Tuesday, 9 April 2019


OK guys and gals...I'm 95% certain that...

...my time on Fumble is coming to an end very soon…and to my credit, I've lasted a whole 10 or so days without requiring medical intervention…and it’s just really not for me…and it’s stressing me out and messing with my head a weeee bit.  So after Naz (read about that HERE), Fumble was really offended by how I treated one of its finest.  

So this is what Fumble started to throw at me and then I think you’ll understand why I rate Fumble an 'experimental flop’…

1).  The One Who Extended His 'Time' For Me

This made me feel terrible…well 'terrible' is probably a little strong but I did feel a tiny, tiny bit bad; for a second.  I was innocently swiping away and I was just repelled by this man’s profile… absolutely repelled.   His Bio was equivalent to…

I mean…WHAT A LIBERTY – the entitlement seeping through that! 

And if he meant it as a joke…well, yeah…not funny. 

And his profile pic just added insult to injury…cause he was holding a sign up against his chest saying ‘ALL YOURS; FOR A FEE’, which is not only just ‘urghhhh’, but also a cheat’s way of getting an additional 20 ‘About Me’ characters to play with.  Clever thinking…but with a bit less entitlement, he could have used those characters to create attraction rather than reinforce disgust! 

But in my haste to get him OFF MY SCREEN I swiped right.  I mean, I actually swiped UP (North) in my defence, but where there is any question mark over the direction of your swipe, Fumble always assumes you want to marry the pictured Fumbler.  You have to be very clear when you’re swiping left, cause if Fumble isn’t sure it will lean towards ‘no room for indecision or lazy swiping here…so we’ll interpret that as a ‘right swipe’…you know you want to chase him…go on now, imitate a dog being thrown a bone **chase it**.

Now, this was the first time I made an error of this kind.  So…I was a bit like…’oh crap, crap, crap…’.  And YES…of course…sod’s law, he had already swiped right for me…so ‘DOOM’ we were a ***very not going to happen in a million years*** match.

I put Fumble away but I immediately got a notification telling me he’d extended the auction time.  He’d IMMEDIATELY and without even leaving it until the 23rd second, let alone the 23rd hour, extended the time I had to bid for him to 48 hours rather than the standard 24.

Then Fumble told me this was his ‘one time’ opportunity to be able to take this extension action – he used up (**wasted**) his ‘one time only extra bit of turbo’ on ME.  So then I’m back into this thought process… ‘you’ve got no chance here…but do I message you to tell you THAT or just ignore you…?’  So I weighed up the ‘pros’ and the ‘cons’…

The Pros:

The Cons:      waste of my time, contact initiated, he might think I ‘like him really’, he might think ‘I’m attention seeking’, he might ‘think I’m playing hard to get’, ‘he might try in any event to engage with me’, he might say something that I just can’t let go and have to ‘have my say’, he might think I’m bowled over by his Bio; he might think I’m willing to pay handsomely for him and I don’t think he’s going to have many takers.

So the Cons won…and I’m sorry if you were decent whoever you are, where perhaps your only fault is a questionable sense of humour BUT…what you put in your Bio and pinned against your chest, hun, gave me a kneejerk reaction which caused my finger to swipe before my brain caught up and hence I swiped North or arguably fractionally North-East rather than a solid, definite West and then Fumble intervened and the rest is history and you wasted your turbo.

But as indicated in Instalment Five of this ‘Fumble Adventure’…Fumble was ‘on one’ after I deleted ‘Naz’…SOOO Fumble was against me and the experience got worse…

2)  The Dafties And The Beginning of the Entitled

So after this honest mistake and for failing to engage after I’d swiped **North** right, Fumble became just intent on hooking me up with one of the dafties wearing a tutu and the one with Christmas tree decorations in his thick mop of hair…but I wasn’t having ANY of it. 

So Fumble decides to take ULTIMATE revenge on me by introducing some of its Entitled catalogue. 


For example, the one who in his Bio has indicated that relationship/hook up-wise he ‘doesn’t know what he is looking for...yet’…but the question he chose to randomly  select to answer put to him by Fumble, just so that he can show a bit more about what he’s about is this…

‘We’re gonna definitely hit it off if…’

He could have answered… ‘if we make each other laugh…’ or ‘…if the chemistry is right’ but he went with…HIS ANSWER…

‘…ya give me ya PIN so I can spend all ya money’.

I’ve swiped him right – not because I like him or because I’m so smitten that of course he can have my banking details…HELL NO – because, ya, I want to challenge him.  Of course he knows what he wants…he wants an easily manipulated soul to ‘embrace’ into his harem of delusional gfs and exes to throw breadcrumbs to in exchange for money, favours, sex, beer that comes with NOT AN OUNCE OF COMMITMENT SHIT – IRRITATED….!

