Thursday, 11 April 2019

INSTALMENT SEVEN - LET'S FUMBLE WITH 'MARK' AND HAVE A LARK

[Continuing onward from Instalment 6 of this Fumble-dating 'fun', which is linked HERE].

If I do have a ‘type’, which looks-wise I don’t, then HE, 'Mark', WOULD ‘NOT’ BE ‘IT’.  

He’d given his age, name and an ‘About Me’…yep…I’ll give him that.  He’d filled out all of the information he wanted us potential-match lady-Fumblers to swoon over that he could cram within the allocated 100 characters, which was a refreshing change…until I actually, y’know…read what he’d written!

Because what he did share about his 'wants' and 'needs' was flippin’ outrageous.  ‘Mark’ knew exactly what he was looking for…


His ‘About Me’ told me all I needed to know about this reptile and more...:






Spot on 100 characters – he sold himself alright…'up-the-river'

…his profile picture was of him with his arm around a poor lady the one that I assume to be his ‘wife’, only her face was sharpied out, much like her 'existence' for a large part of 'Mark's' working week.  

I’ve had the post-it notes out again and ‘sketched’ what I saw to the extent of my lack of artistic ability allows, as so…




WELLLLLLL…OF ALL OF THE ENTITLED-NESS I’VE EVER READ AND SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 

This ‘specimen of Entitled-ness’:

·                Is a grown ass man.
·                Has got a job – that he hasn’t budgeted for.
·                Has come on a dating app because he doesn’t want to date.
·                Is already taken – he’s already MARRIED.
·                Is clearly punching...because he has a wife that I guarantee is way better than him.
·                Wants regular weekday sex…just not with his wife, thanks.
·                Wants non-committal sexy-fun with one of us lot.
·                Wants us to chase him for THAT through this messed up app.
·                Wants it for free.
·                Is additionally seeking free accommodation, heating, lighting, access to clean water, slippers, dressing gown and most likely a pipe thrown in.
·                Is going to want privacy so that he can call his wife every night to moan about the crappy one star dump of accommodation he’s been forced to 'fend for himself' in.
·                Wants a space in one of a female-Fumbler's beds at least four nights per week.
·                Probably wants dinner, supper, breakfast and a packed lunch too.
·                Wants the benefits of a relationship AND MORE without that pain in the arse 'commitment-thing'.
·                Is going to go home to his WIFE from at least Friday to Monday.
·                Can’t spell ‘I’m’ – ‘om’ is not a word…we aren't meditating 'MARK'.


But hell…we should forgive all of these ‘shortcomings’ he’s managed to flag up in, LOL, 100 characters and a picture, because…he’s honest about the realms, breadth and width of his flippin’ great big entitled self, although not so honest when he lied his way through his wedding vows.

WHAAAAT AN IMPRESSIVE EGO HE HAS…Cool…the bigger the ego the harder the fall.

Ohhhhh, yes!  This useless lump of doggy doo has swiped right for me…thank you sweet Jesus.

Conversation ON

‘Hi Mark…are you at home or… **winky face emoji** NEARBY?’

Him: (IMMEDIATELY ON THIS LIKE THE EAGER BEAVER I ANTICIPATED HE WOULD BE) ‘…Hi to you…I’m not home, so should be **winky face emoji** NEARBY’.

‘Great…I’ve read your Bio’.

Him:  ‘LOL…I finish work at 6.00 – do you want to show me your digs…and that…I like your pic which is a massive bone-A’!  Took me a few minutes to get that he was attempting a terribly lame play-on-words ‘bonus’ and bleurgh…’something else’ I don’t want to think about.

‘Ahhhh, sorry Mark…I’m not about this evening…what a pity, cause I like yours too’,  I lied.

Him:  ‘That’s not ideal, but how about tomorrow…fancy buying me a drink to make up for not being available tonight?  And then back to yours?  Do you have an en-suite?'.

