Wednesday, 27 February 2019

NO CONTACT - WHAT IT IS, WHAT IT ISN'T, WHAT IT MEANS AND HOW IT'S DONE





'No contact' really is a very simple concept; I’ve broken it down into easy-to-follow, bite-sized steps:

·         You are on the receiving end of a dumping - your ex just catapulted you off the surface of Venus, you’re heading back down to Earth – you don’t want to go but the force of the catapult gave you no choice.  You’ve accepted that your time on Venus is up because your ex wants to enjoy the planet without you.  You’re off Venus quick as a flash, no drama.  You are now seconds into ‘No Contact – not contacting your ex who broke up with you’…and maintaining 'it' (and your dignity) entails this:

·         You do not tell your ex you are ‘doing no contact’....you just DON’T!  To your ex this will sound childish and stupid and telling them this is a manipulation tactic which could backfire.  If I was told by the person I was dumping/I’d dumped that they were ‘going into no contact’ my response would be ‘Yeah, I’ve just dumped you so that’s exactly what you should be doing…Please.’

·         You made a dignified exit (metaphorically, you fluttered back down to Earth landing on your tiptoes) or if your exit was not so dignified (and metaphorically you plunged like a sack of shit and landed flat on your tail bone with a great big thud, OK…well not ‘OK’ really, but…) keep reading anyway so that you are prepared for next time!

·         You now delete your and your ex’s chat history (texts, Whatsapp messages, emails the lot) – you don’t want to live in the past by reading those pesky messages – you be doing this IMMEDIATELY: delete.delete.delete – quick as a flash: don’t hesitate - like ripping off plasters or plucking your eyebrows because the sooner those messages are gone the quicker the pain will stop – those messages once meant something (in the moment they were sent in the context of a hopefully good relationship) but now will hinder the healing process if you are so inclined to want to read them over and over and over and over and …….so now you can’t.

·         You ‘unfollow’ them on FB and whatever the correct version of this is on Instagram and all the other social media sites on which you are both active and ‘virtually’ joined.  Don’t delete them – it will appear ‘emotional’ – you can do this months’ down the line when you are having a social media spring clean and deleting en-mass.

·         You DO NOT initiate ANY FORM of contact with your ex for ANY.REASON that you or anyone else can think of – Key words here: ANY FORM, ANY REASON – DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT.  I've done a post dedicated to 'When Should the Dumpee Initiate Contact With The Dumper?'; the link is HERE.

·         You do not stalk, like, comment on, look at their/their family/friends’ social media.  That shit is no longer your damn concern; and for your amusement this is the LINK for what happened to me when I couldn't keep my big snout out.

·         You do not conspire to go where they are going, but if you think you may at some point organically and naturally bump into them, DO be prepared and read THIS  if you so desire.

·         You process your thoughts, feelings and emotions in private/here with me(!) and/or likeminded people on this blog/with your family and/or friends and/or therapists/professionals and away from your ex/your ex’s family and/or their friends and/or any mutual friends whose loyalty lies with your ex.

·         You heal and get on with your life.

·         You strive to DO better, BE better and FIND better.

·         You let your ex get on with their own life and lead it as they see fit with whomsoever they see fit: it is their life to live, don’t ya’ know and if they don’t want you in it, quite simply that’s IT.  ACCEPT.  DONE.  OVER.  OR…

·         THEY eventually contact YOU with intentions that to the best of your belief are genuine and you re-engage and live together happily ever after or you tell them they are too late and you’ve moved on…whichever you decide.

It’s so simple, isn’t it?  Actually, that isn’t a question, it’s FACT.  I’ll rephrase: IT IS SO SIMPLE, at least the concept is...  

…However!  A lot of what I’ve been reading online recently particularly in breakup threads and forums is people desperately thinking that ‘no contact’ is some kind of ‘contract’ where if they could only find a ‘loophole’ (translates: ‘excuse’) then they could use it to justify breaking the contract (translates: justify making contact with the dumper).  They try to conjure up reasons so as to separate themselves from every other person who is experiencing a breakup so that they can be that one dumpee who really should/must initiate contact with their dumper. 

There are threads and threads of folk trying to set their broken relationship situation apart from all other breakup situations with a ‘my situation is different because,,,^ insert nonsense reason here^...so it is very important that I CONTACT MY EX WHO DUMPED ME…ISN’T IT??!!’.  And their anxiety demands that others within the community-threads support this stupid idea – the poster is waiting for one response of ‘Yes, your situation is different, and hell yeah you should immediately contact your ex.  Do it.  Right now!’ .  And when this response comes that the person who gave the response is sure as hell thinking ‘And let us know how it goes so that when your ex gives you mere breadcrumbs we will be inspired to find our own loophole (excuse) to justify making contact as well cause we want in on those breadcrumbs too’. 

These posters are talking themselves into thinking it is a great idea to contact their ex (when it IS NOT) and passive-aggressively-forcing the community to agree with them that contacting their dumper-ex is the best idea anyone in the world has ever had, and when they do subsequently make that contact, OH.MY.GOD – a horror show ensues.  The crazy just ramps up each time they post – you can feel the ‘frantic’ and it’s just sad; really sad on all levels of ‘SAD’.  Breakups happen for a whole variety of reasons and every situation and person involved IS different.  I DON’T DISPUTE THIS…BUT every breakup has one common denominator which is:




LOW/LESS/LALA CONTACT???? - often abbreviated to (LC) I believe?

Low/Less contact I assume means that you're still in contact but not as much?  Right!  I'll offer seven sentences of insight on this (which is five more than I intended) because the concept is ‘DUMB AS’ where children, finances and working together are NOT involved...

You're still irritating but just not as often!  Sorry but you're comparable to wasps in Summer or a random car alarm going off at night every few days - you're unpredictable and that’s an additional annoyance.  You’re still there buzzing around, being available and stringing YOURSELF along - not cool.  You're either all in or you have ruled yourself RIGHT OUT of having another chance at a healthy-relationship with your ex and of healing in the quickest time possible.  

