to get a bit of a head start, damn, well ok, I didn’t do that and the picture is STILL ME.

3).       …not include anybody else other than the Fumbler; that’s ME…yeah, I can see how THAT could get confusing – it’s just my one head there and I don’t have two last I looked.

Well Fumble…I haven’t broken anything…the picture meets the requirements of your bloody rules…so I try again and again, cause I refuse to go through the hair washing, hair straightening, makeup, false eyelashes, choosing an outfit ritual right now which will take four or so hours especially as I've got nowhere to go after, just so that I can pose for a new profile picture when I've got a perfectly good one, IMO, already to upload…

...but the photo won’t upload, so I relent and Fumble wins and…five hours later, hair washed and straightened, makeup on, false lashes glued, outfit chosen and on, lighting right, pose mastered, picture taken (still nowhere to go unless I bag myself an immediate date...chuckle) and successfully this time, uploaded, luckily for fuckin’ Fumble…but no flippin’ important work got done today – like work I get PAID to do cause I’ve been too busy tarting around with THIS.


FUMBLING AROUND WITH ‘ABOUT ME’

Great, outfit off, hoody back on, hair pulled back, eyelashes 'off and lost' so 'wasted', makeup smudged, now for the ‘About Me’…I grab a pen and paper with enthusiasm, and start writing a short(ish) little essay about who I am and what I’m looking for.  Yep, I’m pretty happy with that.  Back to Fumble to type it up and a couple of sentences in I can’t type anymore – it won’t let me….Oh…I’m restricted…I’ve got 100 characters to work with Fumble tells me AFTER I’ve reached that 100 character limit with still another carefully planned 1,900 characters to type. 

How can I do myself justice and tell male Fumblers who I am, what I want and WHAT I DON’T WANT in 100 characters?  I mean ‘my name is’… adds up to 12, I’m over a 10th of the way through just with an incomplete introduction.  Right, back to the drawing board keeping it REALLY, REALLY, POINTLESSLY short…I go for…

‘Looking 4 a man’s-man’… - (21 characters… Knocked a crucial two out by opting to use the number ‘4’ instead of the full word – which I’m not really sure is worth the mental anguish it causes me).  That’s an important bit of information though there because it eliminates the type of man I once had a relationship with and talk about dumping HERE.

‘ideally my soul mate… – (20 characters), this is important because I want to eliminate the Entitled who I talk about HERE because I know my soul could never be mates with the black hole they possess where their soul should be.

‘with a sense-of-humour – you’re going to need one’…  - (47 characters).  I mean look at my life, and that’s just what I’ve told you!  This sort of shows in 47 characters that I might be able to reciprocate the humour I’m expecting my match to have – Fumblers don’t need to know yet that mine is a bit ‘out-there’…or 'shit'...

‘don’t mind if u have kids…but no more eh?’ - (43 characters), that’s important as hell AND clear as…but simple maths…21 + 20 + 47 + 43 = takes me over the shitting 100 character limit.  So out of THIS I have to decide what I am happy not to communicate to the men of Fumble…

Don’t worry, with a bit **less?** imagination and total bloody frustration, I manage to reduce it basically to nothing whilst still getting the message across by plumping for this:

‘I’d like a man’s-man with a great sense-of-humour…an honest, decent soul-mate…who’s had the snip’.

….and I’ve got four characters to spare, so I add a space and three kisses ‘( xxx)’, don’t want it to look like I couldn’t even think of enough ‘About Me’ to fill the allotted 100 characters.

And THAT is basically my ‘About Me’.  Done!  Who knew a sentence totaling 100 characters could take almost two hours to write...


A QUICK INVITE EXTENDED TO MY FAVOURITE BLOGGER

Dear Favourite Blogger of Mine:  you know who you are BUT...**hint: choo choo**, **another hint: Pecans**, **a final hint: Bud-pooch**.  Please let me know if you could do better at writing an ‘About [You] Me’ in only 100 bloody characters.  It’s hard!  Come on…entertain me for a few minutes…give it a go and let me know in the comments. You write better than me…and you’re cleverer…and funnier…your ‘About Me’ would have kicked my ‘About Me’s arse – so I would like to hear it please...  


FUMBLING AROUND WITH THE REST OF MY BIO

I answer details about my height (yep), star sign (obviously very *cough – not* important), level of education (???), whether I want pets or not (ok, let’s go along with this)…although flippin’ hell, couldn’t Fumble have just given me a few more characters instead so that I could write a bit more ‘About Me’ content, so that people would actually y’know, get to know about important, relevant 'ME' stuff. 

Talking important **ir**relevant stuff, I’m then invited to choose to answer some further optional, additional questions Fumble suggests that I may feel so inclined to give answers to, designed to apparently give these boyos a real insight into ME and how I set myself apart from allllll the rest!  OK…LET'S GET CRACKING...

I choose to answer:

·         ‘Sea or Mountains?’ - [Sea],

·         It starts the sentence ‘I quote too much from…’ - [Withnail and I; bloody classic],

·         …And ‘Left or Right?’ [I go with my instinct here, as I don’t know whether I’m being asked about my political allegiance or directionally speaking whether I prefer ‘taking a left’ to ‘taking a right’…and I choose ‘left’ just in case it’s a political thing].

…by the end of question three I’m feeling really ‘dumbed down’.  I’m quoting Withnail OUT LOUD now that it’s on my mind ‘…I feel like a pig shat in my head…’ and I’ve ‘…gone on Fumble by mistake’…just goes to prove there’s a couple of quotes in that genius film for every WTF? occasion.   *Full Credit to Bruce Robinson and the genius of Richard E. Grant...and everyone else involved*.

