Saturday, 30 March 2019

‘CLOSURE CHASER’ TRILOGY (pt 2) – ON THIS DUMPED OCCASION, YEP…THAT WAS ME…





Lovely people, I've talked about 'Closure' and what I call 'Closure Chasers' HERE - I've given you an example of when I didn't ask for closure in a crappy breakup text situation, the little star that I am HERE!...

...So this is just an example of what happened to me when I was not a star and when I chased Closure just that one time, from that one ex, and this example will hopefully serve as a what never to do post-break-up and why.  My feeling is this....you should never expect any ex to be able to give you Closure...or THIS kind of embarrassing shenanigans could happen to you...and embarrassing shenanigans never results in a Closure success story...

This ex of mine, who I will now for the rest of blogging history refer to as ‘Rwanda Honduras’ (‘Mr R. H.’ for short) [sorry ‘Rwanda’, sorry ‘Honduras’]...had finally granted my text-message ‘closure’-wish, the Genie that he was; I must have rubbed his metaphoric lamp enough times…blah, blah, blah…like this...



I know…the desperation is just CRINGE and I can’t imagine EVER texting this type of desperation to an ex again…and when he granted me permission to call him I was all singing from the rooftops…‘CONTACT TIME, IT'S CONTACT TIME - THANK YOU GOD FOR CONTACT TIME'!!!  


So I called…on the bloody dot.  I wouldn’t have been so tardy as to lose my glass slipper if I’d been Cinderella. 

I’d even got myself dressed up and put some slap on (waste of expensive NARS full coverage foundation that was and false eyelashes which are a bugger to put on btw - they came off nice and simple though, with a bit of 'salt-water') – no we weren’t face-timing but I still wanted to look my best whilst seeking Closure…from AN EX, from THIS EX!  Great!  I called, he answered.  This was already going better than planned, because he ACTUALLY answered, cause he hadn’t been doing THAT for a while…!

I don’t think he even had chance to get the phone to his ear because…I’m off…I’m out the traps, like a pedigree whippet chasing a mechanical fantasy-rabbit…I was going to catch that damn fantasy and never let it go or else rip it’s throat out, chew it up and spit it out…so I'm off already…forget ‘Hello’ and pleasantries…let’s get straight in there...not a second to lose...he doesn't have long…

‘Why don’t you want to be with me anymore, I don’t understand?’

Him – ‘Hi...How are...What, I missed the first part?...Oh...We’ve been through this, I just can’t be with you anymore’.

****We hadn’t****

‘But why though…we get on really well?’

Him – ‘We do.  I just can’t at the moment’.

‘So you’re saying in the future then?  When?’  **Haha, sucker…didn’t think that one through did he?**

Him – ‘errrm…I don’t know…I can’t say’

‘When?

Him – ‘I don’t know…’

‘Yes you do, you can give me SOME indication…don’t you like me?’

Him – ‘Course I do – what do you take me for? **I’d love to answer THAT now** I just can’t be with you’.

‘Why not though?’

Him – Silence…

‘What have I done wrong?’

Him – ‘Nothing…I’ve already explained to you…’

****HE HADN’T****

‘Look, I just want you to give me some CLOSURE, then I’ll leave you alone’.

Him – ‘I don’t know what else I can say…I just can’t be with you anymore’.

Well this is going well eh?!

My brain is whirring cause he’s not giving me much to work with here …think. think. think. cause we’re at an impasse now…and if he says any version of ‘can’t be with you anymore’ I’m going to reach through the phone and I don’t know what but blood is getting spilled…

Right, an idea, and I’m…(Alan Partridge voice)…‘back in the game!’

…I’ll try a bit of the old memory testing-sharing-caring waffle…whatever...trip down memory lane stuff, cause every dumper loves being reminded of the good old days with an ex-who-wants-Closure…‘remember when we went here?  Remember that time we went there?’ ‘Remember when we did this?…Did that?…Saw this?…Saw that?’…blah, blah.  It was pathetic.  

And after all my hard work pouring over our best bits he was just ‘…yeah see, at least we’ve got the memories’…he DID actually say THAT the sarcastic little...; I see that for what it is now… it’s classic ‘bitch…you crazy…I did not contribute to making you THIS crazy so stop being my problem and get off the damn phone now’.  'We need to end this conversation now' talk that is….at its best.

Fuck!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – this is not working!  Why and how did that not work?  How did me reminding him of the time when we were asleep in that hotel in Cardiff all snuggled up together, warm and cosy and TOGETHER when the fire alarm went off and we were forced to evacuate...oh the hilarity...not get him to realise that we were perfect together, we were a team, all evacuating together, coordinated in record time. 

Think again brain, think harder, do something nobody has ever done before in the history of the ‘give me some closure’ talk. 

