…then maybe now isn’t the best time for you to consider my thoughts rationally on this topic – you are welcome to leave and come back another day; I can wait for you! I get you. I know; I’ve been there devastated and confused and not wanting to believe I’ve been dumped and feeling emotionally out of control, and unfortunately I’ve unleashed my wrath too. I’m right there at the moment with you too, all newly dumped, all single, but I’m accepting my dumping with dignity and my emotions are not controlling me.
I’ve been the dumper too – I’m sure you have also been that villain at some time in your life and if you haven’t you probably will be in the future and it does SUCK! Yes, the dumpee is not having a yippee time, likewise NEITHER IS THE DUMPER because if you are being dignified (please be dignified) the dumper is most likely having some internal self-doubt and if you haven’t taken the dumping well (…grrrrrrrr) then the dumper is being essentially harassed – but the internal doubt is now absent at least – YOU’VE seen to that!
Take a look at why you dumped your own exes or if you’ve never been the dumper, consider the reasons you might dump somebody. I think I can just quickly surmise that there are three ‘catch-all’ scenarios to cover why dumping occurs (and if you dumped for the reasons given in the third category, I sincerely hope your toes turn septic and fall off):
· You weren’t happy in the relationship anymore, it wasn’t filling your needs for whatever reason; in those weeks, days, minutes leading up to the decision you honestly believed that the relationship was never going to be right, so you decided to rip off the plaster and exit.
· There were external factors involved (moving away, pressures of life, a messy divorce, illness, trauma), things that were outside of your and your exes control that meant the relationship could not work at that moment and rather than string the other along you exited.
· You wanted to manipulate your partner into getting your own way or to provoke an ego stroke – crappy behaviour is that – bore off and take your issues elsewhere; or stay and LEARN and never repeat.
For the purpose of this post, I’m talking about the dumper who falls into the first two categories with the main emphasis on those who fall into the first category. Now, I have been on the receiving end of dumpings for reasons 1 and 2 (and 3 for that matter) and I have been the dumper in the case of reason 1 on six occasions. I have received a dumping which I took shockingly and I have been the dumper where the dumpees have acted shockingly, so I do have a bit of previous form as dumper and dumpee.
I’m going to tell you about two really bad breakups I experienced as the dumper where the dumpees took the breakup and aftermath let’s just say ‘not very well’. Now, you can read about both breakups (if you’re brave enough) or just one of them, whichever you so wish... I’m going to link them below, rather than include them in this post. I have set out in each post:
· A couple of the ‘reasons’ I decided to dump.
· What happened during the dumping.
· How I felt when I was dumping them.
· Some of the things that the dumpee did in the aftermath.
· How I felt about these aftermath ‘things’.
· Whether they got another chance with me.
· How I feel about them now, years on…
…and by the end of this it is my hope that you are going to at least understand why you must never, in front of the dumper ever, take a dumping badly yourself, why you have to exercise self-control in order to recover and heal as quickly as possible and if you want them back, potentially give yourself the best possible chance of THEM COMING BACK TO YOU. You’ve got to really try your hardest from now on not to let your emotions take over ever again in a breakup situation because trust me, from the dumper’s perspective emotional behaviour is NOT pretty;
WHY I WANT YOU TO SEE THAT THE DUMPER IS NOT NECESSARILY A ‘VILLAIN’
OK, so I assume you’ve read at least one if not both of my experiences. So you’ll know that in both of those instances I was the dumper. You know a little bit about what led to both dumpings and of course you don’t have the benefit of hearing their side of the story. The first one I didn’t have the same level of feelings he had for me. The second one, the relationship was going downhill and the type of behaviour he was exhibiting was getting more and more out of control, until THAT happened. Perhaps you agree that I was right to dump them, perhaps you think I should have tried harder to stay and work things out, perhaps you think I’m a bitch because I couldn’t muster up feelings for Ex 1 and in the case of EX 2 I’ve admitted to you that I might have still had some feelings for somebody else which appears to have been pushing this ex’s buttons.
So knowing how I felt about them, what then? Should I have stayed with them? Should I have tried harder? Tried harder to fancy somebody and have a connection which wasn’t naturally there in the first instance and in the second instance tolerate such erratic behaviour? As the dumper should I not have dumped? I was wrong to dump? You’re telling me I should have compromised my happiness for one of these two? And you’re saying that because they cried, put their emotions out there on display and ALL THAT when I dumped them that I should even more so have stayed with them? I’ve told you that I lost the remaining attraction I had for them during the dumping and in the aftermath but you’re saying that I should have forced myself to feel attraction again, because look how much they wanted to stay with me and how unfair my decision was on them?
‘But what about me?’ is my reply, because, I’m afraid, that’s who I’m looking out for, ‘ME’. Your ex was thinking about him/herself too in the dumping situation, they want out because they aren’t feeling it anymore. And if you were the dumper you would be looking out for ‘YOU’ too and so you bloody well should, because nobody else is going to...AND...
Look at your own situation and that ex who just dumped you. What should they do? They’ve said they ‘…don’t want to be with you for ^^^insert reason here^^^^ because ^^^insert reason here^^^ does not make’ them happy anymore. They aren’t ending things to be nasty to you. They are ending it because they are unhappy and in their heart they know this is not going to change right now, right away. And them being honest like this and letting you go is good for you – they aren’t giving you false hope or stringing you along – this is good. They are doing the right thing in that moment. They might re-think their decision later, but you have to let them go, at least for now. They don’t want you right now and by trying to be emotional and force them to stay and explain and re-explain their decision is going to repel and repulse and they will run out of patience and words, like I did.
So you NEED TO, HAVE TO…ABSOLUTELY. ACCEPT. THEIR. DECISION. WITH. GRACE. WITH. DIGNITY. AND. WALK. AWAY. Because as much as this hurts your feelings, their feelings are ‘valid’ too even if you think their reasoning or their timing is shit. They aren’t under any obligation to stay with you until one of you dies or you kill each other. They need to look out for their own happiness and if they aren’t happy you can’t have any expectations on them to stay. Sometimes things just don’t work out, it’s nobody’s fault. If the shoe was on the other foot and you weren’t feeling it, you’d want out too and you’d hope that they would take the dumping with dignity so that you don’t have to doubt your own sanity for wanting to get into a relationship with them in the first place.
Does this make sense to you? Do you at least see where I’m coming from? The dumper doesn’t deserve any form of THIS from YOU for exercising their civil human right of ‘free choice’, which is not being with you anymore even…sadly…EVEN…if YOU still want THEM.
Let me know if I’ve converted you in the comments below, or if I've relived those chapters in my life for no goddamn reason!
TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.