Urrrgh, this is a real bug bear of mine – it’s up there with ‘The Entitled’ and you know how I feel about THEM, but if you don’t you can read about it HERE!
Well ‘Closure Chasers’ are a joint ‘top of the list’ irritant – if you are somebody that likes a bit of the old post-breakup Closure [and let’s capitalise the word to highlight the importance Closure Chasers place on getting this from the damn Ex] I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you…but you need to sack THAT ‘way of shit thinking’ OFF, right now. Chasing exes around, whining on about ‘needing Closure’ in order for you to move the hell on with your life cannot be entertained anymore. I have to convert you…I’ll have you convinced and converted by the end of this post…stick with me…
I was a ‘Closure Chaser’ once…and by ‘once’ I don't mean for a prolonged period of time, I mean ONE TIME; JUST ONCE IN MY LIFE with JUST THE ONE EX and it damaged me as a person and I’ll tell you more about how that went later.
But…if I hadn’t have asked for, convinced myself AND believed that this ex could grant me Closure I’d be a nicer, better, happier, more trusting, more people-orientated person than I am today. When I asked him for Closure I hadn’t fully thought it through. I thought and wanted to believe that it was something that it wasn’t and I thought that I could get it from him…correction, could ONLY get it from HIM. And I was waiting for HIM to sprinkle fairy dust over the situation to conjure up ‘Closure’ for ME, so it would be all 'CLOSED'…rookie error…
…at first I thought he didn’t want to give it; then I thought he was being mean; and then I thought, in keeping with his shitty behaviour, he was continuing to be a shitty person and then I realised THIS (after SEVEN YEARS)…
I’ve also been dumped for ‘out there’ reasons too and I’ve resisted being a Closure Chaser and I’ve written about one of those experiences too, which is linked below.
The Oxford English Dictionary (which I’m taking as gospel on this) gives the meaning of ‘Closure’ in the applicable context, as being…
‘A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’
OK. Great! That’s kind of what I thought it meant, and I would think that’s pretty close to what you were expecting too, but I want you to re-read that definition again…let it sink in and don’t read on until you’ve thought what that sentence means…and in case you’re cheating…’Closure’ is ‘A FEELING. THAT AN EMOTIONAL. OR TRAUMATIC. EXPERIENCE. HAS. BEEN. RESOLVED’.
Bear that definition in mind whilst you read on…
…so, during a breakup and the aftermath, is it ‘Closure’ that you are honestly asking/ begging/ banging on and on about needing and wanting from your ex?
Is ‘Closure’ in its purest form actually the right word for what you want your ex to deliver?
Do you think that your ex in the aftermath of kicking your ass into touch with a dumping can GIVE ‘YOU’ and/or MAKE ‘YOU’ and/or goddamn HELP ‘YOU’ feel that the ‘emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’…OH MY GOD, you want me to believe THIS…:
...THE EX WHO HAS BROKEN THAT HEART OF YOURS IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FIND THE WORDS AND EXPLANATION AND REASONS AND ACTIONS NEEDED TO BRING YOU ‘YOUR CLOSURE’…TO GET YOU TO FEEL THAT THIS EMOTIONAL OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE IN THE FORM OF A DUMPING HAS BEEN RESOLVED….?! …the hell…?!?
Let us now examine this crap-crap-clap-trap-carton-of-crap-Closure-concept in more detail, and then we’ll see if you’re so excited for the ‘Closure’ conversation with your bloody ex after that…you won’t be a...urghhh...Closure Chaser for much longer, I can guarantee…
…you’re dumped because s/he doesn’t think that you want the same things in life. Your soon-to-be-ex wants to go travelling for a year and you just don’t – you vomit at the thought of getting on a plane, you’re career driven with a job in situ, or whatever. So the dumper decides that there is an irreconcilable difference RIGHT THERE. Your ex meets up with you, or calls, or texts and says something like ‘I want to travel and see the world and you projectile vomit on planes…on me actually on planes and you’ve got your career to think of. Travelling and not being vomited on is important to me right now and your aviophobia and career is important to you, so we cannot be together’. OR ‘I’m just not attracted to you anymore, and I think I’m developing feelings for somebody else’; whatever the reason….these examples, when considered in a rational mind-set are clear ‘the end’ (at least for now) type reasons, and more coherent than I usually get.
So you are heartbroken, but you accept the dumping and leave with your dignity intact… you get home/put your phone down whatevs…and then…and only THEN can you act as you would boarding a plane with your aviophobia; you plane-phobic wuss…just not in front of your ex. You cannot shiver, shake and projectile vomit in front of your ex, OK? Not sassy, NOT CLASSY… Owwww kaaaay?
Your ex has given you a perfectly good reason as to why they can’t be with you anymore. YES THEY HAVE!! They’ve explained to you that at this point in their life they want something very different from what you want. For them not to fulfill their dreams would be unfair on them and for them to ask you to await their return or wait for them to dump the soon to be new playmate would be unfair on both of y’us. So the explanations are in both instances 'present' and they are 'clear as Evian' dumping reasons; the writing is on the wall…
…you’ve had the synopsis and you know where you stand! YES. YOU DO. YOU STAND IN DUMPSVILLE. But do you feel that the emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved?
