Monday, 18 March 2019

VERSIONS OF NO CONTACT I HAVE RECENTLY HEARD OF OR ARE BEING ADVISED AND WHAT I THINK OF THEM!











To be clear, no contact applies to the 'recipient of a dumping' and not the 'dumper'…I’ve given my ramblings HERE on what ‘No Contact’ is and HERE on when the dumpee should initiate contact with the dumper!

So on to the versions I’ve heard about and my ramblings:



·                     THE VERSION WHERE NO CONTACT ‘STARTS LATE’ AND IS ‘SPORADIC' 

So in other words…you fucked up right from the very start and you’ve continued to fuck up in the aftermath!  Are you still fucking up now or just thinking about re-fucking up?….are you stable now or are you prone to a relapse?  I've seen this one a lot in community threads and boards. 

After the dumping the dumpee shortly thereafter contacts the dumper and an emotional/angsty exchange continues or the dumpee tries to repeatedly get an exchange going for a random period of time and includes but is not restricted to texting, calling, offering friendship, revoking friendship, tears, anger, confusion, frustration and a good amount of spiralling.  And then at last chance saloon, no contact is invoked, well sort of and for a while... 

·                     Why This Version Does Not Work…

This is generally not going to work out well even if your ex initially believed a reconciliation could be contemplated.  You've shown your ex that you are a sappy, messy emotional lump of pathetic weakness who cannot control their emotions in the minutes, hours, days, weeks and months that follow the breakup.  You are showing your ex that you don't think all that highly of yourself.  Your ex is going to think they are catch of the day and that you will always be there waiting for them with your fishing net.  You have put yourself, at best, into 'back-up plan' mode and at worst ‘never in a million years would they ever go there again’ mode.  They also know that if they need a shoulder to cry on, a fuck-buddy, a lift, fag money or any other favour they can think of, they have a lapdog – in this situation YOU are the lapdog -  YOU are a Pomeranian – YOU! 

So even if a reconciliation was ever on the cards, they don't have to do anything other than whistle for you.  Are you a sheepdog?  Is he one man and you’re his dog?  Or are they just another person and YOU are the best thing THEY ever lost?  Your choice.  If you ever want a healthy relationship with this person again, act healthily after the breakup so that if they do reach out again they will know that they have to be serious about wanting you back and act in a respectful manner.  Let them know that you won't tolerate games. 

If they realise this from your healthy reaction to the breakup then even if they've got a mere tiny pea sized brain they will know that they either reach out to you because they genuinely want you back or they leave you alone because you won't tolerate anything less than what you deserve.  If you come off crazy and desperate your ex may reach out for you in the very lamest of ways a mere 'hey' text will do it and they'll let you/expect you to take it from there.  You'll be ripe for the pickings, the 'lowest hanging fruit'. 

With regards to my latest breakup (where I was dumped), I've acted in a dignified manner.  To his credit he's acted in a dignified manner because he’s stuck to his decision and he hasn’t messed me around or given me mixed signals or false hope.  This is good.  No really, THIS IS GOOD!  If he reached out to me now I could quite safely assume that the external factors which led to the breakup have been sorted and his return indicates that he wants another chance at continuing a healthy relationship, because based on how we’ve both acted during and post-breakup no other motive would make any sense. 

If he reached out to me and said 'oh hey, nothing's changed here but fancy a hook up' he'd look like an idiot and he'd be told in no uncertain terms where he could stick his penis.  If he said ‘oh hey, nothing’s changed here but can we be friends?’  I’d say ‘can WEEEE fuck!’ as in ‘HELL to-the-no’…not y’know the other meaning…  I've set boundaries, I’m unwilling to chase after him or any other man who doesn’t want me in his life; translates: that I will not tolerate shit, and I’ve shown him this through my actions of accepting his decision and letting him be.  Through acceptance and consistent silence I've shown him that there is no confusion on my part.  Either he wants to be in my life as a partner or he doesn't want to be in my life at all.  And if he does come back he'd better show up in his best form otherwise he’s toast; if he doesn’t come back at all, C’est la vie.  If I'm wrong about this and he does contact me for a hook up or a friendship after what I've just preached I'll let you all know and I’ll try to dissect how I got it all so very wrong!


·                     THE VERSION WHERE ‘THE DUMPEE ADHERES TO NO-CONTACT FOR A SPECIFIC TIME FRAME (30 DAYS, 60 DAYS 90 DAYS, 93 AND A HALF DAYS)

This version is usually advocated by online manipulation artists trying to get money out of emotionally charged people:

This is the theory…the dumper or  the dumpee (in this version ‘whichever wants the other back’) adheres to a period of not contacting the other for a specified amount of time contingent on the manipulation artist’s choice, which is usually 30 days, sometimes 60 or 90 days.  During which time either of one of three things invariably happens: 


            Scenario One

1.                  The dumper reaches out and initiates contact with the dumpee before the pulled-out-of-the-manipulation-artist’s-arse inflexible no contact period of days is up.  The dumpee ignores the dumper because they have been told that the ‘Strict Rule’ is ‘to not communicate no matter what’ for the ‘relevant’ period otherwise their chances of getting their ex back will be scuppered. 

Why Senario One Is Just Plain Stooopid

If the ex that dumped you texts to say 'hey babe, I was angry about *^insert reason here^* and I acted irrationally.  Is it ok if I call you, I'm really sorry about how I behaved?' or any version of this type of message, i.e. if you genuinely get the feeling that the dumper wants to try again and you want the same, why would you rationally think that it is a good idea to play tactical, controlling mind games that's going to put them off and indicate to them that you are playing tactical, controlling mind games?  WHY? 