I’ve got everything I want to say to him ready in my head, I’m gonna give him both barrels…BUT…he hasn’t swiped right for me…I feel strangely insulted – is my PIN number not good enough for this Entitled arse, is my bank balance ‘below par’?…so I don’t have messaging privileges with this ‘CATCH’ - grrrrrrrrr – how frussssstrayyyyting.  I’m praying for the first time ever in my life…‘God please let him swipe right for me and I’m going to tell him what he can do with my PIN number’.  But he didn’t, his guardian angel had its wits about it today, cause if he’d swiped me right I’d have swiped him off the face of the earth.   So my anger was brewing and it was only a matter of time before it was going to be unleashed.

3).  Having a Flick Through

Next up…

I flick through more profiles where there seems to be a bit of a reoccurring theme going on…one where there is no ‘About Me’ info, just a name, age and distance and one photo - standard. 

But in the photo it is not them that stands before me...instead THEIR PROFILE PICTRE is, I assume: THEIR(?) dog, THEIR(?) parents, THEIR(?) wife and  THEIR(?) children, THEIR(?) car, THEIR(?) bicep, THEIR(?) groin area, THEIR(?) naked lower torso, the back of THEIR(?) head, THEIR(?) bed, THEIR(?) garden, THEIR(?) motorbike, THEIR(?) hamster, THEIR(?) favourite mug... 

…but just no trace of their face?


…during the sign-up process I tried to upload a perfectly clear picture of only ME…clearly ME…ME on my own with ME and of ME and MY head and Fumble told me to ‘do one’….it was having none of ME or my photo…and if you recall, as I do…because it took up quite a few hours of my day…I had to get myself spruced up and take another picture for uploading purposes. 

So how have these lot got away with uploading a profile picture of their(?) budgie or their(?) budgie smugglers?  This is NOT fair…and I want to right swipe them all so that I can ask each one of them just how they have got away with it and what they are hoping to achieve from giving no information to perspective chasers accompanied by a photo of their grandfather as their profile picture.

Is this another one rule for the men whilst us women are being encouraged to chase and another for those on the receiving end of all of the adoration that’s being distributed to the male Fumblers?  

Or are there faceless and upper-body-less men out there but I’ve just never noticed them before and this is the reason why their profile is not of their face? 

So all along, I’ve been naively thinking that the photograph I took below was of an imaginative sculpture when it was actually a portrait…? 


4).  The Start (and End) of a Short Distance-Long Distance Thing

I swipe right for ‘Tom’, five miles away because he’s riding a beautiful horse.  So really, it’s more about the horse than him…but he seems ‘meh’ enough…bangs on a bit in his Bio about his horse being his ‘world’ and how expensive his horse is…blah blah.  He’s local and I can get a bit of a conversation going cause he’s expressed an interest in SOMETHING I haven’t been interested in for a couple of decades, at least…

…he’s swiped right for me already, so I start a convo going about…the horse.  But still I’m struggling here.  Just not getting much to banter with back…boring really…‘how do you do?’, ‘do you have a horse as well…?’ type stuff.  But then even this turns a bit weird. 

He says ’…you do know I live in Horseville don’t you?’  Which is actually 300 miles away from me!  Well no actually, I don’t because in your Bio it states that you live in Poniesville which is 6 miles away from me.  So I put THAT to him…and he says, ‘…well I live in Horseville but I travel and do business in Poniesville three or four times per week’.  So I say, ‘oh…well that’s not a problem…’ and he says ‘…so you’re happy to travel that distance to see me?’ 

And I think…’steady on mate…we’re not at relationship stage yet…’ but say, ‘…well, you travel here three to four times a week, so I can’t see this presenting too much of an obstacle AT THIS STAGE’ and he says ‘…yeah, but I wouldn’t be able to meet up with you when I’m in Poniesville because I’ve got my lad to get back to in Horseville, so you’d have to travel to Horseville if you wanted to see me…’‘Oh…’ I say, ‘you’ve got custody of your son have you?’  

He says ‘No…I don’t have children –I mean Thomason, my horse; my lad’.  So he’s telling me he travels near me to Poniesville regularly, but can’t see me in Poniesville, so I have to travel 300 miles to him in Horseville where I don’t travel to and have never travelled to in my entire life?

