Friday, 1 March 2019

BREAKUPS - WHEN DO OR DON'T EXES COME BACK?

Quick note before I start.  Making a dignified exit after having been dumped and having the genuine intention of never reaching out to the dumper again is primarily for you, your well-being and so that you can heal without delay.  It is not a manipulation tactic.  THAT is important to remember





...  I have analysed the relationships in my life where there was a clear dumper/dumpee and a clear ‘breakup’ situation.  I haven’t taken into account those that just fizzled out or where an actual ‘breakup’ per se was not required.  So I’ve rounded up the breakup stories relating to my 12 little honey monster exes and I’m going to spill what happened and then give you my ramblings and thoughts on my experiences of when they do or don’t come back…


Exes 1-5 and 8 (where in each case I was the dumper)

Ex1)…well, let’s just say he was more into me than I was him.  During the breakup he was an emotional mess of mush - I've written about the dumping HERE.  So very briefly...he called a day or so/soon after the breakup and for the next three months conspired to bump into me with a view to trying to get me to change my mind and give him another go. 

Ex2)…and I initially had a good relationship...then he got possessive and is up there owning the ‘Breakup-MESS-Champion’ title.  He made the same mistakes as Ex1 during and after the relationship only on a much more horrific scale and for a prolonged period of time.  I've written about that car crash of a dumping HERE - learn from his mistakes PLEASE!

Ex3)…was a NASTY piece of work intermittently throughout the relationship when he couldn’t get his own way and consistently for the final three or so months, so guess what happened during the breakup and in the aftermath – he was consistent is what I can say.  During the (four hour) breakup at his place he got really aggressive, he wouldn’t let me leave and he really did frighten me.  What ended the ‘breakup-talk(!) ermmm horror’ was when he trod on a dirty great ‘razorblade’ he’d left lying on the floor – honest, I didn't plant it! As he was pacing up and down in utter rage he trod on it and cut his foot right open…to the bone; blood everywhere.  Off to hospital HE took HIMSELF…ALONE.  He called me a week later to tell me it was my fault he’d sliced his size 8 open, gave me some choice words and hung up.  

He then called again about three months after the unfortunate foot incident asking if I was sorry yet and wanted him back??????????????????????????????  Yeah, the joker that he was.  I made it absolutely clear I was having nothing more to do with him.  That set him off and I got a mouthful of abuse and this time the phone got slammed down on him.  We bumped into each other at a club about one year later and HE LOST HIS SHIT.  The last time I saw him was later on that night with what appeared to be a nasty, bloody fracture to his nose.  He was being ‘assisted’ by four burley bouncers who were quite literally bouncing him down the stairs and out into the night…off to hospital again I guess was his destination; first his foot, then his nose….and I never even got to say ‘goodbye’.  

Ex4) could became moody blowing hot and cold and he got even moodier-hot-and-cold during the breakup and immediate aftermath – I guess you could say he put himself in ‘low/less contact’ category, randomly calling and texting displaying a mixture of emotions which was irritating but he gave up after a few weeks and left me alone.  I’ve spoken to him since on work related matters and we are civil, but then he invariably gets a nasty or jealous dig in and I end the conversation.  

Ex5) would regularly go off on one and then ignore me for hours after inviting me to drive to him after a long day at work when he had been doing sweet F.A all day.  He went off on one when I dumped him and off on one every day for the next six months.  One minute he wanted me back, the next minute he was making accusations, then he was calling my work, then he didn’t want me back…y’know that ‘love you, hate you cycle’.  About two years after I dumped this one, very selfishly I did re-contact him and we had a very brief ‘thing’.  He wanted me back but I didn’t want him as a ‘BF’ so off I went again.  He took the dumping better the second time and many years later when no feelings existed for either of us, we bumped into each other and have a reasonable friendship.   

Ex8) had a nasty streak and yep! Got nastier during the breakup when I refused to take him back (yeah, yeah, been there – bore off – nasty makes being a dumping so much easier to execute – sorry but it so does).  He called me 98 times and splattered in around 25 texts during the evening I dumped him.  All were ignored and then he tried calling/texting on and off for the next few weeks.  I replied to one of his texts asking him to kindly delete my number and leave me alone and he eventually got the message.  

Exes 6 and 7 (where in both cases the breakup was ‘mutual’/‘agreed’)

Ex6’s circumstances were complicated and there was a big age gap, the breakup was mutual and amicable and we’ve remained mates.  From the breakup onwards we have a catch up over the phone maybe two to four times a year and message occasionally to check all is well.    