GOT IT!  Let nobody tell me that I have an IQ of less than 140 – This is Mensa stuff now…I’m gonna try harder…OK…CRY…!   Let me try to negotiate (translates: force) harder whilst crying…and…his end, I couldn’t hear a pin drop – I’ve got his undivided attention…I’m genius…this is working, he’s changing his mind – he’s remembering why he fell for me in the first place; because I'm still being that 'quality' he admired in me...I'm still being so goddamn sexily 'aloof'…SOB now SOB quick…that’ll speed up the changing of his mind process even faster and the being back together bit…

…but he said…‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to make you cry…’, translates: he’s checked out on EVERY level if he was ever remotely ‘checked in’ in the first place…he probably went for a walk about and left me there on the kitchen table crying on my own whilst he’s getting ready for bed, cleaning his teeth, putting his clothes in the washing machine and preparing tomorrow’s packed lunch...

Shit I was nearly there…damn…beg now…let’s add a bit of pleading into the mix all of the ingredients for the perfect Typical Closure talk are now folded in nicely and ready for the oven, the burning and the spitting out.  I was ready to be cooked, burnt and spat out.

This ‘Closure’ conversation had by now hit the one hour mark; and really HE should have ended the call within literally two minutes at an absolute maximum because him entertaining my ‘I want Closure’ was very cruel of him.  He knew I had text him asking for ‘Closure’ and he knew where this was going to go...(a grovelling request for just ONE. MORE. CHANCE, something he was not going to entertain for a milli-second).  I mean he's not a stupid person with his PH-pissing-d.

The ending of this call however was suave on his part, and I actually can’t blame him for this little tactic, my only criticism is that he should have employed it sooner…

…he said he 'had to go' but he’d...have a think overnight about how he could explain things better to me so that he could ‘give me the closure that I deserve’.  So, he asked, could I call him tomorrow at the same time, please, and he said he really had to go and he promised me (on his life, his mother’s life, his father’s life, the life of the dog he’d never owned and that of the laptop that he did own) that we would talk the following day and he put the phone down – smooth ain’t he, cause you know where this is going…

…so no, I’m not as quick as you lot, but I was disadvantaged ever so slightly because I was having a little old emotional breakdown with a touch of anxiety and a big old triple shot of emotions and I felt so positive about my progress that night that my glass was not only half full, it was overflowing.  I needed more glasses to fill – my glass was that full…I thought he was going to change his mind and ‘be able to suddenly be with me now’ – he was going to sort out the ‘just can’t at the moment’ obstacle and he’d be mine and I’d be his, just 24 hours to get through…

Why? Because I wanted him soooo much and I was projecting my feelings onto him and convincing myself that even if he didn’t feel how I felt it was now within my capability to FORCE him to eventually feel the same and give us another chance…cause obviously THAT is totally within my power to do!

The following day - more wasted NARS full coverage foundation...and eyelashes - I called him at the EXACT time he said I should (course I did); and he knew I would call on time (course he did)…only he was on a train and was going through a tunnel?  Or he was in the shower?  Or he didn’t get to his phone on time?  Or his phone was on silent?  Or he was in an unexpected meeting?  Or he doesn’t want me to use my credit and he’s going to call me back, the gentleman that he fucking was**n’t**?  

...OR HIS PHONE WAS DELIBERATELY SWITCHED OFF!!!… 

...And it was still off ten minutes later, an hour later, five hours later, the following day…longest tunnel/shower/meeting I’ve ever heard of eh?, and that’s because HE DIDN’T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME AND HE KNEW HE COULD NOT GIVE ME CLOSURE AND HE KNEW THAT I WANTED CLOSURE IN THE FORM OF RECONCILIATION AND HE DID NOT WANT ME BACK!  I gave up contacting him after that btw, cause y’know, it was getting a bit embarrassing!  But I was still waiting for ‘Closure’…FROM HIM!  FROM THAT!  Even though he wasn’t physically in my life anymore!!

Now, this happened many years ago…at the time the breakup made NO SENSE TO ME which is quite possibly why the whole Closure thing became SUCH a massive issue – it bloody well makes sense to me NOW (after what I found out from dig, dig, digging and not keeping my nosey nose out)…well I certainly got what I’d asked for because I found out ALLLLLL of the reasons why HE JUST COULDN’T BE WITH ME 'AT THE MOMENT' – and if he had given me that clarification…the actual TRUTH as part of ‘The Closure’ talk that night on the phone…THOSE reasons would not only NOT have brought about Closure, it would have opened a whole can of worms…and I don’t like worms….and those damn worms still crawl all over me from time-to-time, and yeah the sarcastic bastard is right…at least up til that point I did have the memories – but they are so covered in worms that all I can remember is a wormy...no snakey...fake as hell 'relationship'.  

But he was THE ONE…the ABSOLUTE ONE…the ONLY ONE…my FIRST AND ONLY ONE…

…who made me realise that ‘ONLY I’ could give myself Closure and I learnt that the VERY HARD WAY.  Don’t you believe that anybody other than yourself can give you this massive thing that is Closure.  Don’t ask for it, don’t wait for it because nobody is capable of giving you that…you have to step-up and hand Closure to yourself when you get there.  