Now if they contact you with something like 'Oi!' (which did happen to me), then yes, flippin ignore that shit (as I did) until they make some sort of coherent contact (which my ex then did).  If they text something like ‘Hey, how are you doing?’, or ‘Hey, I was thinking about you!’ or ‘Hey, I miss you!’, then it’s too early to make an assessment of their intentions, so engage but with caution until you can tell if they just want to say ‘hey’ (at which point you can stop engaging) or if they are regretting their decision and want you back. 

You will need to assess this ‘RATIONALLY’ not ‘EMOTIONALLY’ yourself.  If you think they want to make amends and you want this too, then entertain it accordingly (I'll address this at some point in another post).  For the sake of some number of days, that god knows who plucked out of the air, do not ignore the dumper if you believe their reaching out is a genuine start to them wanting you back (if you still want them).  It's nasty and it's oh so pointless.  You can look at your phone with a smug grin and shout out 'GOTCHA YOU LITTLE…..'! but that's as far as it goes.


            Scenario Two

2.                  The dumpee just can’t make the 30, 60, 90 whatever days and thinks holidays/events significant to the dumper gives them a loophole to break the No Contact Contract.  So the dumpee reaches out, not getting the outcome they desired and has to start again to reach the illusive number of days they are 'supposed' to be in no contact up for. 

WHY SCENARIO TWO IS JUST OH SO WEAK…

…this is 'oh so boring' and 'oh so emotionally charged' and therefore UNATTRACTIVE WITH A CAPITAL ‘U’.  You've taken the breakup with grace (hopefully) or a spoilt brat (GRRRRRR), you've realised what you've got to do, i.e. walk away with the intention of never going back.  So why are you now going back?  Why are you breaking down and making yourself look stooopid and desperate?  Get yourself in check.  Because now you really are back to square one.  You’re delaying the healing process, you’re not working on yourself and you will NOT get a healthy relationship back any time soon.  You've indicated to your ex that you are still there (…yawn), still waiting (…boring) and y'know...a Pomeranian or sheep dog, or a mongrel mix of both. 


            Scenario Three

3.                  The dumpee is led to believe that after a magical number of days have passed they have the green light to make contact with the dumper


WHY SCENARIO THREE SUCKS…

THERE IS NO MAGICAL NUMBER OF DAYS!  NONE!  I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU’VE PAID TO SOME OF THE ‘ONLINE DATING EXPERTS’ (TRANSLATES: SCAMMERS) TO PULL A NUMBER OF DAYS OUT OF THEIR ASS OR WHAT BLOODY ‘WHAT DAY, HOUR, MINUTE AND SECOND’ WILL MY EX COME BACK QUIZ’ GENERATED BY THESE APPARENT DATING EXPERT- CUM-‘PSYCHICS’.  IT IS A TOTAL FALLACY.  

ALL MADE UP TO MANIPULATE YOU WHILST YOU’RE CRYING INTO YOUR GIN TO GET YOU TO PART WITH YOUR CASH SO THAT THEY CAN GET RICH.

NOBODY CAN GIVE YOU THE ANSWER TO 'The Are They Coming Back And When' QUESTION, YET EVERYBODY EXPECTS A REPLY TO IT - PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR IT!!!  ...and the sad thing is you'd realise this was a ridiculous question to ask if you weren't going through a bloody breakup, because you'd be thinking rationally; but at the moment you're irrational, so your purse/wallet MUST STAY IN YOUR POCKET/BAG...and PLEASE, go listen to Dating Guy's wisdom (linked below) and re-watch it every time you reach for your credit card.  


·                     THE VERSION WHERE IT’S APPLIED CORRECTLY

Briefly, cause I’ve already banged on about how this is done HERE.  So you’re dumped, out the door/put your phone down whatevs, you don’t initiate contact with them ever and in any form or follow them, or stalk them (in any shape or form, including on social media).

WHY THIS SCENARIO IS ALWAYS THE BEST SCENARIO

You appear and are dignified – this is great; you’re amazing; you're not a crazy person.  You show your ex you are unique – cause not many people appear to be pulling this scenario off too well.  You heal faster.  You are not torturing yourself but watching their every move (without you).  You have time and space to self-improve.  And if they do decide to return (which they may or may not do), you’re ready for them – ready to enter a better relationship or ready to tell them ‘no thank-you!’.  A final benefit is that you don’t end up being ‘just another crazy ex story’ – their mates love these!


CONCLUSION!

NEVER, EVER INITIATE CONTACT WITH A PERSON WHO HAS DUMPED YOU AND INDICATED THAT THEY WANT TO ‘DO LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT’.  PERIOD. 


Have ‘something’ about you and let them return when they are ready because they want to and for all the right reasons, and if you still want them then, that’s great.  Everything is healthy and as it should be and everything gets on track right from the new beginning.  And this process of the new and better beginning starts with an admittance from the dumper that they made a mistake and they do want you in their life.  Let the dumper come to you…and if they don’t go find yourself a keeper!

Let me know in the comments below what your version of 'No Contact' is, so we can have an argument....kidding!  But do comment, especially if you're 'not contacting your ex right now'...and I suppose, if you've failed, so we CAN have an argument...!

Dating Guy's link is HERE - GO WATCH!

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY



2 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Thank you for the kind comment! I’m part of the struggle so thought I’d share!!

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