The award for 'BEST EX' has to go to 7 (and he’d probably say the same about me too) who is (for the most part) the best [platonic] boy-that-is-a-friend a girl could have - every girl needs a 7 in their lives.  This was a Summer of fun, exiting, experimental, passionate lurvvvvve, which ended in a close (platonic) friendship which I cherish.  I’m writing a post on being friends with your ex, so I’ll tell you all more about this one then.

DANGER! FIRE, HELL, FURY  DANGER! - Ex 9 (where he was the dumper OR WAS HE?!)

He ghosted me (translates as: ‘he’ dumped me) and I STOOOOPIDLY (oh the stooooopidity of this split second decision) contacted him six weeks after our last contact.  If I knew what I know now I would have chopped my own hands off rather than making that call – I should have left him in the cemetery.  We got back together for a year until he may or may not have ghosted me again?????  Errrrm, although this could have been him just being busy because it had only been a couple of days that I hadn’t hear from him but I was getting anxious…soooo??????  

Soooo!!!! I might have taken matters into my own hands and I contacted him twice(!) the first time by phone to tell him it was over (there was no resistance on his part) (!) and the second time about four weeks later by way of a FRIGHTFULLY LONG EMAIL [and if I was a dumper I would NOT have wanted to have been on the receiving end of THAT particularly emotional masterpiece] to ‘remind him it was over just in case he hadn’t understood the first time’ (yep, loopy shit) – then when he ignored THAT…I KNOW...HOW VERY DARE HE…

...I left it four weeks and then I chased by phone and when he eventually answered we had a two hour conversation where I did a bit of the old begging; but worst of all after that call ended I concerned myself with what was not my business and just generally LOST IT - RELATIONSHIP CARRRRRRRRN-AAAAGE.  I'll leave this one here for another day and conclude that I was a MESS and I put my mess on full view for him to see for quite a long time after the ‘relationship’ was done.  And I think if he saw me again he would RUN…and it definitely wouldn’t be ‘towards me’!  If I saw this one first I’d just cross the road and thank my lucky stars that he’s not my problem.   

Exes 10 - 12 (where in each case they were the dumpers)

With regards to these three, when they dumped me I graciously accepted their decisions, I didn’t cry, beg, plead, offer friendship etc, I just immediately ceased contacting them and with regards to 10 and 11, I only replied when they contacted me with ‘substance’. 

10 was an absolute user in oh so many ways.  He dumped me by text and 6 weeks later he text me under the guise of wanting to try again but was ultimately looking for a ‘Benefits for Buds’ situation.  I entertained this for about one second which was enough time for him to shaft me good and proper (in more ways than one).  

11 ghosted me FOUR FUCKING TIMES; that's FOUR, the cheeky bastard!  He came back the first time after 3 weeks, the second time after 15 months even though I’d asked him to kindly never contact me again.  He then ghosted me for a third time and text me wanting to meet after two months.  That meet-up never did happen because the day before it was supposed to happen, haha(!) he ghosted me for the final, fourth time and THIS people, is the one year anniversary of that ghosting…it happened 12 months ago as I write!  On 1st March 2018 my Dear Diary entry reads: ‘He Hurt You…Remember That’.  …because OUCH did that one hurt and a fifth chance is, quite frankly a JOKE and beyond contemplation! 

I’ll keep you updated with 12; he dumped me almost 6 weeks ago (39 days ago at time of writing – I haven’t been counting, I’ve just added the days up now to be precise for everybody reading) and neither of us has tried to contact the other.


CONCLUSIONS I HAVE DRAW FROM ANALYSING MY OWN BREAKUPS

What I conclude from my ‘hall of fail’ is that when I've dumped them, they've all come back IMMEDIATELY [translates as: far too effing soon] without giving me time to think, breath and consider/contemplate or live life without them.   This is a big mistake on their part.

None, not one, of the six exes I dumped had any chance of getting me back because the behaviour that turned me off and had sealed the deal to place them firmly in dumpsville in the first place was magnified x 1,000,000 during and following the breakup.  In other words, because the breakups and aftermath got soooooooo bad, I felt completely overwhelmed.  Being totally honest, if they had handled the breakup let’s say ‘right’ and maintained a dignified silence, I possibly would have reached out to Ex 2 with a view to trying to reconcile and get back together but only because we’d had mainly a good relationship in the beginning and for the first couple of years.  I would have regretted taking him back though because it was clear that I was able to push all his emotional buttons, which was not healthy for either of us.  I didn’t do it deliberately – I just was able to; such was our personalities.

As for the others I dumped;  Ex 1) Just no – not for me;  Ex 3) That had entered the realms of abuse and that’s a BIG ‘N’ for NEVER;  Ex 4) No, I met somebody else and rather than cheat I ended it;  Ex 5) He had poor prospects in that he was work shy and wanted to play computer games all day – he just wouldn’t get a job and nor did he want to do anything/go anywhere and that was not attractive TO ME - I was turned off;  Ex 8) This one was meant just to be a bit of fun for both of us, but he developed feelings, became very jealous and nasty, so nope…done.