And in any case…when I hear ‘…but I just want Closure’ come out of the mouth of anybody in a relationship breakup situation, I immediately think… ‘BULLSHIT…YOU WANT CONTACT… YOU WANT TO FORCE YOUR EX TO HAVE YOU BACK…YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH THEM WHEN THEY TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY DON’T WANT YOU BACK AND YOU WANT ANOTHER GO AT CLOSING THE BREAKUP DOWN BY BEING BACK TOGETHER…AND WHEN YOU DON’T GET THAT YOUR’RE GOING TO PERSIST AND YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO FIND OUT SHIT YOU THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW FOR CLOSURE'S SAKE WHICH WILL DELAY AND HINDER THE CLOSURE…’, because as you all know I subscribe to the Oxford English dictionary definition of Closure in the current context as being:

A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’


…and this particular ex, YES YOU ‘Mr R. H.', even with YOUR 'PH-pissing-d' COULD NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE ME THAT GIFT OF RESOLUTION.  He couldn’t even leave me the gift of an untarnished memory…

I'd love to hear your stories of being a 'Closure Chaser'...especially if you've learnt your lesson the hard way...like me...and are now the 'Closer of the Closure'...any comments are great...!

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY




CLOSURE CHASER? NOT I (pt 3)...NOT ON THIS DUMPED OCCASION...


Here's me all high and mighty, in a newly dumped situation leading by example by NOT being a ‘Closure Chaser’ where other heartbroken emotionally-confused, lesser mortals may have failed – learn more about ‘Closure Chasers’ by clicking the link HERE.  

This is the person I am now; I am the ‘Closer of the Closure’; I do closure by myself and always without a bloody ex’s input!  

And you should consider doing likewise…because there’s less mind-fuckery involved when you’re 'just' battling your own mind, your own demons, your own rejection issues and not YOUR mind AND ALL THE piffle that your damn ex is going to come out with when you ask them for (…groan…) Closure.  

Getting GENUINE Closure is a solo project I’m afraid…unless you want to engage expert help in the form of a psychotherapist…and nine times out of ten your ex has not committed to intense psychotherapist training and therefore is not a psychotherapist…and if s/he was, don't get all excited cause s/he’d have to conflict out anyway.  

So this is a fun little example of a dumping text I received from one of my exes that could have turned me into a Closure Chaser had I not already had my fingers yanked out their sockets and burnt off with THIS experience with the ex who deserves naming and shaming, but I’m being NICE...for now, so I won't, and I'll call him ‘Mr. R.H’.

Anyway, I’d three days earlier been, for the first time, introduced to this ex’s 12 year old daughter, so things were going well.  Weren’t they?  And I liked her and she appeared to like me; like she didn’t call me a ‘witch’ or worse (well, as far as I know) and she didn’t ‘accidentally’ bowl her bowling ball at my head, and anyhow I bribed her with a little makeup set with rose-gold unicorn packaging, so I was off to a good start – know your audience!  

But meeting your partner’s child for the first time is a ‘relationship milestone’ is it not?  Well I thought it was, and I was glowing inside and out…until…ping…this gem of a text popped up…




Now…I have a question for you…what do you think asking for and actually getting closure from THAT ex is going to look like? 

I mean…what the fuck does THAT TEXT PICTURED THERE actually mean?  Haha!  Oops, that sounds like me asking for help from YOU with the initial part of the closure process (which is the fathoming of the ‘WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?’ part without resorting to asking The Ex to stick his oar in)…Don’t worry I'm long past that part of the healing process and I’ve got more respect for your time than to ask you THAT; so I did the dirty work and TRIED to fathom it myself...

…so back to that shit-show of a text…

What then?  


So, what we glean from that crock of crap is that he, well, for at least part of the time, can’t be a man…can’t be my man.  So, I conclude then that he can only be part-time man, part-time flip-flop?  He’s part-time man, part-time useless?  He can only be part-time man, part-time moron?  He can only be part-time man, part-time waste of my absolute time?  He can only be part-time man, part-time WHAT?…WTF is the other thing (or person???) he wants to ‘be’ (or ‘DO’) for the other part of his time, when he’s not being a man.  My man? 

And I will tell you this…I wasn’t going to ask HIM for clarification of his ‘full-time shortcomings’, much less for ‘Closure’!  I texted him back.  Yep, I did.  So now my phone is looking exactly like this…


Yep, you read that right, I replied ‘Ok’ - how many of you could have managed nonchalance to that degree?!!  I typed two letters back to that shit.  Perhaps(?) two more than I should have done, but only because I wanted him to know that I’d read that nonsense and ‘understood’ his….erm…’reason’…(?) for dumping me was because of his own assessment of his part-man/part-useless ratio.  

And whilst I was ‘Ok’ (albeit it 'not really OK') accepting THAT, I wanted him to know through an 'o' and a 'k' that he now has to really be OK with me…:

·         NOT accepting that he’s going to be allowed to treat me like shit,
·         NOT accepting a part-time man presence,
·         NOT being OK with him getting himself on Tinder for the other part of his time and,
·         NOT wanting to be with a part-time version of HIM. 


Fuck that!

An ‘O’ and a ‘k’. 

I didn’t even bother to mess around with a capital ‘K’ or a full-stop.  I cried my heart out; I was falling in love with him; I thought he felt the same, but I wasn’t giving him a capital ‘k’. 