You're staying in an unhealthy mind-set AND IT'S ALL YOUR OWN DOING.  And to top it off, you are making your ex feel less attracted to you EVERY TIME YOU OR YOUR ‘less frequent’ MESSAGES/CALLS etc POP UP because…you’re still INNNNNN contact – sporadically too to boot!   Contacting your ex less frequently is NOT being ‘not in contact with your ex’, so don’t pat yourself on the back if that’s what you’re doing right now; oh and reduce ‘low/less’ to ‘NONE – you’re now seconds into Day One of doing what you should have done from the moment your ex attached you to that catapult.



WHAT ‘NO CONTACT’ IS ‘NOT’
  •  It is not for exes who share (minor or dependent) children or those with finances to sort (until they are sorted) or those who work together.
  • Once again, it is not a contract and there are no loopholes – the moment the dumper made you the dumpee you work on the principal that you are never getting the dumper back and you will never initiate contact with this person ever again (translates: to you they are PFFFFFT – gone).
  • It is not a game.
  • It is not a manipulation tactic. 
  • It is not to punish your ex who has actually done you a favour because being dumped I’m afraid is better than being in a relationship where at least one of you is not happy.
  • If you are the dumper it is not to use on the dumpee as an ego trip or if you want them back. 
  •  It is not a guaranteed way of getting your ex back.  Fun fact: there are no guarantees in life besides death.

JUST ONE FINAL NOTE ON 'NO CONTACT' which you now know means in its’ purest form 'not initiating contact with anyone who indicates through their words and/or actions that they do not want you in their life'...

When you google-search 'breakups', 'no contact', 'what to do after a breakup' whatever key words best describe how you feel in the hope of finding information to 'get your ex back' there are pages and pages of exploitative tat, some of which costs a shed load of cash to access.  Some of these sites tell you that 'No Contact' is for a certain period of time and when this time passes you need to be prepared and have a solid plan of attack, in the form of a….TEXT MESSAGE or an EMAIL and you need very specific advice from this expensive tat with that attack in order to GET THAT EX COME CRAWLING BACK.  Apparently you need help to put a TEXT MESSAGE together(!) REALLY?  What to say?  What to do?  What to say and do when initiating contact with somebody who dumped YOU?  Do you get that?  You’re being advised to initiate contact with somebody who dumped you after waiting for a random pulled out the sky number of days by texting them utter shite.  COME ON!  See this for WHAT.IT.IS.  

Don't be manipulated, don't be conned, don't buy into what this is, which is somebody/some organisation trying to cash in on your emotional struggles.  And what it is is pure exploitation targeted at people who are running on empty and behaving irrationally.  PLEASE DON'T BE MANIPULATED.  Protect your heart and your wallet otherwise you will end up suffering further humiliation, further disappointment and an unhealthy bank balance.  Don't ever act on or make decisions (especially where matters of the heart and money is concerned) when your emotions are heightened (apart from deleting all chat off your phone at the outset of a breakup, as covered earlier).  Dating Guy has brilliant content on this subject should you need further convincing.  I've shared a link HERE.  

The only thing you can do is to work on getting ‘Your Self’ back - but you have to put the work in and if you get your ex back in doing so GREAT (IF their intentions are genuine and what they want matches what you want).  Not contacting you ex is not primarily about getting them back; it's secondary to getting YOU back.  YOU FIRST.  THEM SECOND, IF AT ALL.

What's your definition/experience of not contacting your ex?  Spill in the comments below, I'd love to know!

                                                                                         TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.






Sunday, 17 February 2019

SEEING YOUR EX WITH THEIR NEW PLAYMATE




...they aren’t (or shouldn’t be) in your life anymore and therefore not your concern (RIGHT?); but it is hard, because you’d have to be well into the healing process for it not to sting even just a little bit, so I’ll entertain this topic as best as I can.

...I don’t have any exes where it would ‘bother’ me if I saw them with a new partner be it on social media (you can have a look at an instance HERE though when I really, bloody well was bothered) or with them in person and that’s because I’ve sorted my thought process out which takes work and soul searching.  I wouldn’t have any problem in shaking an ex’s partner’s hand and saying ‘hello’ and being civil and in some instances god forbid friendly.  That is apart from my most recent ex.  Now, if you haven’t read my last post (which I linked at the beginning of this post), I’ll clarify that this ex was a keeper and he really has been the catalyst of this blog because I felt there was no support out there online to help me through that breakup that I could trust.  

Now, if I saw this last ex out with a new partner it would put a Debbie Downer on my day.  So I’ve considered this and I’m ready for it.  The chances of me bumping into him are extremely remote, so unless I conspire to put myself in his path (which I would NOT ever contemplate doing) this would not happen, but I’m still ready for it just in case remote becomes reality and if remote did become reality I would also in the moment have to deal with ‘intense shock’ which is yet another difficult emotion to process; but even so I know I still handle the situation in a healthy way.

Basically, my latest ex dumped me out of the blue, over the telephone and I accepted his decision and I politely got off the phone quick as.  No one got angry, no one got crazy, no one got blocked and no one is torturing the other by remaining in contact – it’s all good, it’s all healthy, just how we want it (RIGHT?).  I even consulted my coach of preference 'Dating Guy' (I've linked him at the end of this post so you aren't distracted!) for absolute reassurance that I'd done things right.  So if I saw this ex (who I still have strong feelings for) with his new partner I would take a deep breath and I would not go over to them and I would not leave until I was ready to leave (translates as ‘I would not change my plans for another person who is no longer in my life owing to a decision they made’).  