‘Ooooh, OK, that sounds REALLLLLY, great 'Mark'…I’ve just got some bits and pieces to do and then you’ll be needing that drink whilst you look through your divorce papers’.

Him:  ‘What??’

‘Yes, I do have an en-suite…thanks...  I was at your wedding.  You obvs don’t remember me; I’m the daughter of your mother-in-law’s close friend.  Absolute coincidence, but I’m with your mother-in-law now…she says to say ‘Hi you absolute…’ooops…she called you a rude word, I can’t repeat that…but it has five letters and rhymes with ‘Dick’.  

Enjoy your weekend in the marital home after what I'm sure is going to be a hard weeks graft…and don’t despair, with the qualities you possess I’m sure you’ll find another lady to wife-up in the not too distant future.  

Lovely chatting with you 'Mark', you absolute gent-of-a-man’.


And the jobs a good ‘un…

He deleted the conversation and ME quicker than I can say ‘Just pulling your bone-A’…and he HAS to give a reason to Fumble for deleting our conversation…his options are: 


'Dear Valued Male Fumbler...did we Fumble up there...was that match not up to scratch?

·        Mark do you feel abused; would you like to Report Abuse?

·        Mark do you feel offended, would you like to Report Offensive Behaviour?

·        Mark was that interaction obscene, would you like to Report Obscene Behaviour?

·        Or Mark, are you just ‘Hell no, not interested’?
 
Valued Male Fumbler your honest feedback is important to us so that we can take 'appropriate action' or otherwise make better suggestions that meet your dating requirements and approval'.


Let’s see if he’s reported me for one of those first three reasons.  Because I should have reported HIM for ALL FOUR REASONS (only Fumble didn't invite me to have my say) and for giving me high-blood pressure.  

Let’s see if this entitled 'man' who wants to be chased around MY town by a stranger he's looking to take free sex, free board and free lodgings from whilst married manages to convince Fumble that I, who is here looking for a like-minded, genuine and UNATTACHED somebody, should be barred from the delights of Fumble…

Wonder if it’s the mandatory 24 hours to wait until Fumble strikes up a ‘You’re Barred’ conversation with me, the ‘lady’…although...initiating conversation with a female?  Wouldn't that be Fumble breaking its own stupid rules?    


If anybody wants to suggest a dating app I should TRY…let me know…I’ll have a loookie and give it some consideration and if I do take the leap of 'faith' then I’ll sign up, take me chances and review it for you all. 

The ONLY one I’m not up for is ‘Hinder’ – don’t want to be murdered all for the sake of a blog; so kindly leave that one out purrrrlease…and I thank you kindly.


*****DISCLAIMER – HIS NAME’S NOT MARK, BTW…
…IT’S RUSS…
HAHA, NOT REALLY…

…OM JUST MESSING'*****

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY


6 comments:

  1. Brilliant! Men who do this are complete knobs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah well, I totally agree. If they act like knobs they’re gonna get screwed! That’s my philosophy!

      Delete
  2. Hahah! "Do you have an ensuite?". Hahahah. It really does sound like he was browsing hotels. I'd be fascinated to know if he got any takers, and simultaneously concerned for the mental state of anyone who did take the offer. He sounds like a person who wouldn't be able to respect or value other people. Do women really not get a chance to give feedback to the app?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't make it up...it's shocking. I bet he did get takers y'know. Some women (and men) just don't value themselves enough...those people are the ones that this app is targeting I.M.O! This app has branded itself as 'empowering for women' and it apparently cares not a jot about the damage it could be doing. I think I'm a strong minded person, but this app, because of this women pursuing men thing is an absolute mind fuck.

      Whoever deletes the conversation gets to give a reason for doing so...so as he deleted the convo he gets to give his reasons why! If I'd deleted it I would have been able to but he wouldn't!

      Delete
  3. Men just have no idea 🙈 Thank you for the giggle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no...I can't take the accolade for the hilarity in this...THAT was all Mark's doing...he's the comedian here!

      Thank you for your support as always...and the comment.

      Delete

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