What is absolutely apparent however is that not one of the exes I dumped actually allowed me a god damn minute to let me maybe regret my decision and feel the loss of their presence and allow me to consider life without them.  Rather than let me panic that I may have made a mistake, they panicked and went bat-shit, loopdy-loop-crazy.  Not only have they always ‘returned’ they haven’t even left the damn building already.  They were there in some form of pathetic-wanting-another-chance-but-were unwilling to evolve as people and when they couldn’t get their own way (of having me change my mind in the breakup or immediate aftermath) they each turned into the worst version of themselves; so even more sappy, even more irrational, even more nasty, even more emotional – none of them have walked away, processed their thoughts, worked on themselves, given me space to work on myself, allowed me to process my thoughts and then give me time to approach them.  

They didn't allow me to come back to them so that we can show each other that we would have a healthy relationship; so I’ve never been given the chance to regret my decision to dump.  They were there trying to get me back but still all fucked up with their worst personality traits heightened and completely on display thus reinforcing the decision I made to dump them and LEAVE THEM DUMPED; and so they stay dumped, my decision being validated in my head, I end up either never considering going near them again or I don’t consider them to be a ‘serious option’.  Let that sink in! 

If your ex tells you that they are breaking up with you because they feel you are too ‘intense’ for example, don’t ramp up the ‘intensity’ during the dumping or in the aftermath or ever again because you’re showing them that they’re right about you and they’ve made the right decision to move on without you.  If you are being dumped because you are jealous of their opposite sex friends I suggest you don’t sling baseless accusations around during the dumping.  

In the aftermath I suggest that you don’t stalk their social media and make snidey comments and insinuations about who they are with.  Because otherwise you are going to be reinforcing that you aren’t right for each other and you will NEVER get a second chance because the behaviour that got you dumped in the first place is overpowering and outweighing every-good-quality-you-actually-have and every good quality they were initially attracted to.  And you’ve become, in a flash, very undesirable.  YOU did that, to YOURSELF because you can't control your emotions.   

Where the dumping was ‘mutual’ it is easy/easier to let go.  In the case of my Ex 7 there was honesty from the outset at what kind of ‘relationship’ this would be.  There were no games involved or mindfuckery there was no ill feelings and we have been able to maintain a very genuine, mutual and happy friendship. 

In the one instance where he might have ghosted me(?) and I officially dumped(!) AND then chased AND then did my best fruit-loop impression ever, I definitely was given the 'crazy' tag and had NO CHANCE that’s ZERO-FUCKING-CHANCE (again let that sink in) of getting him back - 9 was a really messed up relationship – I thought it was great, but I didn’t have all the facts(!!) until during the aftermath and what I felt when I knew what the relationship was actually all about was comparable to being on the receiving end of a Mike Tyson left-right-punch-to-the-guts whilst my heart was being simultaneously  ripped out and put through a shredder; but even so...




[in case you can't read the important part of the text in the photo above, damn trees...I'll highlight it here '...and he can take the un-lubricated 'Liar Lipstick' trophy right ups his arse - I'm happy to present it'].

In the cases of 10 and 11 who dumped me and they returned, I re-entertained them and I would also re-entertain 12 if HE initiates contact (is that sinking in? – all of the ones who dumped me got/get another chance).  10 and 11 both let me down - I was anticipating that if they did reach out (and they both did) they would have the decency to only do so if they wanted to sort things out and actually try again, when in fact, they each came back all entitled, wanting the ‘benefits’ without the ‘relationship’ and I simply don’t tolerate that. 

So my conclusion following post-mortem of my own relationship breakups, is this…

The best chance of a serious reconciliation is obviously NOT going to be when you or they made or make the mistakes that I in the case of ‘9’ did or EVERY ONE of the exes that I have dumped made!  So learn from that.  Understand that when the breakup is handled with grace and contact ceases this prevents negative behaviour traits that led to your ex dumping you being put on display.  These traits that annoy your ex and got you dumped in the first place should not be exhibited and magnified tenfold during the dumping and aftermath because it JUST. ISN'T ATTRACTIVE.  Handling a breakup correctly will give you the potential chance to have another serious chance of a relationship with your ex…There are NO guarantees though…NONE.  So keep moving forward with your own life...  

Finally, I’ve got a little exercise relating to this post for all of you who are interested.  This is the LINK   

Check it out you brave ones…give a go…AND PLEASE COMMENT LETTING ME KNOW HOW YOU GOT ON!
 
TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.



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