I doubt it! I doubt it very, very much. Because this is an emotional and traumatic time for you and will continue to be in the days, weeks, months to come – you’ve just been dumped…sorry to remind you!
So now what do you want from this particular ex? What?... Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you?… Oh…you haven’t had ‘Closure’ yet?... The dumping examples I gave do not amount to your ex giving you enough? Enough what? Time? Energy? Explanation? Words? to enable ‘Closure’ to be executed. Right! Hmmm, so what constitutes Closure then and how does your ex succeed here?
More words on the same subject where the conclusion will still be the same? How can your ex give you any more than what has already been said? They’ve explained themselves; their reasons are valid (and shitty maybe, but also valid), what else is left for them to say so that you can rise up into the Nirvana that is Closure?
Closure is not going to be handed to you on a plate princess and especially not by your ex no matter how the dumping/aftermath went…and this is because, it is not your ex’s job to provide ‘closure’. Closure is all on you babes. Closure has to come from within you. You’re the closer of the Closure. To ‘Close. That. Shit. Down’ (read that whilst thinking about Negan swinging Lucile around ‘Walking Dead’ fans) is on your shoulders.
You’re responsible for closing the chapter, closing the door, closing the damn relationship out from your ‘now’ from your ‘future’….gone….pffft. You need to CLOSE DOWN ALL DAMN HOPE THAT YOUR EX CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH YOUR PRECIOUS CLOSURE. You are not going to reach that feeling of resolution of the dumping until you process your thoughts and feelings and GIVE THE GIFT OF CLOSURE TO YOURSELF…and to get to Closure you have to leave your ex ALONE. Therein lies the start of the CLOSURE process which you are going to have to navigate without any assistance (translates: hindrance) from your ex.
I never believe anybody who says THIS after a dumping…‘oh, but I just need Closure from him/her – I just want to understand why s/he did it – I feel blindsided, everything was going so well and if my ex would just give me Closure, I would be fine, I could move on merrily along…Closure, Closure, CLOSURE is needed before I can move on’.
Nope…I don’t believe a word of THAT CAUSE IT’S NELLY NONSENSE. Not one damn word do I believe of that rhubarb.
When people who are in a breakup situation are banging on about the importance of getting ‘Closure from an ex’, what they ACTUALLY want is the opportunity to meet/talk/contact the blasted ex and dissect the breakup with said ex and open up dialogue to be able to persuade, force, manipulate, argue with Ex that the dumping decision was the wrong decision and beg for another chance. They use the word ‘Closure’ to their ex as a manipulation tactic…a way to make them feel bad for not giving them a final opportunity to beg for ONE. MORE. CHANCE.
So the Closure that the dumpee SAYS THEY WANT is never going to be enough, or clear enough or detailed enough or enough of enough or bloody well CLOSED ENOUGH and ENOUGH ALREADY….! The dumper can sit there all day, all week, for the rest of eternity going over the same shit (which is what a Closure Chaser would have them do if they could, btw). The same explanations said in different ways, digging deeper, emotionally-reasoning (which is the exact opposite of rationally reasoning) and it will still never be enough for the ‘I WANT CLOSURE DEMAND’ you have cursed upon them.
...And when the dumper actually entertains the Closure talk...oh my God...a good old dose of dumpee-spiraling is on the cards. The more the dumper is explaining, the more the dumpee is persisting and the dumper is just getting irritated and the dumpee is just getting more desperate, and it’s failing, but it’s already a mess so the dumpee just goes on and on, pushes and pushes and pushes, because the Closure is only going to be good enough when the dumper’s mind is changed and agrees to take the Closure Chaser back.
BINGO! HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD THERE DIDN’T I?
Let me **near enough** re-quote THAT… ‘CLOSURE IS ONLY GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH WHEN THE DUMPER CHANGES THEIR MIND AND AGREES TO TAKE **YOU** BACK’…because you never ask for closure from an ex you’re not really that bothered about do you? You don’t ask for closure from somebody you just naturally drift apart from? Nope! You always want Closure from the one you’re still pining after. The one you’re still in love with. The one you like more than they like you. So you want ‘Closure’ in the form of ‘Your Ex Back’.
…THAT is the only ‘Closure’ that a Closure Chaser is looking for and is interested in. You want Closure to come in the form of another chance with THAT ex who is trying their hardest (or not) to offer ‘Closure’ in any old form they can muster. And it’s all very confusing for the dumper because the ‘GIVE ME CLOSURE THING’ is impossible for them to navigate. And as a result they are putting their spin on what Closure is (which is not the offering of a second chance that you want) just to get you off their back...so they try to explain themselves in order to give a satisfactory answer to what they 'think' your version of Closure is and make a bloody hell mess of it in the process. It’s like asking them to do a backwards somersault whilst downing a pint in a swimming pool.
