Thursday, 4 April 2019

INSTALMENT FIVE - WHEN I (ever so briefly) FUMBLED WITH NAZ





[This is the fifth installment of 'not many left to come' in the Fumble edition.  Let's continue on from Instalment Number Four, linked HERE].

So yep…I right swiped for ‘willing to find out more about Naz, I suppose…’ and then ‘DOOM’ he’d already right swiped me.  We are apparently a ‘match’…yeah…well I’ll be the judge of that.  And Fumble tells me I can start chasing Naz now…and I’m on limited time to do this otherwise I’m not going to be able to catch him…EVER. 

I start scratching my head…I mean…I know his name…sort of?  Although what is ‘Naz’ actually short for?  Nazerie?  Or…Nazri?  Or…Oh God…no…this is going to get me in trouble if I go on – I’m not giving that anymore thought.  We’ll just pretend that his parents couldn't be arsed to think of a proper name for him when he was born so just pulled three random letters out of the air and lolloped on down to the Registry Office with them.

And I know he lives near.  And I know he’s uploaded a photo.  And I know his age.  But what I don’t know is how to start a conversation with someone who has only given me THAT.  I mean I could start the convo with ‘Hi Naz…who or what are YOU named after…?’ **yawn** but that’s really flippin’ boring and I feel I need to chase hard to make myself stand out from all the other ‘Hi Naz, how are you?’ chasers even though if that's the kind of convo openers he's getting then that’s his own fault for not giving us all a little bit more to work with by at least completing the sodding ‘About Me’ 100 character Bio-section.   I mean I DID IT FOR TWO HOURS…why couldn’t he?

I have another look at his profile hoping to think up an inspirational question to put to him.  And I realise, I’m at fault here.  I missed a part of his profile.  He’s answered one of those stupid question/statements designed by Fumble that you can answer/comment on if you feel so inclined.

The statement he’s chosen to comment on is this:

‘I’m telling two truths and a big fat fib’

Ohhhh maaan.  Fumble is encouraging people to lie…at this early stage…at the introduction stage?  Given that Fumble is encouraging unhealthy relationship dynamic (by MAKING women chase men) shouldn’t it try to compensate by encouraging healthy (?!) exchanges which start with full honesty rather than asking for Fumblers to give two parts truth and one part lie?  That’s 33% lies Fumblers are being invited to tell to prospective partners; on top of woman chase man…

So his two truths and a big fat fib are written as follows…

  • 1)     I scarpered without paying a prostitute for sex in Amsterdam. 
  • 2)     I’ve had a foursome with three women. 
  • 3)     String attended my wedding and sang ‘Every Time You Blink…’ whilst my wife and I enjoyed our first dance.

HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS? 

No way would I have started chasing THIS if I’d seen THAT cause there’s three things I can take away from the truths and lie he has told there…

  • 1)     Pleasure thief (and fucking entitled).
  • 2)     Gross (and fucking entitled).
  • 3)     Either married or still hung up on his Ex (so, cheat/entitled or emotionally unavailable AND ‘odd’ for that matter as why would anyone choose a song about stalking to be played for their first dance as husband and wife?).

I’m a bit intrigued??  A bit committed to getting to the bottom of which of this horror is the lie??  I must be feeling a bit macabre tonight.  So before I delete him which I know is going to be the ultimate outcome of this little tete-a-tete, I message him:

‘Well Naz…I’m going to bet that you’re fibbing about String serenading you and your wife on what should have been the best day of your life!  Hi by the way…I’m…’ horrified…and I wanted to carry on with was ‘cause clearly your moral compass is as fucked as that prostitute you may or may not have lied about robbing cause you’ve either taken a service without paying for it or you’ve participated in an orgy; neither of which make me think I’d  enjoy getting to know you any more than I already have.   But I didn’t.

Ohhhhh, he’s engaging…why did I start this?  I can tell he’s typing… 

‘Hi…’ he says…standard.
‘Nice to hear from you…’, well yeah, after what I’ve just read, isn’t it just – revel in it, cause it’s not going to go on for much longer.
‘I’ve got proof of the ones I’m not lying about…want to see?’