So that was the end of that ‘relationship’ – and he was boring me anyway – as if I’m driving 300 miles to watch him ride his horse, groom his horse, show his horse, shovel his horse’s shit…cause I’m guessing THIS is what he wants...someone to shovel his horse’s shit for him so that it frees up more of his time to do the fun bits.  He wanted someone to watch him devote himself to his lad and shovel shit for him.  Deleted. 

WTF?  Why present yourself as living in Poniesville when you live in Horseville and can’t date outside of Horseville because your priority is your four legged lad which is not stabled in Poniesville.  Flippin’ hell.  NEXT…

5).  The Luck of the Irish

This ONE was just un-effin’-believable.  He hadn’t written anything in his Bio – I’m guessing he can’t hold a pen, let alone write.  Sorry but that’s the aura he gave off.  He’d managed to insert his nickname in the Bio or else got someone else to do this for him – a ‘typical’ Irish nickname; the first that comes into your head will be the correct one…and he was ten miles away…bordering on a ‘little too close for comfort…’ but anyway, his profile picture was THIS

**now I can’t obviously post a screenshot of his actual picture (for 'personal security' reasons), so I’ve quickly ‘drawn’ a portrait of him, so you get the, a’hem, picture…(I’m not good at drawing, but I’ve tried to illustrate what I saw as best as possible without taking up too much more of my time on him)**:  

*** WHO?
  WHOOOOO?  What kind of person signs up to any kind of dating-type forum and thinks… 

‘…hmmmm, I haven’t got a ‘decent’ picture that really does me justice for my profile.  So next time I’ve been knifed in the head…when I get to hospital and I’ve had the right side of my face sewn back together and I’ve got a very **un**attractive black eye developing I’ll ask the overworked, kind A & E nurse to take a little ‘ole snap of me.  It’s ok if I’m still in an allocated NHS gown, cause THIS all the more authenticates that I’ve just survived having my face sliced and punched up. 

I’ll get that stressed out nurse to take a piccie of me knifed up, stitched up and sitting up in a hospital gown all ‘…look at me, all hard, just been knifed and bopped in the face, but still thinking about pulling chicks’ and I’ll then use that as my dating app profile picture’ cause that’s going to make the entire female Fumble population gush in awe!’

I mean…what is the message? 

…and NO, I wasn’t minded to swipe right to ask him and he hadn’t got his Probation Officer to write one in his Bio for him either, so potential suitors have got to go by his (nick)name and his bloodied, just stitched up noggin. 

I don’t know what kind of person he is trying to attract.  He’d clearly been slashed open, he’d clearly been patched up like a patchwork quilt (…the needlework was neat and tidy credit to the NHS), he clearly had a blue-turning-black-eye and he was clearly still in his hospital gown. 

Are us potential suitors meant to think… ‘wow, what an exciting date I’d have with this one…’  ‘…and, what amazingly great company he keeps…’, ‘…I bet he’d treat me like a princess and I’d never have to worry about what he’s up to…’.  And if he’s trying to give it the ‘hard man’…that’s failed, cause whoever was holding the blade that day…well, they had a head start.

I was telling my friend about this Fumble experience I am having only yesterday…and I could tell she was looking at me thinking, naaaa it can’t be as bad as you’re making out – you’re sooooo negative, you’re so ‘glass half empty’.  I was ready for it.  I whipped my phone out quick as a flash, gave her a quick ‘sit down…before you fall down’ warning and I showed her the screenshot of THAT particular Fumbler.  I’d screenshot it as proof that I am not exaggerating or making any of this shit up.  That closed down the ‘it can’t be as bad as you’re making out’ conversation, because THAT profile picture pretty much sums up the whole Fumble process; ‘stitched up’.

And the final one I’m going to tell you about…well…I think that Fumble might be in the process of barring me over this little gem.  I might have been reported for this…and I don’t care.  In fact, I hope I have been.  The kudos I’d give myself if I got kicked off a dating app for THIS…I’d give myself a high-five and a bottle of Champagne (spelt Shampain by one Fumbler and used in the context of ‘my favourite drink is Shampain – I drink it on holiday in Tenerife where it is made’).

So all of the above happened over the course of a couple of days and I was just getting more and more irritated.

AND THEN THIS ONE CAME ALONG…the poor unsuspecting Entitled half-wit that he totally is…

I’ve given him a post all to himself…cause…he deserves it…please look out for my next instalment (which is number: 8)...

In the meantime, have you got any dating app horror stories to tell?...

If you have, go on...share below....



  1. Lol! I don't know what to write! I loved how you left the 'pros' blank in pros and cons! :p Funny as always... I've mentioned this before and will do it again, I love your writing style, keep up the good work :)

  2. Thank you so much! You don’t know what to write and I don’t know what to think anymore!!!


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