How can I (or you) expect this person (or a similar emotionally inept ex) to give me (or you) CLOSURE?  Closure from a less than full-time man (his words not mine), who clearly associates me with being a ‘CHORE’, a ‘JOB’ he ain’t thrilled about or ‘WORK’ that he can’t commit a metaphoric 36 hours a week to and also decides to communicate this to me by text?  I’m not his employer asking him to go from 16 hours per week to 36.  I’m not asking him to consider me in exchange for his bloody Working Tax Credits. 

Reminder, ‘Closure’ is a massive concept (definition taken from the Oxford English dictionary, which for today is gospel):

A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’

He couldn’t even close his own eye judging by that shite. 

So if I’d have text back and said ‘…you can’t just end things like that, I need closure…’, how do you think he would have managed to give me resolution of my emotional/ traumatic feelings…how do you think he would have handled THAT?  He would have taken voluntary redundancy I’d bet my full-time salary on it…and I would have lost my shit. 

How was he going to be able to make me feel that my emotions and the trauma I was feeling could be resolved by further interaction with HIM.  An adult ‘man’ who dumps a woman with that kind of man-tosh-talk is not capable of helping you process Jack shit.  I was dumped with more eloquence in Primary School (by a boy of about the same age...let's just clarify THAT...);  I was emotional and I was traumatised, but the resolving of this, the absolute resolution was in my hands.  And yes, it took me time to process the relationship and the breakup, and it took more time than it should but mainly because he actually did come back a further three (YES, I KNOW…THREE TOO MANY) times which delayed the healing process and therefore the Closure that I was able to give to myself. 

Each time he came back I never asked him for any explanations of THAT text because, basically there was/is NOTHING…Not One Little Scrap of sense that he could give me after that full-time/part-time muddled-up-man-talk…which is classic bloke-pub-mate-chat carefully coded so that women cannot understand…I can see him now up his local:


My ex’s mate:             ‘How’s 'IT' going mate’? 
My ex:                         'Oh mate, nah – I gave 'IT' the ‘full-time man’ text’
The mate:                   ‘Oooooh, harsh mate…Couldn’t have been much clearer than that; at least y'know?!’
The ex:                       ‘Yeah mate, I know – clear mate...pint?…’


I had to rely upon myself…I had to full-time MAN THE FUCK UP and grow a pair – go hunt for that Closure alone and that’s precisely what I did…and always do….you should too!

The Moto - 'Closure Comes from Within'.

The Message - 'Exes are not the 'Within' you should be turning to for Closure'.  

Let me know how you would have reacted to THAT…Let me know your thoughts, comments or y’know…just say ‘hi!’. 

Oh…and…any players out there having a read…did yo’ man do a good job?!  Are you proud of your boi?!



TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY



Friday, 29 March 2019

CLOSURE CHASER TRILOGY (pt 1) - THAT CRAZY LITTLE POST BREAKUP 'EXPECTATION' THAT YOUR EX CANNOT GIVE YOU...SO DON'T ASK!



Urrrgh, this is a real bug bear of mine – it’s up there with ‘The Entitled’ and you know how I feel about THEM, but if you don’t you can read about it HERE!  

Well ‘Closure Chasers’ are a joint ‘top of the list’ irritant – if you are somebody that likes a bit of the old post-breakup Closure [and let’s capitalise the word to highlight the importance Closure Chasers place on getting this from the damn Ex] I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you…but you need to sack THAT ‘way of shit thinking’ OFF, right now.  Chasing exes around, whining on about ‘needing Closure’ in order for you to move the hell on with your life cannot be entertained anymore.  I have to convert you…I’ll have you convinced and converted by the end of this post…stick with me…

I was a ‘Closure Chaser’ once…and by ‘once’ I don't mean for a prolonged period of time, I mean ONE TIME; JUST ONCE IN MY LIFE with JUST THE ONE EX and it damaged me as a person and I’ll tell you more about how that went later. 

But…if I hadn’t have asked for, convinced myself AND believed that this ex could grant me Closure I’d be a nicer, better, happier, more trusting, more people-orientated person than I am today.  When I asked him for Closure I hadn’t fully thought it through.  I thought and wanted to believe that it was something that it wasn’t and I thought that I could get it from him…correction, could ONLY get it from HIM.  And I was waiting for HIM to sprinkle fairy dust over the situation to conjure up ‘Closure’ for ME, so it would be all 'CLOSED'…rookie error…

…at first I thought he didn’t want to give it; then I thought he was being mean; and then I thought, in keeping with his shitty behaviour, he was continuing to be a shitty person and then I realised THIS (after SEVEN YEARS)…

…HE COULDN’T.


I’ve also been dumped for ‘out there’ reasons too and I’ve resisted being a Closure Chaser and I’ve written about one of those experiences too, which is linked below. 