I would sit, stand or lean where I felt most naturally inclined to sit, stand or lean; but obviously not in his peripheral vision – let’s use some sense.  Now if we happened to catch each other’s eye which I would not be going out of my way to do, I would acknowledge him (smile, mouth ‘are you alright?’ or something short that he could nod a ‘yes’ to) and then I would go back to my drink or my conversation or my meal or whatever I was doing – I wouldn’t want him to feel compelled to come over and I wouldn’t really expect him to as from his perspective he doesn’t know how I’m going to react to this situation which he is now quite likely going to be feeling quite uneasy about. 

I also would refrain from telling the person I was with that the ex is in the building until after we left because that would lead to rubber necking and awkwardness if he did indeed come over.  If he did come over I would be polite and upbeat and if he came over with the new lady in his life I would extend being polite and upbeat to her too and if introduced I would offer her my hand to shake.  In my head I’d want to chuck red wine all over her, but it’s never worth wasting a glass of alcohol and even if he’s pulled Margot Robbie – she can afford her own red wine, and she’d definitely wear it over her head looking better than I could ever look wearing it as an accessory, right where it should be, in a glass, in my hand.

I promise you now that this is what I would do.  No word of a lie.  And you’re probably not going to believe me because of how I lost my shit over an almost relationship’s crappy FB photograph [LINK HERE FOR THAT DRAMA]...if you've read that you’re going to be thinking ‘nah, this poor dude would have a steak knife in one eye, a stiletto in the other and his latest Mrs would need new hair extensions at best’.  You’re anticipating that my inner crazy would rear its head and that I’d go all Salma Hayek in Dusk til Dawn.  Well, this image of Salma Hayek is also going to be in the mind of all dumpers when they come face-to-face with a dumpee in this situation, because they can’t rule out out-of-control behaviour given the current mange et tois situation that has presented itself; so I will explain why my inner-Dusk til Dawn Salma Hayek is not coming out if I see my ex with a new lady.

This ex and I had a 'healthy' time together and I have tremendous respect for him which I believe is reciprocated.  I don’t want him to be unhappy and if I make him unhappy then he should not be with me.  FACT.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation at some point, maybe there won’t, BUT, I can safely say that if I did bump into him with a new partner I would have no chance of getting him back if I acted up; and if I were out with a new partner and he acted up, as much as I like him, he would have no chance of getting me back if he ever wanted to do so.   NO CHANCE.  DO NOT ENTERTAIN DRAMA IN YOUR LIFE.  If you act up in front of somebody’s latest partner what you’re doing is you are giving THEM another chance to bond with the new person and a further chance to disconnect from you.  Your ex has probably mentioned you in detail or in passing.  The latest partner will probably know a bit about the breakup if it’s fairly new.  So they will both be expecting a certain version of you – so show them both the absolute best version of you that you can in this given situation. 

Now, if you act up, make one little dig, make one little mistake or worse your ex and their partner will have something to talk about, something to laugh about (i.e. YOU), they will be on the same side, the same page, ‘oh my god, yeah, I see what you mean, you’re right, s/he’s crazy’ blah, blah, blah and then they’ll laugh some more together and your ex will share even more stories of you acting up and then move on to talking about other mad exes; in doing this your ex is validating his/her decision and feeling validation from his/her new partner that s/he ‘done good getting rid of yo’ ass’.  If the new partner acts up or looks jel (but you’ve been polite, smiley and upbeat and you’ve let any snarky looks/comments fly over your head) then your ex is going to get it in the neck at some point later that night (his bad for not choosing more wisely) and that makes the new partner look mentally unstable because all you did was smile and be polite and upbeat and even ignored some uncalled for snarky comment or dirty look, so you get to look classy, and against their unhinged reaction your class is going to be heightened tenfold.  

So your ex is thinking, ‘shit, I dumped a classy one and now look what I’m lumbered with’.  And wait for it when the inevitable break-up comes!  Now, if everybody is civil and polite and upbeat then ok, but if there is ever a chance again in the future for you and your ex to reconcile, at every stage from the breakup exchange onward you have to behave with dignity and respect of your ex’s choice (which they are entitled to make remember) which at this point in their life is not to be with you.         

In terms of social media, all I know is that my latest ex is on at least one of them and I know this because he told me so.  I didn’t seek him out on social media when we were happy together and I’m not going to seek him out now that he’s chosen not to be in my life anymore.  I don’t want what he is doing to cause me anguish – I want him to be happy but I don’t necessarily want to have it pushed in my face on a day-to-day basis and I don’t want to misinterpret or read too much into what he is doing or who he is talking to because this is just a small snap of his otherwise busy life.  I’ve learnt my lesson re: social media stalking the hard way you see and I choose to take it with a pinch of salt; as should you.  You should not be searching for exes that you still have feelings for because you are prolonging the agony and delaying the moving on with your own life process.  Stop obsessing over their lives and start making a better one for yourself.  

If you are FB fwends with an ex that you still have feelings for just ‘unfollow’ them but if you’ve got no self-control and you think you will reach out you’ll have to delete or block them and that isn’t ideal because again it indicates that you are still bothered (angry, sad whatever, indicates ‘bothered’) which you don’t want them to know because it’s not attractive to your ex.  Unfriending/blocking is a bit more attractive than reaching out to the person who dumped you and is now with somebody else, so ‘delete’/’block’ it is, IF you can’t handle your crazy…

Remember this too...




Photographs capture a fleeting moment, what they do not capture is the reality of the situation as a whole.  


So what I’m saying here is this.  You should expect and therefore be ready for your ex to meet somebody new and be ready to deal with it in a healthy way by inwardly processing it and then flat out ignoring it.  Your ex is entitled to move on as quickly as s/he so wishes.  Your ex is entitled to meet other people, date other people and form new relationships WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  AS. ARE. YOU.  And you should meet/date/form new relationships in your own time and at a pace that suits you regardless of the pace your ex is setting in his/her own dating life.  In giving your ex the space to meet other people, perhaps s/he will realise that you actually are the one for him/her after all and if s/he as the dumper does feel that they made a mistake, then let them reach out to you and then act ‘accordingly’ (article on ‘acting accordingly’ to follow at some point) depending on if you want them back or if you’ve moved on.    

