Wednesday, 27 February 2019

NO CONTACT - WHAT IT IS, WHAT IT ISN'T, WHAT IT MEANS AND HOW IT'S DONE





'No contact' really is a very simple concept; I’ve broken it down into easy-to-follow, bite-sized steps:

·         You are on the receiving end of a dumping - your ex just catapulted you off the surface of Venus, you’re heading back down to Earth – you don’t want to go but the force of the catapult gave you no choice.  You’ve accepted that your time on Venus is up because your ex wants to enjoy the planet without you.  You’re off Venus quick as a flash, no drama.  You are now seconds into ‘No Contact – not contacting your ex who broke up with you’…and maintaining 'it' (and your dignity) entails this:

·         You do not tell your ex you are ‘doing no contact’....you just DON’T!  To your ex this will sound childish and stupid and telling them this is a manipulation tactic which could backfire.  If I was told by the person I was dumping/I’d dumped that they were ‘going into no contact’ my response would be ‘Yeah, I’ve just dumped you so that’s exactly what you should be doing…Please.’

·         You made a dignified exit (metaphorically, you fluttered back down to Earth landing on your tiptoes) or if your exit was not so dignified (and metaphorically you plunged like a sack of shit and landed flat on your tail bone with a great big thud, OK…well not ‘OK’ really, but…) keep reading anyway so that you are prepared for next time!

·         You now delete your and your ex’s chat history (texts, Whatsapp messages, emails the lot) – you don’t want to live in the past by reading those pesky messages – you be doing this IMMEDIATELY: delete.delete.delete – quick as a flash: don’t hesitate - like ripping off plasters or plucking your eyebrows because the sooner those messages are gone the quicker the pain will stop – those messages once meant something (in the moment they were sent in the context of a hopefully good relationship) but now will hinder the healing process if you are so inclined to want to read them over and over and over and over and …….so now you can’t.

·         You ‘unfollow’ them on FB and whatever the correct version of this is on Instagram and all the other social media sites on which you are both active and ‘virtually’ joined.  Don’t delete them – it will appear ‘emotional’ – you can do this months’ down the line when you are having a social media spring clean and deleting en-mass.

·         You DO NOT initiate ANY FORM of contact with your ex for ANY.REASON that you or anyone else can think of – Key words here: ANY FORM, ANY REASON – DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT.  I've done a post dedicated to 'When Should the Dumpee Initiate Contact With The Dumper?'; the link is HERE.

·         You do not stalk, like, comment on, look at their/their family/friends’ social media.  That shit is no longer your damn concern; and for your amusement this is the LINK for what happened to me when I couldn't keep my big snout out.

·         You do not conspire to go where they are going, but if you think you may at some point organically and naturally bump into them, DO be prepared and read THIS  if you so desire.

·         You process your thoughts, feelings and emotions in private/here with me(!) and/or likeminded people on this blog/with your family and/or friends and/or therapists/professionals and away from your ex/your ex’s family and/or their friends and/or any mutual friends whose loyalty lies with your ex.

·         You heal and get on with your life.

·         You strive to DO better, BE better and FIND better.

·         You let your ex get on with their own life and lead it as they see fit with whomsoever they see fit: it is their life to live, don’t ya’ know and if they don’t want you in it, quite simply that’s IT.  ACCEPT.  DONE.  OVER.  OR…

·         THEY eventually contact YOU with intentions that to the best of your belief are genuine and you re-engage and live together happily ever after or you tell them they are too late and you’ve moved on…whichever you decide.

It’s so simple, isn’t it?  Actually, that isn’t a question, it’s FACT.  I’ll rephrase: IT IS SO SIMPLE, at least the concept is...  

…However!  A lot of what I’ve been reading online recently particularly in breakup threads and forums is people desperately thinking that ‘no contact’ is some kind of ‘contract’ where if they could only find a ‘loophole’ (translates: ‘excuse’) then they could use it to justify breaking the contract (translates: justify making contact with the dumper).  They try to conjure up reasons so as to separate themselves from every other person who is experiencing a breakup so that they can be that one dumpee who really should/must initiate contact with their dumper. 

There are threads and threads of folk trying to set their broken relationship situation apart from all other breakup situations with a ‘my situation is different because,,,^ insert nonsense reason here^...so it is very important that I CONTACT MY EX WHO DUMPED ME…ISN’T IT??!!’.  And their anxiety demands that others within the community-threads support this stupid idea – the poster is waiting for one response of ‘Yes, your situation is different, and hell yeah you should immediately contact your ex.  Do it.  Right now!’ .  And when this response comes that the person who gave the response is sure as hell thinking ‘And let us know how it goes so that when your ex gives you mere breadcrumbs we will be inspired to find our own loophole (excuse) to justify making contact as well cause we want in on those breadcrumbs too’. 