The Oxford English Dictionary (which I’m taking as gospel on this) gives the meaning of ‘Closure’ in the applicable context, as being…

A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’

OK.  Great!  That’s kind of what I thought it meant, and I would think that’s pretty close to what you were expecting too, but I want you to re-read that definition again…let it sink in and don’t read on until you’ve thought what that sentence means…and in case you’re cheating…’Closure’ is ‘A FEELING. THAT AN EMOTIONAL.  OR TRAUMATIC. EXPERIENCE. HAS. BEEN. RESOLVED’.

Bear that definition in mind whilst you read on…

…so, during a breakup and the aftermath, is it ‘Closure’ that you are honestly asking/ begging/ banging on and on about needing and wanting from your ex? 

Is ‘Closure’ in its purest form actually the right word for what you want your ex to deliver? 

Do you think that your ex in the aftermath of kicking your ass into touch with a dumping can GIVE ‘YOU’ and/or MAKE ‘YOU’ and/or goddamn HELP ‘YOU’ feel that the ‘emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’…OH MY GOD, you want me to believe THIS…:  

...THE EX WHO HAS BROKEN THAT HEART OF YOURS IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FIND THE WORDS AND EXPLANATION AND REASONS AND ACTIONS NEEDED TO BRING YOU ‘YOUR CLOSURE’…TO GET YOU TO FEEL THAT THIS EMOTIONAL OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE IN THE FORM OF A DUMPING HAS BEEN RESOLVED….?!  …the hell…?!?

Let us now examine this crap-crap-clap-trap-carton-of-crap-Closure-concept in more detail, and then we’ll see if you’re so excited for the ‘Closure’ conversation with your bloody ex after that…you won’t be a...urghhh...Closure Chaser for much longer, I can guarantee…

…you’re dumped because s/he doesn’t think that you want the same things in life.  Your soon-to-be-ex wants to go travelling for a year and you just don’t – you vomit at the thought of getting on a plane, you’re career driven with a job in situ, or whatever.  So the dumper decides that there is an irreconcilable difference RIGHT THERE.  Your ex meets up with you, or calls, or texts and says something like ‘I want to travel and see the world and you projectile vomit on planes…on me actually on planes and you’ve got your career to think of.  Travelling and not being vomited on is important to me right now and your aviophobia and career is important to you, so we cannot be together’.  OR ‘I’m just not attracted to you anymore, and I think I’m developing feelings for somebody else’; whatever the reason….these examples, when considered in a rational mind-set are clear ‘the end’ (at least for now) type reasons, and more coherent than I usually get.

So you are heartbroken, but you accept the dumping and leave with your dignity intact… you get home/put your phone down whatevs…and then…and only THEN can you act as you would boarding a plane with your aviophobia; you plane-phobic wuss…just not in front of your ex.  You cannot shiver, shake and projectile vomit in front of your ex, OK?  Not sassy, NOT CLASSY… Owwww kaaaay?

Your ex has given you a perfectly good reason as to why they can’t be with you anymore.  YES THEY HAVE!!  They’ve explained to you that at this point in their life they want something very different from what you want.  For them not to fulfill their dreams would be unfair on them and for them to ask you to await their return or wait for them to dump the soon to be new playmate would be unfair on both of y’us.  So the explanations are in both instances 'present' and they are 'clear as Evian' dumping reasons; the writing is on the wall…

…you’ve had the synopsis and you know where you stand!  YES. YOU DO.  YOU STAND IN DUMPSVILLE.  But do you feel that the emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved? 

I doubt it!  I doubt it very, very much.  Because this is an emotional and traumatic time for you and will continue to be in the days, weeks, months to come – you’ve just been dumped…sorry to remind you! 

So now what do you want from this particular ex?  What?...  Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you?…  Oh…you haven’t had ‘Closure’ yet?...  The dumping examples I gave do not amount to your ex giving you enough?  Enough what?  Time?  Energy?  Explanation?  Words? to enable ‘Closure’ to be executed.  Right!  Hmmm, so what constitutes Closure then and how does your ex succeed here?

More words on the same subject where the conclusion will still be the same?  How can your ex give you any more than what has already been said?  They’ve explained themselves; their reasons are valid (and shitty maybe, but also valid), what else is left for them to say so that you can rise up into the Nirvana that is Closure? 

Closure is not going to be handed to you on a plate princess and especially not by your ex no matter how the dumping/aftermath went…and this is because, it is not your ex’s job to provide ‘closure’.  Closure is all on you babes.  Closure has to come from within you.  You’re the closer of the Closure.  To ‘Close. That. Shit. Down’ (read that whilst thinking about Negan swinging Lucile around ‘Walking Dead’ fans) is on your shoulders.  

You’re responsible for closing the chapter, closing the door, closing the damn relationship out from your ‘now’ from your ‘future’….gone….pffft.  You need to CLOSE DOWN ALL DAMN HOPE THAT YOUR EX CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH YOUR PRECIOUS CLOSURE.  You are not going to reach that feeling of resolution of the dumping until you process your thoughts and feelings and GIVE THE GIFT OF CLOSURE TO YOURSELF…and to get to Closure you have to leave your ex ALONE.  Therein lies the start of the CLOSURE process which you are going to have to navigate without any assistance (translates: hindrance) from your ex.