For now at least, your ex has decided there are other options out there for him/her to explore – there’s one on his/her arm right now as you’ve just encountered!  Don’t hang around waiting for your ex - you should be seeking out those better matches for yourself just as soon as you’ve worked on any issues that have surfaced during and in the immediate aftermath of the breakup.  Don’t stalk, don’t obsess, don’t deliberately try to manufacture bumping into your ex, but if you do bump into them with their new partner in tow you have to be the most genuine, loveliest, strongest and kick-ass version of yourself you can be, and if you pull that off authentically and not in a contrived, false way, it will reflect positively on you and even your ex will have to agree that in THAT situation you have the ‘IT’ factor and that’s a good thing – it’ll get him/her thinking.  And that’s because you’ve stood out once again in a unique way and for all the right reasons!  You can deal with your shit, a new partner in your ex’s life does not phase you, so you’ve demonstrated again to your ex, in the present of a witness (their new partner) that you are a one off and therefore a high value person.  Most importantly, you have proven to your own self just how strong you really are when the odds were stacked against you keeping your dignity in check.  

What are your experiences of seeing your ex's new playmate?  How did you react?  Were you as crazy as me?  Let me know in the comments below, if you like...

[LINK HERE] to 'Dating Guy' who is getting credit for keeping me sane!

TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.




Friday, 15 February 2019

PREPARE TO SUCCEED IN RELATIONSHIP FAILURE - BE READY FOR THE BREAKUP AND HANDLE IT 'RIGHT'

I’m going to break THIS right down for everybody here, because if you’ve read my Introduction...




...are collectively acting as enablers because the vast majority who post their experiences and those who comment are not putting the work in that a breakup requires.  I’m really not being patronising, at least my intentions are not to patronise or belittle anybody. Breakups are gut wrenchingly hard.  

I’ve written this in such detail to hopefully ensure that we get the basics sorted out and understand how important it is to get through a breakup with your dignity intact…If you honestly and adamantly do not want another chance with your ex and/or you are happy to prolong the healing process, go forth and go as crazy as your crazy desires (criminal activity aside)!

When we are in the throws of a breakup (whether you are male or female), about to be dumped, forcibly transitioned from ‘partner’ to ‘ex’ it is because YOUR-ABOUT-TO-BE-EX DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE or due to external factors CANNOT BE WITH YOU ANYMORE. The key word are 'NOT, CANNOT and ANYMORE.

Whether they are communicating this to you in person (lucky you – cause here’s the ultimate chance to show ‘em what you’re made of), over the telephone, text, email, letter, social media, through a friend, disappearing, morse code, carrier pigeon, I don’t care what, YOU are going to HOLD.YOUR.SHIT. TOGETHER.  You are not going to cry, plead, beg, bribe, offer sexual favours or act in any other way that compromises your self-worth.  A’men.  In an ideal world this would be the end of this post, but I can’t leave it here because from what I’ve been reading all of over the web recently I feel the need to make abundantly clear what NOT holding your shit together actually says about you and what your trying-to-be-ex is going to be witnessing. 
  
So…the breakup came out of leftfield?

Oh no...you’ve been together for 6.75 years?

No way...only yesterday your ex was on their bended knee, location Champ de Mars at the top of La Tour Eiffel proposing marriage to you?

I DON’T CARE – what I do care about is that, no matter what, you are keeping your ‘IT’ together and that is all you should care about too.  You are literally allowed to gasp if you are shooketh, your jaw can momentarily hit the floor or you can frown for a second if you simply don’t understand, BUT THAT IS IT.  Shock and hurt, anger and confusion, frustration and anxiety, fear and fight etc are a few of the very strong emotions that unfortunately you are going to have to experience in that moment [and in the aftermath] and swallow down in order to keep your dignity intact.  The breakup might be unfair a.f. but what you are NOT is a five year old tantrum throwing petulant brat-child.  I’m being brutally honest here and it takes soooo much will power and sooo much self-control and soooo much self-respect and soooo much self-love and soooo much confidence, but you’re going to delve deep, you are going to exhale, pick your jaw up, unfurl the ugly frown on your pretty/handsome face and you’re going to understand this…

At the start of it all you and your partner gravitated towards each other as equals and in open states of mind.  You were both initially unsure whether this would get to relationship stage, things were carefree, no pressure, you connected, you appeared compatible, feelings evolved naturally and organically, you experienced life together and hopefully you supported each other’s needs, wants and desires.  How very attractive you looked to each other back then.  Happy days!   BUT…

…that is no longer the position, quickly process THAT and suck it up buttercup because now THIS is happening…   

During the actual breakup you and the trying-to-be-ex are at opposing ends of the spectrum – polar opposite, freezing/boiling, high/low, black/white and all of the other extremes.   In that moment your trying-to-be-ex does not want to be with you.  FACT.  You are not entering this twilight phase of your relationship on equal footing because one of you (you) still wants the relationship whilst the other (your trying-to-be-ex) does not.  Neither of you are in an open state of mind because you adamantly still want the relationship whilst your about-to-be-ex definitely does not – you’re both closed off to any other outcome than what you individually want, which I’m afraid is not the same thing…you want opposite outcomes - bluntly, your ex wants OUT and you're EVEN MORE IN THAN EVER.  And right there a major part of your connect has broken the hell down…because the fundamental reason for you both being in a relationship is that you ‘mutually’ connect in all aspects of your respective lives, which is not the current state of play. 