These posters are talking themselves into thinking it is a great idea to contact their ex (when it IS NOT) and passive-aggressively-forcing the community to agree with them that contacting their dumper-ex is the best idea anyone in the world has ever had, and when they do subsequently make that contact, OH.MY.GOD – a horror show ensues.  The crazy just ramps up each time they post – you can feel the ‘frantic’ and it’s just sad; really sad on all levels of ‘SAD’.  Breakups happen for a whole variety of reasons and every situation and person involved IS different.  I DON’T DISPUTE THIS…BUT every breakup has one common denominator which is:




LOW/LESS/LALA CONTACT???? - often abbreviated to (LC) I believe?

Low/Less contact I assume means that you're still in contact but not as much?  Right!  I'll offer seven sentences of insight on this (which is five more than I intended) because the concept is ‘DUMB AS’ where children, finances and working together are NOT involved...

You're still irritating but just not as often!  Sorry but you're comparable to wasps in Summer or a random car alarm going off at night every few days - you're unpredictable and that’s an additional annoyance.  You’re still there buzzing around, being available and stringing YOURSELF along - not cool.  You're either all in or you have ruled yourself RIGHT OUT of having another chance at a healthy-relationship with your ex and of healing in the quickest time possible.  

You're staying in an unhealthy mind-set AND IT'S ALL YOUR OWN DOING.  And to top it off, you are making your ex feel less attracted to you EVERY TIME YOU OR YOUR ‘less frequent’ MESSAGES/CALLS etc POP UP because…you’re still INNNNNN contact – sporadically too to boot!   Contacting your ex less frequently is NOT being ‘not in contact with your ex’, so don’t pat yourself on the back if that’s what you’re doing right now; oh and reduce ‘low/less’ to ‘NONE – you’re now seconds into Day One of doing what you should have done from the moment your ex attached you to that catapult.



WHAT ‘NO CONTACT’ IS ‘NOT’
  •  It is not for exes who share (minor or dependent) children or those with finances to sort (until they are sorted) or those who work together.
  • Once again, it is not a contract and there are no loopholes – the moment the dumper made you the dumpee you work on the principal that you are never getting the dumper back and you will never initiate contact with this person ever again (translates: to you they are PFFFFFT – gone).
  • It is not a game.
  • It is not a manipulation tactic. 
  • It is not to punish your ex who has actually done you a favour because being dumped I’m afraid is better than being in a relationship where at least one of you is not happy.
  • If you are the dumper it is not to use on the dumpee as an ego trip or if you want them back. 
  •  It is not a guaranteed way of getting your ex back.  Fun fact: there are no guarantees in life besides death.

JUST ONE FINAL NOTE ON 'NO CONTACT' which you now know means in its’ purest form 'not initiating contact with anyone who indicates through their words and/or actions that they do not want you in their life'...

When you google-search 'breakups', 'no contact', 'what to do after a breakup' whatever key words best describe how you feel in the hope of finding information to 'get your ex back' there are pages and pages of exploitative tat, some of which costs a shed load of cash to access.  Some of these sites tell you that 'No Contact' is for a certain period of time and when this time passes you need to be prepared and have a solid plan of attack, in the form of a….TEXT MESSAGE or an EMAIL and you need very specific advice from this expensive tat with that attack in order to GET THAT EX COME CRAWLING BACK.  Apparently you need help to put a TEXT MESSAGE together(!) REALLY?  What to say?  What to do?  What to say and do when initiating contact with somebody who dumped YOU?  Do you get that?  You’re being advised to initiate contact with somebody who dumped you after waiting for a random pulled out the sky number of days by texting them utter shite.  COME ON!  See this for WHAT.IT.IS.  

Don't be manipulated, don't be conned, don't buy into what this is, which is somebody/some organisation trying to cash in on your emotional struggles.  And what it is is pure exploitation targeted at people who are running on empty and behaving irrationally.  PLEASE DON'T BE MANIPULATED.  Protect your heart and your wallet otherwise you will end up suffering further humiliation, further disappointment and an unhealthy bank balance.  Don't ever act on or make decisions (especially where matters of the heart and money is concerned) when your emotions are heightened (apart from deleting all chat off your phone at the outset of a breakup, as covered earlier).  Dating Guy has brilliant content on this subject should you need further convincing.  I've shared a link HERE.  

The only thing you can do is to work on getting ‘Your Self’ back - but you have to put the work in and if you get your ex back in doing so GREAT (IF their intentions are genuine and what they want matches what you want).  Not contacting you ex is not primarily about getting them back; it's secondary to getting YOU back.  YOU FIRST.  THEM SECOND, IF AT ALL.

What's your definition/experience of not contacting your ex?  Spill in the comments below, I'd love to know!

                                                                                         TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.






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