I never believe anybody who says THIS after a dumping…‘oh, but I just need Closure from him/her – I just want to understand why s/he did it – I feel blindsided, everything was going so well and if my ex would just give me Closure, I would be fine, I could move on merrily along…Closure, Closure, CLOSURE is needed before I can move on’.

Nope…I don’t believe a word of THAT CAUSE IT’S NELLY NONSENSE.  Not one damn word do I believe of that rhubarb. 

When people who are in a breakup situation are banging on about the importance of getting ‘Closure from an ex’, what they ACTUALLY want is the opportunity to meet/talk/contact the blasted ex and dissect the breakup with said ex and open up dialogue to be able to persuade, force, manipulate, argue with Ex that the dumping decision was the wrong decision and beg for another chance.   They use the word ‘Closure’ to their ex as a manipulation tactic…a way to make them feel bad for not giving them a final opportunity to beg for ONE. MORE. CHANCE.

So the Closure that the dumpee SAYS THEY WANT is never going to be enough, or clear enough or detailed enough or enough of enough or bloody well CLOSED ENOUGH and ENOUGH ALREADY….!  The dumper can sit there all day, all week, for the rest of eternity going over the same shit (which is what a Closure Chaser would have them do if they could, btw).  The same explanations said in different ways, digging deeper, emotionally-reasoning (which is the exact opposite of rationally reasoning) and it will still never be enough for the ‘I WANT CLOSURE DEMAND’ you have cursed upon them. 

...And when the dumper actually entertains the Closure talk...oh my God...a good old dose of dumpee-spiraling is on the cards.  The more the dumper is explaining, the more the dumpee is persisting and the dumper is just getting irritated and the dumpee is just getting more desperate, and it’s failing, but it’s already a mess so the dumpee just goes on and on, pushes and pushes and pushes, because the Closure is only going to be good enough when the dumper’s mind is changed and agrees to take the Closure Chaser back. 

BINGO!  HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD THERE DIDN’T I?

Let me **near enough** re-quote THAT… ‘CLOSURE IS ONLY GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH WHEN THE DUMPER CHANGES THEIR MIND AND AGREES TO TAKE **YOU** BACK’…because you never ask for closure from an ex you’re not really that bothered about do you?  You don’t ask for closure from somebody you just naturally drift apart from?  Nope!  You always want Closure from the one you’re still pining after.  The one you’re still in love with.  The one you like more than they like you.  So you want ‘Closure’ in the form of ‘Your Ex Back’.

…THAT is the only ‘Closure’ that a Closure Chaser is looking for and is interested in.  You want Closure to come in the form of another chance with THAT ex who is trying their hardest (or not) to offer ‘Closure’ in any old form they can muster.  And it’s all very confusing for the dumper because the ‘GIVE ME CLOSURE THING’ is impossible for them to navigate.  And as a result they are putting their spin on what Closure is (which is not the offering of a second chance that you want) just to get you off their back...so they try to explain themselves in order to give a satisfactory answer to what they 'think' your version of Closure is and make a bloody hell mess of it in the process.  It’s like asking them to do a backwards somersault whilst downing a pint in a swimming pool. 

It’s not going to happen…it’s an impossibility…and it’s going to get emotionallllll!!!!!!

Rather than saying ‘I just want Closure – give me all that Closure’ you might as well be honest and say ‘I want one more last ditch desperate attempt to force you to marry me.  Give me that marriage and then when we’re on our honeymoon, we’ll call it ‘Closure’ then’…cause that’s what you really want Closure to look like, if you’re honest…and we’re all about honesty here…you want this thing that is ‘Closure’ to look remarkably like ‘reconciliation’…and if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck…then ‘reconciliation’ is the very convincing duck that’s currently quacking for its life.

When I am dumped, I know what’s good for me.  I want out of the exchange as quickly as possible, even if I don’t really understand why I’m being dumped.  I’ve given you a fun little example of a dumping text I received from one of my exes and I'm sure you’ll see how wrong this could have gone IF I’d been a Closure Chaser; I’d have ended up fucked up in the head AGAIN…It’s linked  HERE, you can read if you like or carry on reading these ramblings if my experience doesn't interest you...no offence taken!  

I HAVE done the ‘I need closure’ shit once.  I told you that at the beginning.  Just once mind…because I learnt my lesson.  And when I typed into my phone the ‘I Just Want Closure’ text-sentence that I then stupidly sent to my ex, my subconscious was all like…’erm.  But when I say ‘Closure’ I mean that I want to, am going to, am committed to changing your mind.  I want to talk you into taking me back.  I want to disagree with all of your reasons for not wanting to be with me anymore and I want you to have an epiphany and be like…OH MY GOD…YOU ARE SO RIGHT…WE ARE PuurrrFECT TOGETHER…LET’S GET MARRIED…RIGHT NOW...BY PROXY IS FINE'.  And what actually happened was THIS

And if you don’t want to read the ins and outs of THAT…I’ll surmise and say I bloody well made a right nelly-numpty out of myself; so Mr Rwanda Honduras (Mr R. H.) as I’m calling him from now on (sorry ‘Rwanda’, sorry ‘Honduras’) has always got THAT ‘crazy ex’ story to tell about me should he run out of conversation at the pub one night.  Actually, he’s probably doing better than Tolkien because I’m betting that I am not the only crazy little hobbit he’s created – the pickle that he was.