Fuck.  Fuck.  FUCKKKKKKK.  Is it me?  Have I missed something?  Have I really just been asked THAT question?  How did THIS happen?  How did it get to THIS?  I’ve been tricked into CHASING somebody who wants to prove to me that he’s robbed a prostitute and/or engaged in an orgy and/or had a smoochy loved up first dance with his just been made ‘wife’…and I’m betting that if the wedding dance thing is true then so is the ‘prostitute scenario’ and I’m also betting his ‘wife’ wasn’t told about Amsterdam on what, no doubt, was his stag do…I’m surmising and assuming…sorry…let the ‘man’ speak…

Obviously there’s a big pause in conversation here, cause I’m just trying to process what’s going on…Is this normal?  Is this what Fumblers are happy to share with each other at introduction stage? – is this how Fumblers woo each other?  I don’t even know his full name...I don’t think...but he’s happy to share his sex Vlogs and wedding footage with me?  And in THIS situation I don’t know what is worse?

‘Hang on…’ he continues – does my silence make him think I’m interested in finding out any more about him?  He continues...
  



...OHHHH…right, he’s committed to proving to me that he has proof that he’s no liar where two parts truth is concerned.  What a decent, honest (potential thief) soul he is…

I’m just staring at my phone…honestly just staring, my nose and top lip is all crinkled up, like ‘what a dickhead’.  But also ‘eh?  Has my phone taken on a mind of its own and had a mechanical trauma and it's just randomly typing its own shit’.  I’m trying to think if I dropped my phone on its head or down the toilet and its swallowed some toilet water today or in the last few days and gone a bit mad, like when humans drink sea water…or is THIS an actual MAN on a DATING APP trying to win ME over **translates get ME to continue CHASING HIM**.

Yeah, it’s a man…here he comes with the wedding footage (thank god…it could have been a hella lot worse) and yep…there he is with a meringue-d up wifey and they are all slow dancing and kissing with String clearly singing in the background.

So ignoring the happy couple in the foreground, I’m quite happy listening to a bit of String in the background giving a live otherwise un-broadcasted version of a classic.  You know the words…

‘Every time you blink
Every hour you drink
Every date you’re late
Everything you think
I’ll be stalking you’…

Yeah, I know…this version is lame…but String is a songwriter and I am not…but you’re humming along with me now…

The footage and music abruptly stops - I was enjoying that welcome interlude from trying to think of responses to give to THIS person…oh god…he’s typing…THIS

‘…and now for proof of the second truth I’ve told…’.

Naaaaaaaa, not having that my dude...

DELETED

…cause how insane?…and how completely inappropriate?…and totally just revolting!…and what AM I DOING HERE again?  Does he think any of this is appealing?  He’s CLEARLY been married or possibly IS STILL married, so he must have a bit of a clue about what attracts women to men…he’s managed that at least once before today, he proved that by sharing footage from his wedding…I mean he’s not from some alien planet where women are attracted to men by watching them marry other women and have sex with a room full of other people or essentially mug prostitutes.  IS HE???  What’s going ONNNN?  Am I in a parallel universe?

That was it for the night.  I closed Fumble down.  I needed Fumble to have a re-think about the kind of men it wanted to introduce to me and MAKE me CHASE after…

...but when I reopened Fumble the following day it came straight back at me…it hit me with a vengeance - FUMBLE WAS NOT MESSING AROUND.   Fumble doesn’t like being told it’s Fumblers are a disgrace…so it tried to teach me a lesson…


***DISCLAIMER - THIS A'INT ABOUT ANYONE CALLED 'NAZ' - I'VE CHANGED YOUR NAME...YOUR IDENTITY (THE LITTLE I KNOW OF IT) IS ALL PROTECTED SHOULD YOU BE READING...AND CONCERNED THE WIFE MIGHT FIND OUT ABOUT AMSTERDAM...OR THE ORGY...***

…coming soon…next instalment of this shit-show and then I think Fumble can pretty much go Fumble itself. 


6 comments:

  1. Not sure if it was intended but this made me laugh and also a bit embarrassed at my so called fellow man.

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  2. ....you should be embarrassed for them! Absolutely shocking behaviour!!! Thanks for reading and commenting!!

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  3. OMG! Is he for real?? I cannot believe it. Although, you did make me laugh with the way you write, so entertaining. I'm sorry you had to endure that though. How totally inappropriate!

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    1. Couldn't make it up!!! I'm glad it made you laugh...I chuckled too at his expense...so there is that! Thank you for reading and commenting.

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  4. I'd not heard of Fumble before, is this what passes as entertainment these days or is it a legitimate way to meet a new partner? Really, sounds like a big waste of time!

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    1. I might have fiddled with the name a bit! It’s legit...but totally shocking!!

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