I don’t want to lose my confidence or numb my mind too much, so I leave it there…my Bio is not Shakespeare or Bruce Robinson, but it is complete.

Now…bring on the ladsssss…


MORE FUMBLING RULES

….Oh…but first…Fumble wants to set down more rules; making shit up as it goes along I think…at this stage the rules aren’t massively clear to me but I think(?) they go something like this…

·       As the ‘lady’ when I see a Fumbler’s profile I like the look of I say ‘yes’ to him in the form of a ‘swipe’.  Direction: right, otherwise it’s left for the bin...there's no swipe-option for 'hmmm, maybe, can I have a think and come back later';

·       The male Fumbler on the receiving end of my positive-direction-ed swipe should (hopefully) have already swiped right for me which I would never have known about had I not swiped right for him [unless I pay for an upgraded membership – which I’m NOT doing]…which is just time wasting and stupid, because I’d probably be more inclined to check him out if I knew he was bloody interested…but anyway…Fumble’s App so Fumble’s rules;

·       If I don’t swipe in the ‘right’ direction for him I’ll never get to know he was interested in me, and,

·       If he doesn’t swipe me right I don’t get messaging privileges with him, 

·       So only if we both swipe in the ‘right’ direction for each other based on pictures and 100 characters of nothing will I then be granted CHASING…sorry…’CHATTING’ rights so that,

·       ‘I’ as the ‘lady’ can start the CHASING…sorry…’CH-ONVERSATION’ process forthwith…and,

·       I have to CHASE…sorry…’CHAT’ fast…because the clock is ticking…I have to think of something so say to the male fumbler who up til this point has done pretty much sweet FA, if we even get to know about each-others’ existence, within 24 hours, otherwise we’ve lost each other for good.  And that’s all on my shoulders, because I’m the ‘woman’ in this shitty situation…positive discrimination my arse...I don't feel empowered but I do feel...


A FUMING FUMBLING RANT

...oh my god…I feel pressured…I don’t like doing the chasing cause it feels VERY desperate when I'm dishing it out but chivalrous when a man puts it on me, and everything is therefore on its head.  I don’t know how to do this or actually what I’m doing…. 

That’s because, dear entitled man who invented Fumble, the man should be doing THIS part – the pursuing part…I want to be all feminine and mysterious but I’m having to be all masculine and up front and it doesn’t feel right…and I’m not looking for a man who is all feminine and mysterious in return for being manly and upfront because I’m attracted to man’s-man type of men, y’know, masculine energy, which I did specify in my Bio for reasons I now don’t see the point in…

…cause there’s obviously not much call for man’s-man men on this site where men are MEN and expected to take the bloody lead; in fact they are actively emasculated – punished if they dare to want to do what the type I want are naturally inclined to do…which is initiate; they are barred from doing so…this is sooooo weird….and I wasted 21 characters in my Bio by specifying my desire for a man’s-man, when I could have just said ‘ENTITLED-DO NOT APPLY’ [spot on 21 characters, damn]…although I fear I’d never get shown any interest with that!  It’s going to be a kind of conversation non-starter on this site.  

Not only have I got to get my head round this upside down way of dating, I’ve got to swipe too.  And I need to damn well learn the art of swiping Ay.Ess.Ay.Pee.  I need to get my left swipe sorted from my right. 


THE FUMBLING INTERPRETATION OF 'LEFT OR RIGHT?' MAKES SENSE NOW

Ahhhh, now the ‘left or right’ preference question I was asked to answer near the beginning of THIS process is starting to make sense to me…Fumble wasn’t asking if I align myself with bloody Farage or whoever the leader of The Green Party is or whether I prefer to exit a building and advance ‘left’ or ‘right’ - that was too complex for Fumble - it was asking me to tell the Fumble community whether I prefer ‘swiping’ left or right…well that’s going to depend on what’s on offer stupid Fumble – don’t try and Fumble me.  I’m going to stick with ‘Left for ‘liberal’’, ‘Left for ‘turning left’’ and ‘Left for ‘not interested’’ for the time being. 


COMMENTS INVITED…

Comment below, if you like, and especially if you’ve got a better way of selling yourself than I did in 100 characters or [two] less.  You can’t go over and spaces/punctuation count as characters…and I’m being as anal about this requirement with you as Fumble was with me, so I’m going to be counting every one of the characters of any ideas you send me…and if you go over by so much as one character you’re not a contender and your comment will be DELETED…!!!!! 

Come on my bestie.  Come on my favourite blogger assuming you’re reading this drivel…put your latte down in St Petersburg and get commenting…!  

Come on everyone…have a go…!

***Third installment of ‘Fumble My Dating Experience…You Can’t Fumble The Swipe’…coming soon to a blog near you…well, erm to THIS blog actually…soon…***.


TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY




6 comments:

  1. Another great post as always! Loved the About Me part! It's funny and I really enjoy your writing style :)

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  2. Thank you so much...and grateful for your support as always!

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  3. I don't know about those dating apps and all the swiping. I tried it out, and it looks so superficial for me. I got some matches in the past, but somehow it always felt like a scam. I heard great stories about it though, but the most are about one night stands. For real now, did you expected this 5-10 years ago? That you could find dates with just a swipe. If I told you 10 years ago that you would step into strangers their cars to get to your destination, you would declare me crazy lol. So, what is your vision for future dating? something with holograms, or VR? Anyhow, I'm going to check your blog out, I had a breakup 3 years ago, and I'm still not over it.

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  4. Thank you for your comment. I’m absolutely horrified by this dating app thing to be honest. It’s a shock to the system! I don’t want to date like this AT ALL. Still not over your breakup...you’ve come to the right place...all tough love here. Hope you’re ok...you’ll be fine.

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