Your trying-to-be-ex, who has freedom of will and an actual 'choice' btw, now wants to experience life without you whilst you disagree and as a result of this you are not supportive right now of each other’s needs, wants and desires.  In this particular moment, I am telling you clearly, that your trying-to-be-ex who has told you as much (be it nastily, nicely, indifferently , articulately, inarticulately, cruelly, suddenly, lovingly, angrily etc.) DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.  You are just about the last person in the world that your ex wants to be having any exchange with right now in any form.  Not because s/he has lost all feelings for you or that s/he never actually cared/loved you but because s/he’s having doubts (for whatever reason, valid in your opinion or not), s/he doesn’t want to be with you right now and it’s AWKWARD and it’s STRESSFUL and it’s EMOTIONAL.  Who likes awkward, stressful and emotionally charged conversations/exchanges with someone who is trying to exert their will, their wants, their feelings, their needs and their choices over yours and to the detriment of your happiness? 

Reason(s) behind breakups are limitless.  It could be because you’ve been arguing, they don’t feel that you are compatible, they’ve met somebody else they feel more attracted to, you want different things from life or they just can’t see a future with you or it could be to do with external factors beyond control, such as working long hours, health problems, a death in the family, having to relocate, getting though a messy divorce etc and so their head is not in the game [and if external factors are the only reason for the breakup, it is even more imperative that you keep your shit together because the attraction/connection has not necessarily gone away and circumstances can change, hint hint].

Even if during the breakup your ex did not explicitly tell you or explain themselves to the threshold that meets your approval and let's be real, 'very, very, very anxious scrutiny', the reason(s) why they wish to be your ex, if you’re honest with yourself, nine times out of ten you’re going to be able to have a fairly accurate stab at, but even if you don’t really know or understand and if it appears they made an irrational decision or reacted to something you did or said in the moment, what you are not going to do is fish around for reasons and explanations because you need….groan….’closure’; and what fishing does is only THIS…it prolongs the conversation/exchange and thus the agony, you're giving yourself room (translated as 'time') to get crazy because in your head you are thinking ‘if I can just keep the conversation going they are going to see that they are making a mistake, I can persuade them to give me another chance, I can change their mind’.  WRONG...  

...And if you honestly believe that you ‘just want /need closure - no ulterior motives, honest’ and that’s why you are fishing and prodding around, honestly, get a grip right now.  No matter why or how – the fact is this person does not want to be with you anymore in this moment for their own reason(s) and THAT FACT is all you need to know – nothing else matters.  And I’ll admit THIS.  I prodded around once.  I prodded and I prodded and oh.my.god.did.I.prod.prod.prod.poke. poke.poke and what I found out about this particular ex took me seven or eight years to fully deal with, process and let go.  Seven or eight YEARS because I thought that I wanted to know shit that actually nearly damaged me beyond repair.

During the breakup your about-to-be-ex is in control of the situation and unless you’re not bothered about the relationship and having doubts of your own, you are GOING to feel massively hurt and probably betrayed – I accept that...




...I just want you to be able to demonstrate to yourself and to your ex during this exchange that you can deal with all of these emotions in a healthy stable way as a mentally stable person, as an absolutely kick-ass EXCEPTIONAL person.   What you have to realise is that you have the ultimate control.  YOU have control over the most important thing in the world.  That amazing, important ‘thing’ is ‘YOU’.

YOU are in control of how your ex observes you handle a very stressful situation (i.e. ‘amazing strong' them breaking up with ‘poor lickle ole’ you) – they are watching you, scrutinising you to decide which filing cabinet, right at the front of their brain to put their last memory of you in.  Will it be the ‘PSYCHO EX’ file or ‘I LOST A KEEPER’ file - YOUR choice.

YOU are in control of your dignity.

YOU are in control of your actions.

YOU are in control of standing up for yourself by walking away to heal as fast and as thoroughly as is possible and to find better.

YOU are in control of your destiny going forward; you have no choice but to move forward because back is not an option.

Stick with me here – we’re doing this – and don’t give me no sappy ‘I can’t do it; I’m gonna cry; I need to beg; what if they think I don’t care; I need to tell them ONE. LAST. TIME. JUST. ONE. LAST. TIME that I love them, need them; I need to check that they are sure’ BULLshiiiiiiiit because these are excuses; bad ones at that; they've had all of these responses/reactions (and lets call them what they are which is 'tactics') pulled on them a million times before (I have, so I'm betting YOU have) and I absolutely refuse to accept that you don’t have the strength to be your best self even in this really shit situation.  I managed it and you’re going to manage it.  You’re going to have faith in yourself and you’re going to love yourself so much that as soon as you can get a word/text etc in (because this does not need and SHOULD NOT BE a prolonged angsty conversation/exchange - five to ten minutes MAX) you are going to say something like (albeit in your own words because you’re an individual with your own voice) ‘It’s really sad that we can’t work things out at the moment, but I understand (or I accept your decision) and I hope you find happiness.  Goodbye’.  Exit stage right.  And I mean this,,,STAGE RIGHT, EXIT.  

With every ounce of your being you have got to clamp your lips shut; do not hesitate; hold back the tears; get your coat...bag, whatever and leave quietly and with grace – no stomping or door slamming.  Or put your phone down, delete all chat (but don’t block – that's an emotional knee-jerk of a reaction).  Or turn your computer off.  Or put the break up letter in a draw/better still bin it.  This is how you deal with the breakup. You can release your sadness, angst and rage blah, blah, in your own time with the people who love you (or in solitude) but without your ex spectating from the best seat in the house.  Immediately you are out of their sight/the exchange has finished do what you’ve got to do (apart from reach out to him obvs and I've already covered criminal behaviour being unacceptable).  And I’m going to tell you why you need to do this and what this achieves.

It communicates in no uncertain terms that what you ARE NOT is a doormat.  Doormats are replaceable accessories that people wipe their dirty footwear on (i.e. used, walked over and instantly forgotten). 