Anyway, time to get real…Closure A feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved…’ is NOT, NEVER CAN BE AND NEVER WILL BE capable of being given to you by anybody other than yourself.  The last person that can give you Closure is that ex…but THIS too…it’s not your ex’s job to even attempt it…it’s a bad idea for both parties concerned.

Getting to the point where ‘Closure’ has occurred will take everything but conversation(s), meeting(s), text(s), email(s), CONTACT with your ex.  Closure will take time.  Contact with your ex to discuss Closure will cause you PAIN, HARM and DAMAGE – it will delay Closure.  It will take strength not to ask for Closure from your ex (cause if you're honest it’s not Closure you’re seeking but another chance to change their stubborn goddamn mind) and it will ultimately only come when you’ve processed your feelings, rationalised the situation and realise that you have healed and are ready to move on…no part of that will come from any word or action your ex can give you EVER…any further words s/he has for you after ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’ are unnecessary, redundant and probably have the ability to damage your mental health. 

I’ve said this before in a different post, but in case you don’t know it took me eight years…EIGHT WASTED YEARS…to get over ‘Mr R. H.’ and this is because I thought he was responsible for giving me Closure.   And I damn well held him responsible for giving me this…I placed that responsibility onto HIM to give ME that.  I gave him a massive responsibility there didn’t I?  

This absolute abhorrent human being (I call him that not because he dumped me, but because he actually is just THAT) was responsible for giving me Closure?  I was mistaken…I thought he was the Closure Giver and I the Closure Receiver.  So I was actively waiting for him to give me what I needed to get on with MY life all wrapped up tied with a pretty bow; it took me seven years to realise I had to give Closure to MYSELF and a further year to do it….and you don’t have eight seconds to spare waiting for your ex to even try to make a sucky attempt at ‘Closure’, let alone eight bloody years. 

Now get up, off your ass and close your own effing door on this ex and then comment below about what you think about THIS situation.  The one where you are never going to seek out or expect to be given ‘Closure’ in its ‘pure form’ or ‘Closure’ in its ‘pretend form’ by an ex ever again…if you like…BUT PLEASE DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER…because that’s all I am…A MESSENGER AND ADVOCATE OF NOT SCREWING YOURSELF OVER ALL FOR THE SAKE OF SOMETHING YOUR EX IS JUST NOT EQUIPPED TO GIVE YOU…AND ACTUALLY SOMETHING YOU MUST FIND WITHIN YOUR OWN SELF.  The quicker you can come to terms with THAT, the quicker you will have your Closure.

Come on...comment below, do you hate me or have I converted you?!

TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY


Thursday, 21 March 2019

I THOUGHT THE RAC WAS STALKING ME BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THE AA...






My latest ex (‘The Keeper’, who dumped me) allegedly has a management position at the RAC AA (if this company does not exist in your country, it deals with roadside-vehicle-breakdown type stuff).  So I’m finding the following quite odd; very disconcerting.  Because I think the RAC AA is now stalking me.  It’s literally everywhere I turn.  If I’m on my way to work they’re assisting some poor bugger whose car has broken down in the middle of the carriageway whilst steam spews out of the engine like dry ice.  RAC AA advertising, products and propaganda is EVERYWHERE.  If there’s a second Brexit referendum vote, I’m going to amend the ballot card; replace ‘Leave’ with ‘RAC’ 'AA' and tick THAT as my casted vote…I AM THAT BRAINWASHED. 
    
Anyway, I don’t know what is going on here!  Is this a sign that my ex is thinking about me?  A sign that my ex is going to bankrupt the RAC AA by pouring all of its company resources into tracking my every move?  Is he instrumental in coordinating a very grand old hammer-and-tongs ‘DON’T FORGET ME; I’M STILL HERE’ campaign directed solely at me and has the entire company’s employees doing his dirty work?  Or is it just pure coincidence?

My head is going to explode if I see any further reference to the RAC AA…it’s crept in slowly over the last four to six weeks.  It started with the odd RAC AA vehicle sighting here and there, but now it’s escalated…FAST.  And this is no word of a lie; my RAC AA week has looked like this:

RAC - AA-Thursday:           Right in front of my eyes, whilst waiting at traffic lights of a busy four way junction two RAC AA vans came from opposite directions.  As they came towards each other, both drivers were honking the shit out of their honkers and waving to the other as they passed side by side right in the middle of the junction – it was like the red arrows only with vans; and there were two driver-pilots involved, not nine…but the synchronicity was spot on!  On the way home from work an RAC AA vehicle was towing an old banger with remarkable skill.

RAC AA-Friday:                Stopped at my local convenience store where the biggest RAC AA flat-bed-thingie-lorry I have ever seen was recovering two vans that had collided.  Also passed two smaller RAC AA vehicles and later spotted roadside assistance, kindly being administered by the RAC AA.