It’s not going to happen…it’s an impossibility…and it’s going to get emotionallllll!!!!!!
Rather than saying ‘I just want Closure – give me all that Closure’ you might as well be honest and say ‘I want one more last ditch desperate attempt to force you to marry me. Give me that marriage and then when we’re on our honeymoon, we’ll call it ‘Closure’ then’…cause that’s what you really want Closure to look like, if you’re honest…and we’re all about honesty here…you want this thing that is ‘Closure’ to look remarkably like ‘reconciliation’…and if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck…then ‘reconciliation’ is the very convincing duck that’s currently quacking for its life.
When I am dumped, I know what’s good for me. I want out of the exchange as quickly as possible, even if I don’t really understand why I’m being dumped. I’ve given you a fun little example of a dumping text I received from one of my exes and I'm sure you’ll see how wrong this could have gone IF I’d been a Closure Chaser; I’d have ended up fucked up in the head AGAIN…It’s linked HERE, you can read if you like or carry on reading these ramblings if my experience doesn't interest you...no offence taken!
I HAVE done the ‘I need closure’ shit once. I told you that at the beginning. Just once mind…because I learnt my lesson. And when I typed into my phone the ‘I Just Want Closure’ text-sentence that I then stupidly sent to my ex, my subconscious was all like…’erm. But when I say ‘Closure’ I mean that I want to, am going to, am committed to changing your mind. I want to talk you into taking me back. I want to disagree with all of your reasons for not wanting to be with me anymore and I want you to have an epiphany and be like…OH MY GOD…YOU ARE SO RIGHT…WE ARE PuurrrFECT TOGETHER…LET’S GET MARRIED…RIGHT NOW...BY PROXY IS FINE'. And what actually happened was THIS.
And if you don’t want to read the ins and outs of THAT…I’ll surmise and say I bloody well made a right nelly-numpty out of myself; so Mr Rwanda Honduras (Mr R. H.) as I’m calling him from now on (sorry ‘Rwanda’, sorry ‘Honduras’) has always got THAT ‘crazy ex’ story to tell about me should he run out of conversation at the pub one night. Actually, he’s probably doing better than Tolkien because I’m betting that I am not the only crazy little hobbit he’s created – the pickle that he was.
Anyway, time to get real…Closure ‘A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’ is NOT, NEVER CAN BE AND NEVER WILL BE capable of being given to you by anybody other than yourself. The last person that can give you Closure is that ex…but THIS too…it’s not your ex’s job to even attempt it…it’s a bad idea for both parties concerned.
Getting to the point where ‘Closure’ has occurred will take everything but conversation(s), meeting(s), text(s), email(s), CONTACT with your ex. Closure will take time. Contact with your ex to discuss Closure will cause you PAIN, HARM and DAMAGE – it will delay Closure. It will take strength not to ask for Closure from your ex (cause if you're honest it’s not Closure you’re seeking but another chance to change their stubborn goddamn mind) and it will ultimately only come when you’ve processed your feelings, rationalised the situation and realise that you have healed and are ready to move on…no part of that will come from any word or action your ex can give you EVER…any further words s/he has for you after ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ are unnecessary, redundant and probably have the ability to damage your mental health.
I’ve said this before in a different post, but in case you don’t know it took me eight years…EIGHT WASTED YEARS…to get over ‘Mr R. H.’ and this is because I thought he was responsible for giving me Closure. And I damn well held him responsible for giving me this…I placed that responsibility onto HIM to give ME that. I gave him a massive responsibility there didn’t I?
This absolute abhorrent human being (I call him that not because he dumped me, but because he actually is just THAT) was responsible for giving me Closure? I was mistaken…I thought he was the Closure Giver and I the Closure Receiver. So I was actively waiting for him to give me what I needed to get on with MY life all wrapped up tied with a pretty bow; it took me seven years to realise I had to give Closure to MYSELF and a further year to do it….and you don’t have eight seconds to spare waiting for your ex to even try to make a sucky attempt at ‘Closure’, let alone eight bloody years.
Now get up, off your ass and close your own effing door on this ex and then comment below about what you think about THIS situation. The one where you are never going to seek out or expect to be given ‘Closure’ in its ‘pure form’ or ‘Closure’ in its ‘pretend form’ by an ex ever again…if you like…BUT PLEASE DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER…because that’s all I am…A MESSENGER AND ADVOCATE OF NOT SCREWING YOURSELF OVER ALL FOR THE SAKE OF SOMETHING YOUR EX IS JUST NOT EQUIPPED TO GIVE YOU…AND ACTUALLY SOMETHING YOU MUST FIND WITHIN YOUR OWN SELF. The quicker you can come to terms with THAT, the quicker you will have your Closure.
Come on...comment below, do you hate me or have I converted you?!
Come on...comment below, do you hate me or have I converted you?!