Plain and simple!  You need to make sure that YOUR actions are not inviting your ex to think s/he can wipe their dirty feet on you...and I can also tell you this…

When I dump somebody and when I hear of my friends dumping a significant other I’m waiting for the drama with a capital ‘D’ – and it ALWAYS comes – ALWAYS as has been my experience.  I’m thinking ‘oh shit, wait for it’, or in the instance of a friend I’m waiting for the ‘…and then guess what s/he said’ ***eye roll*** or ‘…and then guess what s/he did’ ***chortle***.  I’m waiting for that because invariably one of these things or a mixture of THIS happens….argument, crying, begging, insults, accusations, loss of self-control, anger, desperation, chaos – DRAMA.  DRAMATICS of the highest order all charged with a raw uncontrollable spectrum of every emotion going.   And in trying to find instances online where somebody/anybody has actually had the goddamn sense to JUST TRY to handle a break up with dignity (i.e. by acting in the manner I have suggested above) it is clear that there is a minority of people out there that are able to actually execute this.  So lookie here!  In being able to do this to the absolute tee you have done something quite unique that appears to rarely happen these days.  The quite unique thing is that YOU’VE managed to ‘do UNIQUE’ – and this will not have gone unnoticed!  You have set yourself apart from the mad ‘uns and all of their ‘crazy’ exes that have come and gone pre-you and that are bound to come and go post-you.  

This is massive – your ex is now making a new file at the front of their brain for you under ‘Exceptional!’.  Your ex is going to admire your strength of character; because that is exactly what it is and even your ex will have to agree – you’ve received a dumping and you’ve kept yourself together and THAT IS ADMIRABLE.  Your ex is now going to be given exactly what they asked for, which is A LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT and that comes with the reality of YOUR ABSENCE.  

And now your ex can think long and hard about their decision to dump and ultimately now you are genuinely gone whether they should have handled things differently by actually trying to work things out rather than flat out sacking you off.  Self-control is an unusual and therefore valuable trait - go ahead, read the online community threads and see for yourself.  Another plus is that you don’t get to be another break up-gone-psycho-story to keep their bffs entertained at the local pub for hours – ‘oh yeah, I broke up with my ex'  **instant attention**  Everyone: sharp intake of breath 'and what did s/he say?'  Your ex: 's/he said ‘OK, I understand, goodbye - I've heard nothing since’.  This is not really the kind of story a fully-fledged dumping hero is going to keep their gossip-loving friends entertained with for more than a millionth of a second.  

From my own experience, I spent two years with a man who initially did all the right things (this was before the age of technology, thank you god).  He pursued me in a healthy way, he looked out for me, we went places together, he took me on actual dates, we took things slow, we laughed and we connected.  I couldn’t give you much detail now as to where we went, what we laughed about and how we connected BECAUSE it is clouded by his hideous reaction to me not wanting to be with him anymore which was a direct response to him becoming insanely obsessive.  So in telling him that I didn’t want to be with him because of this major issue which I may or may not have been triggering in him, he became 'even more obsessive'...and stalked me!  

He was quite an extreme example, but my message is this…any chance of us reconciling our differences ended during the breakup conversation when he disrespected my request for the breakup and did as per talked about HERE.  He was clearly not willing to work on his issues and he was not going to respect my request for space.  What he should have done had he wanted us to try again, given that we were initially good together, would have been to accept the breakup, cease communication in all forms (as per my wishes – because after all my grievance was that he was possessive and jealous), work on himself and his issues and allow me (as the dumper) to work on me and my issues, allow me the time to approach him (as the dumpee) with an admission of ‘I’m sorry I left you and I’d like us to try again’ when at this stage he could have said ‘yes, I’d like that, we’re worth fighting for’ or ‘no thank you, it’s too late, your loss, goodbye’.
      
Put yourself in the dumper’s shoes - I'll be the dumpee!  You and I are in an 'almost relationship', or you and I are in a long term relationship, whatever, it doesn’t matter.  You aren’t sure about me so much now, work is getting on top of you, do I actually interest you anymore?  Whatever the reason(s) you have decided for now (because you are very entitled to do so and also under no obligation to remain in any relationship that is no longer fulfilling your needs) that you just don’t want to be with me.  So you summon up the courage to tell me we’re done.  You’re stressed about what you are going to say/type, that is unless you are a total heartless prick, but you are also on the defensive and you’re more than half expecting me to be on the attack because you’re going to be telling me something I don’t want to hear and something that I’m going to totally disagree with.  

You don’t want me and you’ve got to make sure that I don’t change your mind about this because then you’ve got to compromise your happiness to remain in a relationship you are uncertain about and then days/weeks/months later have the breakup talk with me again or ghost me, which you are more than likely going to get vilified for, or whatever.  

So you’ve told me or texted me or emailed me to say you don’t want ‘us’ anymore or you’ve bottled it and just gone to ground, whatever.  When I realise I’m being dumped/have been dumped because YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT MAKING YOU HAPPY ANYMORE, how are you going to feel/react if I beg?  How are you going to feel/react if I sob?  How are you going to feel/react when I chuck insults at you?  How are you going to feel/react when I’m on my knees clinging to your leg in your house or my house or in public telling you I’ll change?  How are you going to feel/react if I lash out at you verbally or god forbid physically?  How are you going to feel/react when I belittle you?  Insult your parents or slander your friends?  Or any combination of these actions.  And then later on when you’ve finally got rid of me or ended the call/text/email exchange…minutes later and/or hours later, and/or a few days later, and/or a few weeks later whatever, when I lose my shit again which could be at any time of the day or night because I’m not processing my emotions properly and I'm not respecting your wish for me to leave you the hell alone, how are you going to feel/react when I repeat some or all of these ‘toxic actions’ again and again.  