RAC AA-Saturday:           RAC AA flyer pushed through the front door and also had to swerve to avoid hitting an RAC AA van on a local country lane cause it was driving too bloody fast and taking up the whole road.  



Opened my post and received a card from a friend.  It was a generic card sent to all of his friends confirming his new address which is out in the sticks.  Attached to it was a computer generated RAC AA route finder print-out directing us all how to reach his house from his nearest town.  Are my friends in on this too?

                                   RAC AA-Sunday:        Opened the clingfilm stuff around the Sunday newspapers and out spews an RAC AA flyer, letting me know about their best offers.  Is The Independent in on the stalking?  On the way out and back I passed four RAC AA vans.

                                   RAC AA-Monday:       Checked ‘Go Compare…Go Compare’ as my car insurance is due…RAC AA right up there as the number one cheapest option for my car.  There are hundreds of insurance companies about, but no…the RAC AA has the best deal for me?   Also received yet another RAC AA flyer through the front door and passed three RAC AA vehicles on my travels.  



RAC AA-Tuesday:            Visited my local Tesco (equivalent of Walmart, dear USA reader(s)).  I’ve not so much as stepped through the doors and I’ve got an RAC AA representative in my face.  He’s telling me about all their great services…Yeah mate…I already know… He’s trying to sign me up (or obtain proof to take back to my ex at headquarters in the form of my name in my own handwriting with signature?) to show that he’s done his job for the day.  Does he get a bonus or a promotion if he can attach forensic weight to the fact that he engaged with me and can categorically demonstrate that? 

RAC AA-Wednesday:      Crawled along 40 miles of motorway road works, which took around two hours, with an RAC AA driving school car in the next lane for the entire duration.  Got to work and was handed a bundle of papers with an RAC AA letter addressed ‘To Whom  It May Concern’ on the top of the pile.  Passed five RAC AA cars on my way to the shops and back and then whilst speaking with a neighbour she informed me that her husband was now roadside assistance, working for the RAC AA.  I can see his RAC AA car parked on the drive from my hall window.  I swear there’s a dash-cam in there; pointing at me!
 
Suddenly, broken down cars are trending, but only ones where the drivers have RAC AA coverage?  …and I want to know, where did the AA Green Flag go? 

And RAC AA route planner?…what happened to Google Maps?

And RAC AA insurance cover?…what happened to Churchill; oh Yesssssss?

And RAC AA stands in supermarkets?…what happened to the Sallie Army? 

And RAC AA driving instructors?...  what happened to BSM?

And RAC AA letters at work?… why am I being handed totally-irrelevant-RAC AA-shit?

And RAC AA employee-neighbours?…has the RAC AA suddenly achieved worldwide domination and become the ONLY company recruiting new staff?

Those are the questions I want answered!!!  Preferably by the RAC AA!

I mean????  That’s in the past week!  I’ve never seen more RAC AA paraphernalia and RAC AA aid being administered this past week than in my entire life.  It just won’t stop.  It’s like an RAC AA epidemic and it’s spreading and it’s unstoppable, like wild fire.  Before meeting my ex I actually thought the RAC AA could be defunct, because I hadn’t seen or heard anything about them in the last 15 years of my life.

Am I thinking about this too deeply?  Over analysing the shit out of it?  What’s actually going on here? 
And I’ve just realised that RAC 'AA' spells 'AA' ‘car’ backwards – that’s clever of them – great marketing from the get go…and am I the dumbest person in the world because I had never realised THAT obvious fact before just now?  Let me never apply to be a Countdown contestant; it’s taken me all of my adult years to realise a three two letter anagram!

It’s a good job I’m not easily triggered!  It’s a good job that letters written in this order 'A. A' ‘R. A. C.’ do not trigger my emotions enough to make me want to contact my ex!  Can you imagine?  His phone would be blowing up back there at RAC HQ or whichever the hell branch he works at.  I feel as though the world is conspiring against me right now.  Really testing my patience, strength and resolve not to contact him.  I need to take my own advice and read THIS...

…OK…all better now!

Before I go to sleep (to dream about the bloody RAC AA which has actually started happening)…I have a question for you all….

'Do you think this RAC AA-spotting-stuff is a sign that my ex is thinking about me?’  

OH MY GOD…KIDDING…DO NOT ANSWER THAT! 

The real question is:  ‘Do you think I should take out RAC AA car insurance cover (given it’s the cheapest), or the second option, which is slightly more expensive but offers free complimentary breakdown cover from…the RA fuckin’ C? AA'?!!!  

You can let me know, if you so feel inclined, in the comments below…and has this kind of total-coincidental-type-of-shit ever happened to you?  

FOOTNOTE - this post initially made reference to my ex being an employee of the RAC...I felt that this post promoted the RAC because of all the products I kindly referred to...I asked them to reciprocate the advertising favour...but they didn't respond...these 'responders' apparently do not respond...so, I'm AA all the way now...my efforts to engage the RAC are photographed below...and AA...don't let me down!

































































































































































TOUGH LOVE.EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY


MOVED TO www.breakupmakeupwakeup.blog

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