Is it ok because I want you when you don't want me that I blow up your phone because you don’t answer because you simply don’t know what to say to me anymore?  Is it ok because I want you when you don't want me to text you incessantly things like ‘I love you’, followed by ‘I hate you’, followed by ‘how’s the dog?’ followed by ‘who’s that person you’re with in that photo you just posted on FB’?  Ok because I want you and you don't want me for me to turn up on your doorstep, bombard you with cycle after cycle of declarations of love, regret, rage, jealousy?  Unless you are playing a game and you love to create drama and you are too immature for a mature relationship, you are going to be TURNED THE HELL OFF - and no it's not ok for me to put all of this on you just because I want something (the relationship) that you don't want and have no control over MY OWN emotions and insecurities.  But I’m going to be in a frenzy, a right bloody state.  You’re going to want me to really-stop-right-now, I’m also going to want to stop right now too, but I’m on an emotional rollercoaster and either ‘the damage is done so I’ll just carry on in case you have a weak moment and reluctantly take me back’ or if I just try to reach out ‘one more time’ you’ll realise that you do actually want me?    

…and you are definitely not going to want to risk taking me back because I’ve shown myself to be emotionally unstable, totally unhinged and ‘hard to get rid of’ should things break down again.  Your friends already know that I’m the ‘latest mad ex’ and peer pressure is a funny old thing.  You wouldn’t want any of this to be done to you after you’ve exercised your right to leave a relationship so don’t do it to your ex and expect them to want you back or **seriously???** ‘come crawling back’ and don’t expect that you can recover and heal quickly after you have done any, most or all of this.

Now, say you dump me and I act in a dignified manner.  I do everything let’s say ‘right’.  You say or text something like, ‘look, I just don’t think this relationship is going to work.  I just don’t think there’s a spark there or any potential to take this forward’, whatever, and I accept this, I say ‘goodbye’ and I leave, or put the phone down, whatever…what are you (the dumper) going to feel?  What are you going to think of me?  Be honest here because the words ‘respectful’, ‘dignified exit’, ‘gracious’, ‘elegant’, ‘classy’ and ‘unique’ come to my mind and all of these are very good virtues and very positive adjectives to label a person you have a past with whom you just seconds ago, hours ago, days ago, weeks ago, months ago, years ago you broke up with, especially considering the alternative which is going to be in the extreme category ‘crazy’, ‘unhinged’, ‘deranged’, ‘nutter’, ‘psycho’.  Because after you have been dumped you are immediately going into ‘The Classy Ex That May Have Got Away’ top draw or ‘The Psycho Ex That Must Be Avoided At All Cost’ landfill.  Do you want to be top draw material or landfill?

Right!  Nobody can tell you whether or not an ex is going to come back to you and ask for a second chance.  How you react to them when/if they reach out appears to be yet another deal maker or deal breaker!  But by acting with dignity, standing up for yourself and standing out like this during and following a breakup, you give yourself the absolute best chance of your ex reconsidering their crappy decision.  And if THEY (as the dumper) reach out to YOU (the dumpee) days, weeks, months or years later, whenever, at that stage YOU have ALL of the power and YOU can decide whether YOU actually want THEM back, whether YOU are in a better place, or actually could do a hell of a lot better, are happier without them or whether they are worth YOUR very precious time; time which you have already potentially wasted on them and will never get back.  Decide wisely and NEVER go back to a toxic relationship, NEVER, EVER, EVER.  And if they never reach out to you again, YOU have the power to make a better life for yourself, make better decisions and ultimately attract those more suited to you.  You should be looking for better every time a relationship ends and a new one is contemplated. 

In the meantime because you did everything right [RIGHT?] and whilst your ex is wondering ‘WHAT THE EFFING HELL happened – my ex didn’t FREAK THE FUCK OUT and is TOTALLY IN CONTROL OF HIS/HER SHIT, HAVE I MADE A MISTAKE HERE?’ YOU have to work on YOU.  You have to work on self-control because you’ve got to keep that shit up long haul, possibly forever or until they reach out to you to indicate that they genuinely want to work things out (best case scenario if you want them back), or until you are totally over them.  Get doing things that make you happy but what you must never, ever do is reach out to them first IF they dumped you.  When you walked away/put the phone down, whatever, at the end of the breakup exchange you have to believe that walking away was/is intended on your part to be forever.  

This is not a game.  This is not to punish them.  This is not to manipulate them.  This is so that YOU heal, YOU learn, YOU love YOU.  YOU first, ALWAYS and CONSISTENTLY.  By putting you first you are positively distancing yourself from the dating-competition – you’re right up there ahead of the race and are going to win a better life and a better partner.  Win/Win.  Learn this lesson now no matter what your relationship status is so that when you next suffer a breakup not of your choosing that you did or did not see coming, you have the knowledge, sass and arsenal to deal with it in the very best way it can be dealt with. 

Don’t cave in, don’t waste your time giving this dumper another second of your life, you simply don’t have the time – life is for living and it’s short a.f.  

How do you handle a dumping?  What do you think of my advice?  Let me know in the comment below, if you like...

TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY



INTRODUCTION-MESSY BREAKUPS ALL OVER THE WEB-We Have To Sort.This.Right.Out


...situation.  ***I'm praying that as I am posting as 'BMW_up2' that a certain massive company does not think I'm all over their brand and issue legal proceedings against me!***

My reason for starting this blog is because when I was looking for general support online following my own most recent breakup I could not find any THAT I TRUSTED!  I don’t mean from dating coaches or relationship experts I mean from those actually experiencing a breakup.  What I did find was community after community, thread after thread of whining, bitching, moaning, self-indulgent and quite frankly pathetic-looking recently-made-exes (both men and women) simpering on, like…

‘ugh, my bf/gf just dumped me – I cried, argued, begged, pleaded, licked their boots and told them I would totally sleep in the dog kennel whilst they banged their way through Tinder in the bed we bought together if they only would give me just one more chance’…

This was usually followed by a cocktail of blurb expressed through punctuation-less rantings generated from their washing machine brains and spewing out of their mouths in the form of verbal spaghetti, like…

‘…so when this failed I went straight into strict no contact after three months of trying to be their friend and following a period of 12 hours when I called them five times text them twenty times and sent them an email reminding them of the good times we shared together and telling them how they will never find anybody as amazing as me and that person they were talking to the other day is a piece of **** so they better not replace me with them I said and I only contacted them now in that last email because I wanted to know if I’d left my jumper at their house I mean that’s all I wanted to know HAVE THEY GOT MY GOD DAMN JUMPER that we bought on holiday that time last summer when they told me I was the most amazing person in the world AT THEIR HOUSE and they are ignoring me why are they ignoring me after I poured my heart out in an email which they have clearly read because I got the notification at 06.03 this morning it’s 07.01 this same morning now and I only want to know the whereabouts of my jumper we bought on our romantic holiday last summer which I made very clear in my email???  If my ex doesn’t reach out now I’ve poured my heart out it will be over anyway because I don’t even think I want them anymore guys do you think I should ignore my ex when they contact me?’

Next was sure to be something like…

‘…so, I wrote them a clean slate letter which I’ve just posted through their letterbox and it’s been three days of no contact now and I haven’t heard from them, they’ve got a rabbit so shall I just call them to let them know about the letter in case they didn’t get it because the rabbit mistook it for a carrot and ate it, or shall I leave it another day?  Or shall I go 30 days no contact, ugh, when does the 30 days start?  Have I technically done it because we did break up three months ago and during that time I must have accrued 30 days of not contacting them?  Guys?  Help!  Have I done the 30 days no contact?  If so, when shall I reach out and what do you think I should say, just ‘hey’ or something, play it cool?’.

Then the community responds…

‘No, don’t contact them, stay strong.  I’ve just reached out to my ex and they haven’t replied yet.  I feel worse now…although it’s only been 24 minutes 42 seconds and counting - do think '2442' means something? – guys, is there any hope?  Should I reach out again or should I leave it an hour or two?  Has this final bit of contact made me appear desperate?’

This goes ooooon and onnnnnn, page after simpering page with all of them systematically one after the other breaking down by initiating yet another grovelling, cringe worthy form of contact with their ex, followed by the inevitable over analysing of the even shittier situation that they have ultimately conspired to put themselves in.  Second guessing what ‘being blocked even means’ and giving each other pathetic ill-advice badly disguised as ‘support’ and then…oh god, oh no…here comes the delusional back patting…

‘Well done guys, we’re such a strong group of people here, all helping each other and making our exes regret losing us – hang in there everyone, they’ll be back soon when they realise what they’ve lost but by then we’ll have moved on because we won’t care anymore – their loss’.


ENOUGH OF THAT ABSOLUTE SHITE–WE ARE NOT DOING A SHRED OF THAT (AND IF ANY OF US HAVE, WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN)


This my lovelies is a tough love blog to hopefully wake up a community of emotionally healthy people or those who have made the mistakes BUT aspire to becoming emotionally healthy people during/following a breakup and any potential makeup that may or may not follow.  All of us need to wake up and educate ourselves on how to deal with potential breakups and potential makeups BEFORE THEY HAPPEN because almost guaranteed we are going to be in that position again during our lifetime - that's the sad reality of dating.  Ultimately I want us to be confident, dignified, genuine and lovable people who recongise our worth and our potential.  Yes, we will all make some mistakes because emotions are involved, but we are going to OWN our mistakes and we are going to LEARN from our collective mistakes through commenting and support for each other and simply NOT. MAKE. THE. SAME. MISTAKES. EVER. EVER. AGAIN.  No flippin’ excuses and no back patting each other for making said mistakes - TOUGH LOVE.

I speak only through personal experience and what I express here are merely my own opinions, thoughts and ramblings based upon my own relationships/breakups/makeups and those I have to some extent witnessed throughout my life.  I’ve had horrible breakups, messy breakups, shockingly-god-damn-fucking-shitty-breakups followed by makeups that should not have happened and makeups that were ruined – I’ve been on the receiving end of them and equally the instigator, I’m sure this goes for all of us….BUT…

I’m going through the worst-best or should it be best-worst (my pea brain can't work out the correct order of play there) breakup ever, so I'm right with you all, doing the work!  Yayyy – LIFE IS GREAT [a hint of sarcasm intended].

This is because when being broken up with this most recent time, I was (during the breakup), thereafter (in the immediate aftermath) and now (a few weeks down the line) completely in control of myself, my responses, my actions, my worth and ultimately my destiny.  ‘I’ WAS AND ‘I’ AM IN CONTROL OF ‘ME’. 



...This latest one was an absolute keeper so I'm not messing around here now.  I'm going to practice what I preach.  I hope he'll come back but there's no guarantees, so this process is for me to heal as well - bonus if he returns.

So for all of you that are taking the time out to read this (thank you), in a breakup situation let’s immediately and without a second’s hesitation take it on the chin, be strong, be consistently strong, be classy and be prepared to take control of our emotions and kick this breakup’s oversized ass from start to finish!  Let’s commence the journey to either getting this/the next ex back (if they are worth it and if you want them) or not getting this/the next ex back but being better at the breakup process.

Dumpees – WAKE T.F. UP to the breakup and potential makeup process.  Let’s do the absolute best we can for ourselves and support each other in an honest and authentic way.  

Have you seen a lot of this over the web?  What are your thoughts?  Have you been 'one of these people?!'  Are you reformed?!...let me know in the comments below, if you like...

TOUGH LOVE EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY.


MOVED TO www.breakupmakeupwakeup.blog

FROM SATURDAY, 15 th JUNE 2019, THIS BLOG HAS MOVED TO… www.breakupmakeupwakeup.blog